Page 37 of Monarch

“I walked away, of course. I cried all the way home on my bike. I cried for a week afterwards. I barely ate and barely slept. I was a mess.”

“And still nothing from Lex?”

“No, not for another week.”

“What happened then?”

Roos sniffs and drinks some more tea. I do the same.

“Xe showed up at my work. Unannounced, out of the blue. Just showed up and wanted to get a coffee. Like the previous two weeks and that awful fight had never happened.”

I snort. It’s a tame reaction considering how my blood simmers in my veins. “What did you do?”

“I was so stunned, I just said yes. I went for coffee with xem.”

“And?”

“Xe said xe was sorry. That xe had just been overwhelmed with xir work. That when xe gets called to create, xe has to follow the call, and getting interrupted is hard for xem.”

“What did you say?”

“Not much. I was shocked. This was the first time Lex had really apologised and also the first time xe had really been vulnerable with me, shown some fragility. Although I get that it wasn’t exactly a deep confession for Lex, it was something. Xe also gave me a key to xir studio. Told me I could come and be with xem whenever xe disappeared again to make xir art.”

“But I don’t understand.” I narrow my eyes. “You said xe packed up all xir stuff. That xe left without a trace.”

“And that’s exactly what happened.”

“Did you ask xem why? Why didn’t xe just leave xir stuff at your place if xe intended to go back?”

Roos sighs, and it sounds…uncomfortable. “I know. And I did ask, but xe never really gave me a straight answer. Said it was because xe knew xe needed to stay away for a while, at the studio. But I didn’t really believe it then, and I still don’t think I believe it now.”

I chew on any number of possible explanations, but the one that makes the most sense is that Lex did exactly what xe did to me. Xe left with next to no explanation, and xe didn’t give a flying fuck how that would affect Roos, just like xe didn’t care how it would affect me.

“So you took xem back?”

Another ragged sigh. “Yeah.” Roos looks at me, and her eyes are big and sad. “I wish I could say that even when I did, I felt like I was doing the wrong thing, but I didn’t. I don’t know. Maybe I need to stop reading romance novels. I just can’t explain it but there’s something about Lex that makes me feel… I don’t know. Xe just…getsme, and I stupidly, naively thought that I got xem. You know, that feeling you’re truly being seen. Like beyond all the walls I have put up around myself; I always felt like when Lex looked at me, xe saw nothing but me. The real me.”

There’s a lump in my throat when I swallow. “Yeah, I know that feeling.”

Roos’ expression changes then, something sparking to life in her eyes. “Did you feel it too? When you were with Lex? Did xe make you feel like you could truly be yourself with xem?”

I want to say no. I want to tell Roos it was someone else. But I can’t lie. “Yeah.” I look down at our joined hands. “I always thought it was because we went through it together. Discovering our queerness. Changing our names and our pronouns. Taking on the world together. I always thought that was why our bond was so…intense back then, but I know it’s not that simple. Lex was – I guess, still is – like nobody else I have ever met and… Fuck, I hate that that’s true.”

Roos’ dry laughter meets my own as we share a look of solidarity.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I say. “But what happened after I left yesterday?”

“We talked. And it was like the last time xe came crawling back. Xe told me all the things I wanted to hear, but there was something different this time. Xe seemed…different. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, and I can’t put my finger on it now.”

“And did you, you know, take xem back?”

The way she looks at me is confusing. Like she’s pleading with me but also criticising me for saying something stupid.

“I agreed to keep talking,” she says eventually. “Xe said xe would call me last night. Or text at least.”

An important piece of the puzzle slots into place. “But xe didn’t?”

Roos shakes her head. “No.”