Page 93 of Monarch

I push up to sitting, careful not to disturb Mari. “I’m not asking you to bare your soul to me, Lex. I’m asking you toshareyour soul with me, with us. I’m asking you to leave it up to Mari and me what we think about whatever it is that clearly hurts you, holds you back.”

Xir hands are fisting the sheet on either side of xir body. “What makes you think there is something to tell? Some big secret? Some part of my soul that I’m holding back?”

“Isn’t there?” I demand with my words and my eyes.

Xe drops my eye contact and stares up at the ceiling. “So you think there’s some big reason I left you, and why I left Mari. I’m not just a shitty person now?”

“I’ve never said you were a shitty person.” This may not be the truth. I may have said this many times, but what is true is that I don’t think I’ve ever believed it.

“Trust me, Roos, it’s better for you to think I’m just a shitty person.”

“You’re not letting me have a choice.”

Xe looks at me again. “Is this a new condition? That I have to explain why I’m so fucked up in order to stay with you and Mari?”

Xir tone has some sarcasm in it, but xir expression is all concern.

“No,” I say slowly. “I just want to understand what happened tonight. I want to know what’s going on with you if we ever do it again.”

Another lip twitch, xir snakebite piercing moving. “You want to do it again?”

“Don’t you?”

“Yeah, but I don’t want a fucking interrogation each time, okay? You’re a switch, Mari’s a switch. Why can’t I just be a fucking switch?” Xe isn’t keeping xir voice low, and we both hold our breath as it makes Mari stir. They rub their face and then roll over onto their side, facing Lex.

Lex looks almost shocked by this. Xe blinks at Mari, like xe can’t quite believe they are right there, in front of xem. Mari is back to snoring lightly in a few seconds, and I exhale.

“Okay,” I concede. “You’re a switch. No more further questions.”

I lie on my back, feeling hurt and confused and unsure what to do next. I’m angry at myself for ruining what could have been a perfect night by pushing Lex, but I’m also angry with xem for reacting so strongly.

“I’m sorry,” Lex’s voice breaks a long silence.

“For what?” I ask, and it’s another test, but a necessary one.

“For losing my shit just then. For getting angry. I’m not angry. Not with you. It’s not your fault. I just have a lot going on in my head after the scene, and I’m tired. But I still shouldn’t have lost it with you.”

And that. That is new. That is not the Lex who left me. That is, frustratingly, affirmation for why I want to keep trying with xem.

“Okay, Lex,” I acknowledge xem. “Apology accepted.”

“Hey, Roos,” xe says, xir tone completely different now. Light. Playful. The Lex I fell in love with the first time.

“Yeah?”

“Wanna play Imagine?”

I smile up at the ceiling. “Sure.”

“You go first. What are you imagining? How far ahead are you going?”

I chew on my lip. “Five years.”

“Okay. Tell me.”

“Five years from now, we’re all still in Amsterdam. Or at least, that’s our base.”

“Our?”