Page 44 of Mr. Green
Ryan was an expert coder. He can get ahold of someone when he wants to. My computer is open and pings to alert a message from someone. I go over to my computer and sure enough, a message is waiting.
It’s Ryan.Fuck!
I NEED to talk to you. I want to explain.
The shock has worn off and my heart races with anger. This fucking sleazeball. He can’t honestly think after months of waiting around for him, I’m just going to give in.I block him on my computer too. There’s no way I’m going to talk to him. He should suffer a little bit before I consider gracing him with my presence. It’s on the very tips of my fingers to tell him to fuck off.
Then again, there’s a soft thought of wanting to see him again. To see how he’s doing, if he looks the same, if he still makes me feelsomethingafter all this time. I’m torn in two directions.
Once I’m confident Ryan can’t get ahold of me, I call Paige.
“Hey, La La!” she greets.
“Hey. So Ryan just reached out.”
“Don’t tell me that stupid dung-beetle-eating snake contacted you? Block him like he blocked you!”
“I did.”
“That’s because you’re fucking amazing!”
This is why I called Paige. I need to know I’m making the right decision. As much as I need closure, I think I’m getting it by myself. Grant is helping me go to a new level. I don’t want to mess up things with Grant. I’m also confused if I should talk to Ryan. On the other hand, I’m scared talking to Ryan will make me give in and take him back like nothing happened.
“He fucking texted and DMed me, aftermonths,Paige! What the hell?”
“Listen, making him sweat is the best thing you could do.” I hear her biting her nail. “I do wonder if you should talk to him, though. Maybe you need to, so at the very least you can tell him to go fuck himself.”
“I don’t think I trust myself to not give in.”
“I think you know Grant is your choice.”
“That doesn’t take away from the pining I’ve been doing for Ryan. Besides, I have no idea why Grant wants to be with me. There doesn’t seem to be much in it for him. He told me a bunch of cute things and has taken me on romantic dates, but how do I know he’s going to stay with me?”
“Lana, what are you talking about? You’re a catch. Don’t let what Ryan did make you insecure about who youare.You’rea worthy person who deserves everything she wants. The only person you’re fighting against is yourself. Everyone around you knows you’re smart, creative, caring, and an awesome person to be around. Ryan knows that too, which is why he’s contacting you. I think you’ve been hanging onto theideaof him, but what youwantis with Grant.”
Tears drop down my cheeks, again.Will I ever stop crying?
Paige telling me everything I already know is a nice kick in the ass. Grant said the same things last night. That’s why it’s so terrifying to move forward with him. He knows I have work to do on myself, but is still hanging around. What if it takes me years to believe what the both of them are saying? Will I lose him?
“Scarlett’s wedding is coming up,” Paige interrupts my self-interrogation. “Focus on building yourself again. Focus on Grant. Maybe go see your family. They always help you feel like yourself.”
“You think?” I ask while pacing and fidgeting with my hair.
“Absolutely.”
“You’re right.”
“To be clear, this isn’t about a guy for you. It’s about you being yourself again and which guy brings that out. The guy isn’t the factor, he’s just a helper. Get your head together. Let me know if you need anything.”
“Okay, thanks Paige.”
“Love you, Lana. It’s going to be okay.”
“Love you. Bye.”
Tears keep streaming down my face as I go into my room to pack a bag. I’ll leave to go home after I train with Jason. It’s going to be nice to see my family. It’s been months since I’ve spent actual time with them.
I hope Paige is right and a visit with them will make everything okay.