Page 35 of Monarch

I nod. “Yes, please.”

“Okay, well, I may be rusty, and I’m not totally in a Dom state of mind…”

“Then we don’t have to.” I cup their face and stare intently into their eyes. “I mean it. You don’t have to do that if it’s not what you want.”

“But you want it.”

“I want you. I want you, as you are, in this moment.”

“Fuck, when you say things like that…” Mari looks away, and I expect them to continue talking, but they don’t.

“Let’s just fuck,” I say before lifting my head to kiss their exposed neck. “Let’s just have some good old-fashioned vanilla sex.”

“Vanilla?” Mari turns back to me.

“Yeah.” I wrap my legs around their body. “Would that be okay?”

“That would be more than okay,” Mari says before they dive down to kiss me.

*****

Turns out even vanilla sex is pretty fucking amazing when it’s with someone you can’t get enough of. First, we used our fingers to get each other ready, wet, and desperate. Then Mari rode my thigh until there was sweat sliding down their body, between their breasts. And finally, I rolled them over and took them as they lay prone on the bed.

After we cleaned up and Mari ordered room service, we put on matching white hotel robes and returned to the bed. Waiting for our food, we held hands again, and I told them all about my favourite places in Amsterdam. The restaurants we’d have to try. The parks I’d show them around. The best shops for bread, for coffee, for sweet treats, and for buying a second-hand bike, which absolutely should be their first purchase. We continued this conversation while we ate, and then we showered together, where again our hands took us to heaven and back.

Apparently, I like vanilla sex. A lot.

And now, I’m clean and dry, lying in Mari’s huge hotel bed and listening to them snore lightly beside me. My phone is in my hand and I’m trying not to think too much about how Lex hasn’t called like xe said xe would. I’m trying not to imagine xem hooking up with one of xir other exes, or xem spending the night at QISS. I’m almost tempted to text Joel to see if xe has shown up there, but I’m too embarrassed to expose myself like that, even to him.

I thought not talking about Lex with Mari would make xem shrink in my mind. I thought it would enable whatever connection we share to grow and strengthen and blossom. But now it feels like Lex is haunting even this sweet moment where Mari’s feet press up against my leg. I should feel vindicated that xe hasn’t texted or called like xe said xe would. I planned on ignoring the contact anyway, so why do I feel so let down, so hurt, so…fucking affected.

I sigh, and that prompts Mari to roll over and face me. They nuzzle in closer, their mouth coming to rest on the curve of my shoulder.

“You okay?” they mumble sleepily.

“Yeah,” I say, and I slide my phone under the pillow.

Because I should be okay. I should be more than okay with a lover like Mari sharing their bed with me. I should be more than okay to see, yet again, Lex’s true colours shining through, just like the song my mum used to sing while kneading fresh bread or washing dishes. I should be ready to move on already.

I should be. But I fear I’m not.

Chapter Fifteen

Mari

Iwake to a beautiful, long-legged woman sitting in the chair by the window. Her gaze is fixed on the canal outside, and for a minute or so, I watch her in silence, wondering what she’s thinking, feeling. Her grey eyes are misty, and she blinks more than should be necessary; her mouth is in a tight, flat line, and she plays with the belt of her robe incessantly.

“Are you okay?” I ask eventually when her restlessness seems to fill the room.

“Couldn’t sleep,” she says after looking back at me for a moment. Dawn is still breaking outside, and the cool pinky-blue light that seeps in via the open curtain casts Roos’ face in a mysterious hue. She looks, for want of a better word, haunted.

“Tell me about it.” I push up so I’m sitting. “Please.”

She twists her body towards mine. “There’s not much to tell.”

“Liar,” I say.

That prompts a small smile. “Let me make tea first. Or would you prefer coffee?”