Page 88 of Monarch

“Really? Yeah, that would be awesome. Gives me time to book my time-off… And hopefully, it will be nice and warm here then.”

I watch a pair of swans swim past, one tracking the other loyally, like it would follow their partner anywhere. I think about Amsterdam in the summer. Barbecues in the park, bar and café terraces full and bustling, the sun still shining as ten o’clock approaches. I think about us enjoying all that together – me, Mari, and Roos – and I feel unsettled and conflicted with how possible and impossible that all feels.

“Yeah, I promise, Mum… Yeah, Roos is fine. She’s doing really well, actually… Lex? Yeah, I guess you’ll see xem… Shit, Mum, it’s complicated. And I can’t get into it now. I’ve got to go and meet Roos.”

My eyes fill with tears, and I scowl at the blunt in my hand.You were supposed to stop this. You were supposed to dull the ache inside me. You were not supposed to have me close to crying before I even go in the club.

“Yeah, I love you too. And Dovey. I’ll call again soon. Love you. Bye.”

I don’t move. I give Mari time to move away, to go into the club, but when I turn around to check they’ve gone, I see them approaching me.

“I thought I could smell something,” they say, walking up to me between two parked cars.

I get up and hold the joint out in my hand. “Want some?”

Mari looks at it and seems to consider this quite seriously. “Go on then.”

I watch them take a long, deep pull. They cough a little as they exhale. “God, I haven’t smoked pot for a long time.”

“Same, actually.”

“Everyone back home thinks I’m doing it all the time, thatthat’sthe reason I moved to Amsterdam.”

I take the joint back and laugh half-heartedly. “They probably thought the same for me.”

Mari squints at me. “I don’t think anyone thought that for you,” they say. “They all knew you were going to go places. To go chase something bigger than our hometown. And you did.”

My heart constricts as I hear something close to pride in Mari’s words. And that’s new. It never used to hurt me, them having the wrong idea about why I left. It never used to cause me pain, them not knowing the truth.

I take another pull and am slow about inhaling it into my lungs and then expelling it out of my mouth. Mari watches me intently as I do.

“How are you feeling about tonight?” they ask when I’ve stubbed the joint out.

“Like I was a fool to agree to it,” I say, testing out honesty for a change.

Mari’s surprise is small, but I notice it. “You can change your mind. You don’t have to come in.”

“No, I want to,” I say. “That’s the fucked-up thing, I really want to. I just don’t know if I’m ready for it.”

“Ready for what?”

I look them up and down. They’re in jeans and a cute patchwork jacket that I’m pretty sure is vintage. That ridiculous crochet scarf is wrapped loosely around their neck. Their hair moves in the breeze, and their blue eyes are darker than usual in the dusk light. “I’m not sure I’m ready to touch you. I’m not sure what that will do to me.”

Mari rocks back on their heels, as if my words have caused them a physical shock. They open their mouth to say something, and I am pretty sure my life depends on their next words, but then Roos’ voice makes us both turn towards the road.

“Hey!” she calls out with a big smile on her face, still sitting on her bike. “I’ll just park up.”

“Okay,” Mari says as I mumble something similar. They give me one more unreadable look, and then they turn to go find Roos, and I follow their footsteps, just like that swan I just saw.

“How are we feeling?” Roos asks after locking up her bike. She’s wearing a long, lightweight coat, but the black latex of her leggings is still visible. That, plus her excited expression, tells me Roos is feeling very good about this.

“Fine,” Mari says, “but Lex is – ”

“Lex is fine,” I cut in.

Roos’ face falls all the same. “Really? You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to,” I say, and it is the truth, just only part of the truth.