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The dynamic shifted again now that me and Megan were talking.

I started giving them lifts to school and Niall went back to his usual spot with his earbuds in.

But it was still weird. I had to be careful about what I was talking about.

No Shane, not that I wanted to bring him up, even though he was right there in my head, taking up every inch of space in my brain.

This morning I’d gone into WhatsApp and hovered on his name for what felt like forever, debating whether I should send him a message or not.

As soon as he came online, I locked my screen and put my phone face down, my heart beating hard, as if he could see me.

I missed him. And every time I thought about how I’d ruined everything with my temper, I made myself think about the fact that he was hiding something from me and I’d given him a million chances to tell me.

‘We should celebrate,’ Megan said, putting on lipstick in the car mirror.

‘Celebrate what?’ I asked, confused.

‘Being friends again.’

I couldn’t help smiling at her enthusiasm. I was happy too. It was like part of the weight that had been crushing my chest had been lifted.

‘How should we do it? Extra practice after school?’ I stuck out my tongue at her as she closed her eyes and pretended to snore. ‘Fine, fine. What’s your suggestion?’

She side-eyed me. ‘Party?’

‘Where?’ I didn’t really like house parties.

But this time I was on board. A party was exactly what I needed to stop thinking about Shane and his stupid secrets.

Although I don’t even know if that would work.

I was torturing myself with images of Shane with other girls.

And there was nothing to prove anything, but my mind wouldn’t leave me alone, telling me repeatedly that the big secret was that he already had a girlfriend.

Megan looked at me. ‘Aren’t your parents going away this weekend?’

I laughed because it was such a ridiculous suggestion. ‘Are you serious? My dad would go mental,’ I said, glancing in the mirror to check that Niall still had his earbuds in.

‘That’s what Niall said. But it would just be a little party.’ Megan fluttered her eyelashes at me.

Niall being against the idea made the suggestion so much more attractive.

I smiled. ‘I’m in.’

Megan squealed. ‘You have no idea how glad I am to have my friend back.’

‘Me too. Meg?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Do you think Shane has another girlfriend? And that’s the secret?’ It hurt to say it.

‘No. No way,’ she said immediately. ‘I mean, that would be a total dick move. Did you get any of those vibes?’

‘No. I mean the only thing was that Zoe was really into him and I saw her talking to him one night before practice.’ The feelings from that night were back. The jealousy, the anger. ‘And she asked him to V-Ball.’

‘Zoe? No way. But sure, Zoe talks to everyone. There’s no chance he’d go for someone like her.’

‘But she’s really pretty.’

‘She is pretty, but so are you. And you don’t walk around smiling like some AI simulation.’

I burst out laughing. ‘That’s true, I guess.’

‘And think about when he had to leave her party? Would it make sense?’ Megan asked, in full detective mode.

He had left Zoe’s party early, so I guess it didn’t. But that was my head at the minute. A complete and utter mess.

‘Yeah, you’re right. But there’s something else. I’ve seen someone called Grace messaging him a few times, and he’s never mentioned who she is.’

Megan gave a disapproving snort. ‘Ugh, maybe he is a fuckboy. Do you really need that drama in your life?’

I winced at the word she’d used, never thinking it would be used in the context of Shane. I shook my head sadly.

‘And we can have the best night ever on Friday. I’ll help you forget all about Shane.’ Megan reached over and squeezed my hand on the steering wheel. ‘And the match on Saturday isn’t until midday, so it’ll be totally fine.’

‘Yeah,’ I agreed. Outwardly anyway.

Megan got to work as soon as we got to school, telling everyone about the little party, that was turning into a definitely not little party already.

Niall didn’t find out until break time, when he came up to me with a face like thunder. ‘Lexie, what the hell? A party? I’m not taking the fall for it. You can explain that one to Mum and Dad yourself.’

‘Nice one, twins.’ Hunter slapped Niall on the back. ‘Sounds like you’re going to be a bit of craic again finally.’

Niall forced a smile. ‘Yeah man, but here, don’t be telling too many people, OK?’

‘You have my word,’ said Hunter. ‘You’re not bringing your boyfriend are you, Lexie?’

My stomach lurched. ‘No, he can’t come,’ I said.

I could feel Niall looking at me. Megan mustn’t have told him about our conversation last night. I was touched.

Niall’s expression softened. ‘Good,’ he said.

‘Aw, come on, man. She’s upset that her boyfriend won’t be there,’ Hunter said. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll cheer you up at the party. I’ll bring a keg. Ryan can get me one.’

Hunter was way too into this already. And usually I’d be panicking, but, fuck it, I needed it.

‘Yeah. Niall, chill out,’ I said and smiled sweetly at him.

Megan came over. ‘OK, Zoe’s going to tell her lot, I’ll tell the football ones tomorrow night, and Hunter’s already told half the school. It’s going to be a total rager.’ She grinned, then her smile disappeared when she saw Niall’s face.

His mood lasted all day. When we got home, he came into my bedroom.

‘Get out,’ I said when he walked in without knocking.

‘You need to cancel this party; it’s getting out of control. I’m getting messages from Birch High kids who want to come.’

I shrugged. ‘So tell them they can’t.’

‘Lexie, what the hell has got into you? And there’s a match on Saturday. You planning to play with a hangover?’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Not all of us plan to get as drunk as possible at every opportunity.’

‘It’s your funeral,’ he said and slammed the door behind him.

Whatever. I didn’t care what he thought. I was done thinking about Niall all the time. Football and fun, that’s all I wanted to think about from now on. Definitely not Shane.

I looked perfect on Tuesday night for practice. Hair washed, make-up on. My favourite perfume, my wee shorts. I’d show him what he was missing. And I played my heart out. Megan cheered me on, pointing out all the good things I did and making excuses for my mistakes.

Out of breath, I hung around, trying to catch a glimpse of him, to see if he was as devastated as I was. But in the crowd of boys, I couldn’t see him. Anywhere.

‘Is he here?’ Megan was beside me now, her breath completely back to a normal rhythm.

‘I don’t see him.’

‘That’s weird. Hold on, look. Harrison’s telling them something.’

He’d gathered all the boys in the corner of the pitch.

‘Come on.’ Megan pulled my hand and led me to the edge of the pitch so we could get closer. Out of sight, but we could hear everything.

‘Some news, boys. Shane has left us. He’s gone back to Ferndale United.’

The boys started talking between themselves.

‘It’s going to be a bit of a blow to the team. I tried to convince him to stay, but he’s decided that Westing isn’t for him. It’s not for everyone. But now I know what kind of team we can be, I want to see extra effort from now on.’

Harrison’s words blurred into something inaudible.

‘Lex, are you OK?’ Megan was staring at me with concern.

I shook my head because I didn’t know what else to do. He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to see how great I looked and want me back.

‘He left?’ I said.

‘Yeah, he mustn’t have liked it here.’

‘Because of Niall and Hunter,’ I said, desperately trying to stop tears from coming.

I remembered how he’d said it would be easier if he left.

Easier for who? Not me.

And if someone had told me he wasn’t going to be there tonight, I’d have said I didn’t care, that he could keep his secrets and I never wanted to see him again. But it would have been a lie.

I didn’t expect the pain. The physical pain that seared through my chest and made me want to throw up.