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It wasn’t long before I heard Megan’s voice, dragging me out of the quiet frozen bliss.

‘Lexie? Are you outside?’ She sounded a bit panicked, so I stood up and walked back along the path that I’d shared with Shane thirty minutes ago.

‘Hi,’ I said, emerging from the trees.

‘What the hell are you doing out here? It’s Baltic!’ Megan said, shivering.

And the way she looked at me, with genuine concern, was touching. So much that I thought about telling her about Shane. I imagined how excited she’d be for me. I was desperate to share it with someone. Maybe I could just let it go, all that stuff with her and Niall.

‘Just went for a walk with –’

‘Niall’s kind of drunk,’ Megan cut in.

I don’t know why it shocked me. It made sense. They didn’t care about anyone else, just themselves. And I was glad she did it; it made my decision for me. I didn’t need her, and I definitely didn’t need Niall.

‘He’s an idiot,’ I said.

‘Ugh, I know, but he’s freaking out about this new kid and has been really sad.’ Megan looked distressed, but it didn’t affect me at all.

‘You mean the one he just told to go back to Ferndale?’ I winced at the memory. The vitriol in Niall’s voice.

Megan tried to defend him. ‘He didn’t mean it.’

‘He did. Where is he?’

‘In the fancy room. The one with the chaise longue.’

The heat from the kitchen was intense – radiators, bodies pressed against each other – the noise like nails on a blackboard. I wished I could go outside again. Megan grabbed my hand and pulled me through groups of people into the hall and then into the good room.

There was Niall, slumped on a chaise longue, leg hanging off the end. Hunter perched on the edge, drinking a beer. Zoe and Amina on the other seat, whispering to each other.

‘Jesus, Niall,’ I said. ‘How much have you had to drink?’

Niall looked up through a mop of blonde hair, eyes glazed. ‘Lex, is that you?’

‘Yes, it’s me, you dumbass.’

‘I had too many shots.’ He was slurring.

‘You think?’ I sat down beside his head. ‘Get up.’

He dragged himself up and draped his arm over my shoulder. Megan went to his other side, and he leaned on her too.

‘Here, let me help.’ Hunter took the weight of Niall from me. Megan talked to try to keep him awake, but he kept closing his eyes. Hunter looked at me. ‘This doesn’t mean you have to leave too, does it?’

‘Yep, designated driver,’ I said, glad of the excuse.

‘That’s a shame,’ he said with a grunt as he heaved a slipping Niall back on to his shoulder. ‘I was hoping we could catch up tonight.’

‘Sorry, gotta go,’ I said, unsure what exactly he wanted to catch up on. I wished he’d just move on, to Amina or Zoe or something. Why did he have to go and make everything so awkward by asking me to V-Ball?

‘Maybe we can catch up next week?’ he asked with a smile that was usually reserved for Niall’s rubbish jokes. It was like he’d forgotten about what had happened earlier, what he and Niall had said to Shane. Either that or he just didn’t care.

‘Yeah, maybe. But maybe you and Niall should be nicer to the kid who just joined your team and doesn’t know anybody,’ I added, burning with rage all over again.

He stared at me for a second, like he didn’t know I’d seen.

‘It was just a joke, Lexie. Chill out. If anything, he’ll play even better now, just to prove us wrong. So it’s win-win for him.’

‘That’s fucked up.’

‘Come on, Lex, we didn’t mean it.’ He turned on the charm, smiling under the weight of Niall.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. ‘Let’s just get him out of here.’

‘Do not tell Dad about this, OK?’ Niall slurred as Hunter walked him towards the door.

Amina laughed, and I looked over to see Zoe staring at me like she was trying to work something out.

A tension that hadn’t been there before.

Was she wondering what I’d got up to with Shane?

Did she recognize the jacket I was wearing?

Part of me hoped she would, especially after what Amina had said about the sex on the beach.

‘Let’s go, Niall – you are not puking in Zoe’s lovely house,’ I said, making sure she heard me.

Hunter dumped Niall in the back seat, and Megan got in the front beside me.

‘What’s the deal with the trackie top?’ she asked. ‘How did I not notice that you were slumming it in Puma?’ She stroked my sleeve.

I wondered how long she was going to keep trying to pretend that nothing was wrong.

