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Mum came into my room the next morning and opened my blinds.

‘Morning, love. I gave one of the girls from yoga a call. She’s a sports physio and she’s going to come out and help you next week, but for now you need lots of rest and ice.’

I winced at the pain in my calf.

‘I brought you painkillers,’ Mum said, and I reached for them. ‘If you need any help getting dressed, let me know,’ she said, before leaving.

I pulled on shorts and a Man United shirt. I opened my laptop and turned on Aitana Bonmatí’s best moments, but I had to turn it off. It was too depressing.

A knock on my door.

‘Can I come in?’ Niall’s voice.

‘Yeah.’

He walked in and sat on my bed, looking at his hands rather than me. ‘You didn’t have to tell them, you know.’

‘The party? Of course I did. I couldn’t let you take the fall for my stupid decisions.’

‘I’ve been kind of worried about you,’ Niall said. And then he did look at me, his forehead creased, his expression sincere.

‘Worried? Why?’

‘The way you’ve been acting. The training, it was so much. It was part of the reason I didn’t want to tell you about me and Megan. I knew it would drive you crazy. I’m sorry. If I’ve done any of this, I’m sorry.’

I shook my head, as all the feelings I’d been holding on to for so long came bubbling thick and fast to the surface.

‘It’s not you. It’s not anybody. It’s me .

Do you know how hard I try? For everything?

It’s fucking exhausting. And still, still , I’ll never be as good at football or as clever as Megan.

I’m a fucking failure in every single part of my life.

That’s what’s going on with me and I guess I feel like we drifted apart or something. ’ I moved my leg and recoiled in pain.

‘Lexie, are you serious? Do you know how many times I’ve wished I was more like you?

How much you try? I just get to a certain point and then I quit.

And you might be jealous of Megan, but I’ve been jealous of you for a really long time.

The way Dad looks at you? How well you do at school?

I wish I could stick at things the way you do.

And I guess, I dunno, I felt like I’ve been losing you too.

’ He shrugged, embarrassed, and looked away again.

‘Jealous of me?’ I asked, so confused.

‘Yeah, Lexie, jealous of you. Jealous of your boyfriend. I was going to really try this year, so Dad would think I was class, but then he showed up and blew me out of the water.’

The mention of Shane made my heart sink. ‘You were horrible to him.’

Niall nodded his head. ‘Yep, I was. And it wasn’t me. Like, it didn’t feel like something I would do, be a dick to someone I don’t know. I just wanted to feel better than someone or something.’

It was sad seeing Niall like this. Hating himself. That feeling was usually reserved for me.

‘Well, he’s gone now, so you don’t need to worry about that.’

‘Megan told me what happened between you two. I’m sorry. I guess you really liked him?’

I didn’t have any warning. More tears spilled from my eyes, and I couldn’t stop them. ‘I loved him, Niall. I loved him and he’s gone. He wouldn’t tell me why he had to keep leaving. Am I that hard to talk to? What’s wrong with me?’

‘Nothing’s wrong with you. Everybody loves you and nobody wants to hurt you. Maybe he was worried about how you’d react if he told you whatever it is. Because he didn’t want to make you feel worse than you clearly do.’

I wiped my eyes and stared at the crutches that were leaning against my bed. ‘Was it that obvious?’

‘Even to me,’ he said.

I stayed in my room when Niall left, thinking about all the things he’d just said. How it had been so painfully obvious to everyone that I was falling apart and keeping secrets had just been their way of protecting me. And I felt OK about it. Because for the first time, I understood.

A week later, my calf was starting to feel slightly better. I’d spent the last seven days spaced out on painkillers and sadness, and I couldn’t take it any more. The silence. So I sent him a message.

ME : Hey. Can we talk?

ME : Please?

I watched as the little ticks turned to blue, so I knew he’d read it, but there was no reply.

Then the physio came to the house, with grey hair and a smile that was trying its hardest to make me smile too. But I couldn’t. Not when I’d just reminded myself how much Shane hated me.

‘Nice to meet you, Alexandra. So football’s your poison?’ She laughed good-naturedly.

‘I guess,’ I said.

She showed me exercise after exercise – and they all hurt.

‘Every day. You need to be doing these every day multiple times. Do I have your word?’

I nodded.

‘I’ll help.’

I turned to see Niall watching me do the exercises.

‘Brilliant. Always great to have family members who are willing to lend a hand. Come and watch how to do these properly.’ She waved Niall over and he watched intently as I completed each exercise.

My heart swelled. This was the old Niall, the one who was part of my team.

When Annie left, Niall sat with me, and we watched Back to the Future . Our old favourite movie.

‘So, Megan then …’ I was ready. Ready to talk to him about it. ‘Do you love her?’

‘Yeah,’ he said without hesitation. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do when she leaves,’ he said sadly.

‘You can go and visit her. And anyway, seeing as the scout’s interested, she might not even be in London.’

