Page 53 of Monarch

Roos frowns at me. “Okay,” she says hesitantly.

“I need to move here for me, Roos. I need to do this for myself.”

Her forehead is lost in deep creases. “I don’t understand.”

I sigh. “I know, I’m not being very clear. I’m sorry.” I suck in a breath and brave eye contact with this magnificent woman. “I don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I mean…I want to. I want to sofucking much. But I don’t think it would be fair to you. I can’t have you be the reason I make a go of it here. I need to do it by myself.”

“But you would be doing it by yourself. It’s not like you’d move in with me or we’d see each other all the time. I mean, that’s not what I expect to happen.”

“I know. I’m not saying you do expect that to happen, but I know what I’m like, Roos, I know what I can be like when I meet someone and I…” I trail off, suddenly full of fear.

“Like what, Mari?” Roos presses me, literally, with her foot against my cunt. It’s not sexual or even possessive. It’s more a reminder of where we both are, what we have become to each other in such a short space of time.

“I could fall in love with you, Roos,” I tell her, our eyes locked. “I know I could. Fuck, I think I am already. But I can’t. I…I don’t want to. Not now. I need to be my own person. I need to have a clear head, and in some ways, a clear heart. I need to know that I’m making this move for me and not…”

Fear engulfs me again. I don’t want to hurt her.

“Not for me,” she finishes for me, hurting herself and me in the process.

“I’m sorry, Roos.” I search for her hand under the water. It’s limp in mine when I finally find it.

“Don’t be.” She’s looking at the bubbles again, avoiding my gaze. “I understand. I do. I’m just… I really think I could fall in love with you, too.”

I can’t stop smiling when I hear that, especially when she lifts her eyes and smiles with me despite a single tear that snakes down her left cheek.

“What are you like when you fall in love?” I ask.

She’s surprised by my question for a second or two, but then she looks lost in thought. I wonder if she’s thinking about Lex.Fucking Lex.

“I’m very calm when I’m in love. I feel content, at ease. I know more peace than I’ve ever known.”

“Sounds dreamy.”

“Yes, it is like that. Like a dream, but not one I ever want to wake up from.”

“It also sounds like the complete opposite of how I am,” I say. “I’m a fucking nightmare when I’m in love.”

“I don’t believe you.” She splashes me lightly. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“Oh, no, it’s the truth. I go all in. I become obsessed.” I swap her hand for her foot under the water, and I start massaging her toes. “I give it my all. Literally, my all. I am loyal to a fault, and all I want to do is be with that person. All the time. Like, my heart hurts when we have to be apart. And my brain can’t focus on anything but when I’m going to see them next.”

“Sounds intense,” Roos yawns. She’s exhausted. I need to get her home so she can sleep.

“It is. Toointense. That’s why I…” I decide to be brave. “That’s why I can’t fall in love with you, Roos. Not now.”

She nods at me, and I think I see more understanding on her face than there was a moment before.

We fall silent again, but I keep massaging her foot, and she yawns a few more times. Just a little longer, and I’ll get us out of the bath.

“How many times have you been in love?” Roos breaks the silence.

I look up at her and am full of fear all over again. I really don’t want to hurt her.

“Tell me,” she says, her tone strongly suggesting she already knows the answer.

“Once,” I reply eventually.

She nods at me. Another tear escapes her eye. And then she leans her head back, closes her eyes, and sighs so deeply, I feel it in my own chest.