‘I was cold, so I found it in Zoe’s house. Must be her brother’s or something,’ I said. I hoped she was drunk enough not to question me any more. I didn’t even know if Zoe had a brother.

‘Do you reckon Hunter got his teeth done? I don’t remember them being that white. Or that big. Did he go to Turkey recently? I don’t know, maybe I’m just forced to look at him more now because of Niall.’ Megan rested her head against the window.

I couldn’t believe she wasn’t saying anything about what had happened between Niall and Shane.

‘You need to tell Niall to lay off Shane,’ I said.

She peeled herself away from the window. ‘He was just letting off steam. He’s really upset about it.’

‘So what? It’s hardly Shane’s fault, is it?’ I said, getting angry again.

‘Well, he kind of did just walk on to the team and take Niall’s position,’ she said, like this was a good explanation. But she was drunk, so there was no point in arguing with her. She probably wouldn’t even remember it the next day anyway.

‘Whatever.’

‘Whatever,’ she sang. And then fell asleep.

Mum and Dad must have been in bed when we got home because the lights were off, except for the hall, and nobody said anything when we walked in. I actually wished Megan had come back with us just so she could give me a hand up the stairs.

Eventually I got Niall on to his bed. Even though part of me wanted to leave him in the living room, drunk, so Mum and Dad would find him, the tiny part of me that was Niall’s first friend, first confidante, just couldn’t do it.

And it made me feel pathetic, that even though he’d been so horrible to me, and so horrible to Shane, I couldn’t just say ‘fuck him’ and drop him in it.

This used to be the part where Megan would come with me, into my room, into my bed, where we’d talk about school and football and boys all night. But I shut the thought down. I had better things to think about.

I had been desperate for some time alone since Shane had left. His number in my phone, screaming out at me.

I left Niall and walked into my bedroom, going straight to the window. I opened it so I could hear the ocean. I looked out at the moon, the shimmering crescent that made the dark water glitter. The same stars and crescent moon that Shane and I had been standing under a couple of hours ago.

I reached for my phone and sent him a message before I gave myself any time to think about it.

To convince myself that maybe he left because he was bored of my company or that maybe he was lying about not having a girlfriend.

I felt brave. It felt like something with too much potential to just sleep on.

ME : Hey

SHANE : Hey, are you still at the party?

ME : Nope. Niall got drunk so got him home before he started a fight with someone else. Still really sorry about that …

SHANE : It wasn’t your fault. Let’s not talk about him anyway. What are you doing?

ME : Just standing at my bedroom window. You?

SHANE : Just getting into bed

Suddenly the image of Shane taking off his clothes was in my head, and I was glad he couldn’t see the colour of my face.

SHANE : I had a really good time tonight

ME : Same

SHANE : What can you see out the window?

ME : The sea. Our house is on the lough

SHANE : Nice. What’s it like?

ME : Pretty. There’s this one streak of light from the moon that’s made the water all sparkly

It was like magic.

SHANE : I wish I could see it too. My window just looks out on the street and more houses.

ME : You should come over sometime. There’s this bit of the beach that’s not ours, but it’s basically private because it’s so hard to get to from the road

SHANE : I’d like that

I shimmied out of my clothes and put my pyjamas on, trying not to interrupt the flow of conversation. Then I lay down on my bed, phone above my face, jaw aching from smiling.

ME : So what’s the deal then? Do you want to go pro? Do you want to get scouted at Westing?

SHANE is typing

He stopped and started at least three times.

SHANE : I don’t know …

ME : That’s a pretty big thing not to be sure about …

SHANE : I’ve never said it out loud before

ME : Do your family want you to?

SHANE : Sort of. What about you?

ME : I just want to be on the first team. I need to work harder

SHANE : I think you’re pretty great

ME : I will be

SHANE : You know what you’re missing?

Him. I was missing him.

ME : What?

SHANE : The most important part of football

ME : Which is?

I was waiting for him to tell me some technique I’d never heard of.

SHANE : Fun

And I laughed out loud even though he wasn’t there to hear it.

ME : I don’t do FUN when it comes to football

SHANE : Maybe that’s something we need to change

ME : I’m not sure about that …

SHANE : I am. Are you ready for your first training session?

ME : Yes Coach

SHANE : Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow x

ME : xxx

And of course I didn’t get any sleep. But I didn’t care, because no dream could be better than this.