Page 78 of Monarch

“Of course you are,” Mari practically hisses at xem. Their voice softens when they turn to me. “I would be happy to as well, Roos. And I think it makes more sense. We don’t have the history you and Lex have. It wouldn’t be stressful. And the doctor says you need to avoid stress.”

The fullness in my head increases. I know I shouldn’t be letting this conversation and the dynamic between Lex and Mari get to me, but it’s been a wild few days. I have a lot to think about, and I don’t feel like I have the space to do that necessary thinking.

I’m also terrified. Terrified it’s going to happen again, and I won’t be in a safe place like I was when I was in bed with Lex and Mari at QISS. I’m scared it’s going to happen out on the street. I’m scared it’s going to make me fall down some stairs or bang my head in a life-threatening way. I’m scared it will happen when I’m on my own, and I’ll choke on my own tongue, or some other awful thing will happen that I haven’t even thought about.

It's all too terrifying. All I want to do is go home and sleep for a week and hope that when I wake up it was all a bad dream.

“Honestly, right now,” I sigh, “I really want to be on my own.”

“Not going to happen.” Lex shakes xir head.

“For once, I agree with xem. Not going to happen,” Mari repeats.

“So I have to choose?” I hold my hands up to show them both how hopeless this makes me feel.

“Yep,” Lex nods.

“Afraid so,” Mari adds, and at least they look apologetic about it.

The obvious choice would be Mari. They’re right. My history with Lex makes it automatically stressful. But Mari and I don’t know each other. We’ve never lived together. There’s so much I wanted to do with Mari before I even entertained the thought of living together. Because what if we can’t live together? What if doing so too soon ruins everything and means we never get the chance that I thought we were finally going to have?

But Lex. Yes, Lex knows me inside and out. Yes, living together with Lex was one of the best times of my life. But when xe left, it was also the worst time of my life, after the trauma of losing my family. How can I trust Lex to stick around? What makes xem reliable all of a sudden?

“I can’t choose,” I say, sounding as pathetic as I feel. “You have to do it for me.”

“What?” Lex releases xir arms.

“Shit,” Mari hisses.

“I can’t choose between you, so one of you has to make the decision for me. Or, you know, do it together.”

“Maybe we could do shifts?” Mari suggests.

“No,” Lex says firmly.

“You just expect me to rescind my offer, don’t you?” Mari puts their hands on their hips and turns towards Lex.

“It would be the decent thing to do.”

“Oh, because you are an authority on doing the decent thing, are you!?”

“Don’t attack me.” Lex squares xir body towards Mari. “That’s the last thing Roos needs.”

“No!” I lift my hands again, but this time, every single one of my muscles is tense. “Thisis the last thing I need. You two arguing like this.”

They both mumble apologies, eyes downcast.

“And if you can’t decide for me, then there’s only one other solution,” I say, feeling more light-headed than ever. I can’t believe I’m about to say this. “You will both move in with me.”

“What?” Mari’s head snaps to me as Lex’s jaw drops.

“And you will fucking learn to get on, or so help me, I will kick you both out and ask Joel to move in with me for a few weeks until I know for sure what’s going on.”

That threat seems to carry weight with both of them, and more apologies are said, although I note they don’t actually acknowledge what I’m suggesting we do.

But maybe there is nothing more to say. Maybe they’re also so tired, they can’t think straight. Maybe they know that if they push this any further, I will send them both away. Maybe they realise that the best thing they could do for me right now is move past whatever dark history they share.

“Where’s my coat?” I ask, breaking the silence.