Page 84 of Monarch

“What the…” Xe face twists into a confused expression. “What did you say to him?”

“I told him the last I heard you were here, in Amsterdam. But that we weren’t in contact anymore.”

Lex stares at the canvas, unblinking. “What else did he say?”

I yawn. “I can’t remember. I mean, nothing unusual. I was just surprised he was there.”

“Okay.” Lex blinks once and then gets back to painting.

“I can’t believe you never went home. Not once,” I say, feeling sleepy again now I’m lying down.

“There was no need,” Lex says, abruptly. “And once I got here, I got busy. Things…took off.”

“That quickly?”

“No,” Lex laughs at xemself. “Not quickly. At least, it certainly didn’t feel it at the time, but when I look back on it now, I guess it was, relatively speaking.”

“I knew it would happen.” My eyelids fall a little. “I always knew you’d make it.”

“Definemake it?”

“Be who you are now. Be successful. Be famous. Be making art and making a living off it.”

“Right.”

“Aren’t you proud?” I open my eyes wider, scrutinising xem.

Lex looks up at me. “Sometimes.”

“You should be,” I say firmly.

“You should be, too,” Lex says.

“Me?” I snort. “A townie tattoo artist? Somebody who didn’t cut the umbilical cord until she was twenty-nine.”

Lex looks down at the floor. “I shouldn’t have said that. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not ashamed,” I say, feeling the tingles of defensiveness again. “But I am glad I’m here now.”

Lex looks up, holds my gaze. “Really?” Xir voice is laced with hope.

“Sometimes,” I tease with a smile.

Lex doesn’t laugh with me. Xir face is deadly serious, solemn even, as xe replies, “I’m glad you’re here too.”

We stay like that, looking at each other for a very long time. Lex’s eyes mist over and xir mouth opens. I wait for whatever it is xe is going to say, but xe closes xir lips and gets back to painting.

I want to ask xem if xe is okay. I want to know what xe was about to say. I want to know whatever it is that is clearly bothering xem. I want to know… Despite myself, I want to know all of Lex.

But the moment has passed, and Lex is frowning in concentration at the canvas as xir hand moves at a quick pace. I watch xem for a while, just in case Lex changes xir mind and wants to talk again, but xe doesn’t. Then my lids grow heavy again, and it gets harder to keep my eyes open, so I close them. And shortly after they are closed, I fall asleep to the sound of a paintbrush swishing over a canvas with great purpose.

*****

When I wake, I have no concept of time. The lamps are still on, I’m covered with a blanket, and there are no other sounds in the room. I look down at the floor, and Lex is curled up like a cat in front of xir painting supplies. The canvas is still propped up against the sofa. I watch Lex for a while, and it’s like I’m transported back ten years. It’s like I’m eighteen again, waking up before xem and getting to watch xir beautiful face in slumber. There are differences now – xir snakebite piercing, xir shaved head – but xir eyes are still just as big. Even closed, they take up so much space on xir face. Xir mouth is pursed in a peaceful pout, and xir chest rises and falls as xe takes long, deep breaths. It’s watching xem now that I realise Lex is rarely this still, this calm, this peaceful. Even back then, when we were teenagers, xe was always moving, always doing, always in flux. It’s also been that way since we’ve been reunited. And all these nights we’ve shared the same living space, this is the first time I’ve seen xem still and asleep.

I get up and give xem the blanket. Gently, I lift xir head and put a cushion under it. I wish I was strong enough to lift xem onto the sofa, but I really don’t want to disturb xem that much. It’s as I’m getting up that I see the canvas behind xir head.

I stop. I freeze. My heart stops beating.