Page 54 of Monarch

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An hour later, we’re dry, dressed, and Roos has consumed enough calories and water to satisfy me. We have also talked about the future, as I applied aloe vera to her stripes of raw skin and arnica to the unopened wounds and emerging bruises. The immediate future, that is. And selfishly, I want to play with Roos again here, at QISS. She tells me she’s happy if I keep in touch with Joel and ask him for guest passes, but she says she needs more time to think about us playing together like we did tonight. It stings a little, but I respect this.

We agree to have no contact at all for a month while I find a place to live, return to the UK to get more of my belongings, and start working at Pink Elephant. A month without her feels like an eternity, even with everything I have to do to fill the time.

We hugged and cried together before we left the aftercare room, and it feels bizarre to now be walking out of QISS like we haven’t just shared the most epic whirlwind of emotions that the last three or so hours have been.

Joel is certainly oblivious as he greets us in the lobby area.

“So,” he folds his arms expectantly. “How was it?”

Roos and I look at each other.

“Incredible,” I say.

“Very special,” Roos adds.

“Wish I could have seen it. I’ve heard nothing but good things from those who have already left.”

“Next time.” Roos reaches out and squeezes Joel’s forearm. I wonder if she does that because she feels the need for some moral support. I know I sorely do.

“Shall I call you a taxi?” Joel offers.

Roos tsks him. “You know I brought my bike.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I say. “It might be a bit uncomfortable.”

“I will be fine,” she says with a dismissive wave.

“Don’t argue with her.” Joel leans towards me. “You’ll soon learn you’ll never win.”

A heavy silence falls as Roos and I absorb his words and the meaning behind them. What if I never learn all about Roos’ little ways?

“Well, I’m glad xe didn’t ruin your night,” Joel adds, seemingly oblivious to the way my heart is breaking – and possibly Roos’, too.

Roos narrows her eyes. “What did you say?”

“Lex. I’m glad xe didn’t ruin your night.”

“Lex was here?” I demand. It feels like someone has rubbed an ice cube all the way up my spine.

“You know Lex?” Joel’s face creases with confusion.

“It’s a long story,” Roos says. “Is xe still here?”

“No, left nearly two hours ago. Xe didn’t stick around for long.”

“Fucking Lex,” I spit. I can’t stop myself.

Joel’s confused expression ping-pongs between Roos and me, but neither of us choose to explain.

“I can’t believe xe was here,” Roos says dreamily, as if to herself.

“You know, you could request for me to have xir membership revoked,” Joel says. “I would be happy to explain to Javier and Dana how xe has treated you, how fucked-up xe is. I know they’ve cancelled memberships for much less.”

I look at Roos and expect… I don’t know what I expect, but it’s certainly not the way she looks right now. It’s like mentally she’s transported to another place, another time.

“Roos?” I prompt, touching her arm.