Page 117 of Monarch

“I know,” I say, bursting with love for them and for the two idiots who are grinning at me as they both take a seat on either side of me. “I love you both.”

“We love you,” they chorus, and then I end the call.

Roos hands me a plate and Lex, a knife and fork. “Not as much as we love you,” xe says with mischief lighting up xir treacle brown eyes.

I give xem a scathing look. “That’s literally my mother you’re trying to outdo,” I remind xem. “And you know what she’s like. I wouldn’t even try.”

“True story.” Lex brings xir legs up and crosses them under xir. “You know I love Keeley. Even if she probably thinks I’m going to screw you both over.”

“Again,” Roos and I add in sync before we all crease up with laughter.

“It doesn’t matter what my mother thinks,” I say once we settle.

“Why’s that?” Lex is biting back xir smile, I can see it. When I turn to my other side and see Roos with a similar half-grin on her face, I know they both know what I’m going to say before I say it. But I say it anyway, because I will never get bored of doing so.

“All that matters is whatwethink and whatwewant, and right now, I want and love both of you.”

Roos is the first to touch me, knocking into me so quickly to peck my cheek that I nearly spill my delicious-looking and smelling stir-fried rice. “Good because you’re stuck with me.”

When she’s leaning back and attacking her plate, Lex catches my eye. Xe stares at me, not saying a word.

“What?” I ask, wondering if I’ve got something on my face or if xe just has to do what I often have to do. To just stare at Lex, to take it in that we found each other again, to realise our love for the same woman ultimately brought us back to our love for each other.

“Sometimes, I…” Xe trails off, and it almost physically pains me.

“What?” I prompt again, a little gentler this time.

“I still have moments where I feel like I don’t deserve this,” xe says.

“And what does that make you feel?”

Xe holds my gaze, but still I see a blush tinge xir high cheekbones. “It makes me want to run away before you both realise and leave me instead.”

I smile at them. “Thank you for sharing, and for your honesty,” I say, a little performatively because I’m following Lex’s therapist’s suggestion of acknowledging when Lex shares xir vulnerability.

“But you’re not going to, right?” Roos chimes in.

Lex is still looking at me when xe answers her. “No,roosje, I’m not going anywhere.”

We share a long, languid smile, like we have all the time in the world. Maybe we do.

I don’t say anything else, the moment already perfectly formed. I focus on my food and tuck in.

“Unless…” Lex’s leading tone has me swallowing my first mouthful before it’s properly chewed.

Roos and I pin our eyes on xem.

“Unless I have your awareness and permission,” xe corrects course.

Roos’ body deflates beside me. “Jesus, fuck, Lex,” she laughs to herself and goes back to eating. “And you don’t need ourpermission.”

“Oh, yes xe does,” I say in my very best Dom voice. I take inordinate pleasure in watching Lex shiver in response. Having Lex submit to me has been the cherry on top of our kinky chaos.

Once composed, Lex pecks the other cheek that Roos didn’t warm and xe gives me one more dazzling grin before looking at xir plate.

We eat in silence, and yet there is nothing empty and vacant about it. Outside the apartment, bike bells ring, cars rumble by, and people chatter as they walk down the street. Inside the apartment, our home, every single centimetre of space is filled with love. I can feel it wrap itself around me, like the crochet scarf I made eleven years ago to distract myself from my heartache from losing Lex. Inever intended it to be so long, but I also never intended to hold onto my love for Lex for such a long time.

In that moment, I decide to make similar scarves for Roos and for Lex. If something so warm and comforting and enduring could be made out of heartbreak, just imagine what I can make when my heart is whole and being held by two other hearts that beat at the same rhythm as mine.

Just imagine what we can all make and do andbecome, now that we have each other.