‘She’ll still be in England.’

‘I wish I’d applied somewhere over there now,’ he said. And I wished the same. Now I didn’t have Shane, I didn’t want to be here. I’d just got Niall and Megan back and now I was going to lose them all over again.

I remember when we’d made the decision to stay at home. We didn’t want to split up, and even the idea of going to different universities felt ridiculous.

‘You could always transfer?’ I suggested. ‘I bet they do sports science degrees in loads of places.’

‘You wouldn’t mind?’ he asked, his eyes lighting up at the prospect.

I sighed. ‘I think it’s weird, maybe kind of cringe, but even though you were right about having separate lives –’

‘I felt really bad about saying that.’

I shook my head. ‘It’s fine. I just meant that even though we’re our own people, I think we’ll always have that connection, and even if you’re on the other side of the world, I reckon we’ll still be in each other’s lives. So you weren’t totally right.’ I stuck out my tongue.

He shrugged. ‘I never thought about it like that … You’re right. It is cringe.’ He laughed. ‘But true.’

‘But, yeah, the Megan-in-England thing, you should think about it anyway. She clearly loves you too.’ I rolled my eyes and laughed.

‘Do you still love him ?’ Niall asked, and my breath caught in my throat.

I nodded, too scared to speak. Unsure how my voice would come out. ‘So don’t mess it up with Megan, you need to make it work, at least one of us should be happy and not screw up everything.’

We watched the rest of the movie in easy silence. When it was almost over, my phone buzzed.

ZOE : Hey, I heard about what happened. Are you OK? ?

I stared at it for a few seconds. When I saw her name flash up on my phone, I was expecting some essay of hate, so it took me a while to get my head around the kindness.

Niall looked at me with concern. ‘Who is it? Is it him?’

I shook my head. ‘Zoe.’

Niall pulled a face. ‘Oh shit.’

‘It’s fine. She’s asking how I am.’

ME : I’m OK, won’t be playing football for a while, though . How come you weren’t at the match?

ZOE : Honestly?

ME : Go for it

ZOE : I was too upset about Hunter

ME : Can I just tell you again that it was him who kissed me, and I didn’t want it at all …

ZOE : It wasn’t just him. I think it all got on top of me. Hunter, Shane and even Megan

ME : Megan? Why?

ZOE : You guys have such a great friendship. I’ve never had that and it looks like so much fun. But seriously, I am glad you’re OK

ME : Maybe we could hang out when I’m back at school?

ZOE : Sure, I’d like that :)

Over the next few days and weeks Niall kept to his word.

He helped me do my exercises every day. He was enthusiastic, he measured my progress, and it felt like I’d got my brother back.

Mum was super attentive and one day she sat with me for hours watching Modern Family .

And it was nice, knowing that with her I didn’t have to do anything.

I didn’t have to be the best at anything.

She loved me anyway. Even Dad had chilled out.

When he wasn’t working, he’d started hanging out with Niall, just the two of them, going to the cinema or out for dinner, and one night Mum and Dad played Mario Kart with us, and I hadn’t laughed that much in a really long time.

Megan helped too, making me laugh when I was falling back into my own head and thinking about football or Shane. She’d pull me out with some stupid joke or dance.

Sadie came to visit one afternoon. The same afternoon Niall and Megan had gone out on some mystery date.

‘How are you doing, Lexie? That was some injury.’ She pulled a face.

‘I’m OK. I’ve got physio to do and painkillers.’

She nodded. ‘I’ve come to give you something. You know the awards ceremony that we have in the summer?’

I nodded while she looked for something in her bag.

She pulled out a trophy. ‘This is for you. Manager’s player. For the player who tries the hardest, who always gives one hundred per cent. An absolute credit to the club.’

She held it out to me, and I took it. My eyes welled up as I read the inscription.

Manager’s Player

Alexandra Ryan

2024–2025

‘Thank you,’ I said, my voice quiet. These awards weren’t usually given out until the end of the season.

‘No, thank you , Lexie. I haven’t come across a player as determined as you for a very long time and it’s given me hope that there are more of you out there somewhere. You are an absolute joy to coach, and we’ll be there when you get back to full health.’

She sounded like she was going to cry. Sadie was not an emotional person. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

Mum came in to say hello properly, then she saw the trophy and her face lit up.

‘You’ve got some daughter, Mrs Ryan.’ Sadie stood up, getting ready to leave.

‘Don’t I know it.’ Mum winked at me, then showed Sadie out the door.

Mum came back in and put the trophy gently on the mantelpiece.

I stared at it and my chest swelled with pride.

‘See, what did I tell you, Lexie? What’s for you won’t pass you.’

I’d been feeling like such a failure, for failing to get a proper place on the team, for pushing myself so hard I got injured … for Shane. And it wasn’t like the award fixed everything, but it coloured in a tiny corner of the black hole I’d been living in.