Page 29

I ignored all Mum’s requests to reduce my training. I did the opposite. I didn’t need Shane. Every morning that week I was outside, running laps and doing drills before school. I needed it, to get him out of my head.

Everything reminded me of Shane. The beach, catching a glimpse of my clarinet, even the cutlery in the kitchen brought me right back to that perfect night. But thoughts like that made me run harder.

‘Miss Ryan, are you awake?’

I jerked my eyes open to see Mrs Skillen staring at me.

‘Sorry, yeah, I just …’

‘Fell asleep?’ she finished for me.

‘Yeah. Sorry.’

She held me behind after class. ‘Alexandra, I’m worried about you. Your grades have slipped quite significantly and falling asleep in class? That’s not like you. Is everything OK? At home?’

Mrs Skillen was nice. One of those gentle teachers that most kids took advantage of.

‘I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong, I’ve just been doing a lot of football training lately,’ I said. And part of me wanted to leave it there so she’d think I was something special. Like I was Megan or something and a seriously big deal.

‘Maybe you should pull back on the training and try to concentrate on your schoolwork for a while? I don’t want you to fall behind, not just before your exams.’

‘I’m fine, promise. I can do it all,’ I said, standing up.

‘I’m here, Alexandra, if you want to talk,’ she said as I left the room.

At least I knew he wouldn’t be at training on Thursday. Then I could tell myself that I was just there for me, to show Sadie what I could do, so she wouldn’t regret her choice to play me on Saturday.

‘OK, girls, huge game on Saturday. A scout will be there to watch Megan, but you never know, stranger things have happened, maybe someone else will catch her eye. I want you all there for warm-up at eleven thirty. And I want you all to get early nights. We’re playing Barn United.

They’re a good team and they’ll put up a fight, so be prepared for that.

See you all on Saturday.’ Then Sadie smiled.

Well, as close as Sadie can come to a smile.

I went for a jog when the boys’ practice was on, even though Megan begged me not to. But I couldn’t stand there watching. Not when that was where I first saw him. Haunted by the night we met.

Mum and Dad left that evening. And as I stood there in the hallway waving them off, I could see the doubt in Niall’s eyes, trying to decide whether he should out me or not. But he didn’t. He didn’t say anything at all.

Megan came over as soon as they’d left. She said she’d told her parents she was studying with me, even though they weren’t stupid and knew she was going out with Niall.

‘Thing is, if I keep talking at them about things, they get really irritated and just want me to leave, so that’s what I did.’ Megan smiled. She was in my room, sitting on my bed, the way it used to be. Sort of.

‘They’ll miss you when you go to uni,’ I said quietly.

Megan looked at me like she didn’t know what to say.

‘ I’ll miss you when you go to uni. You could have told me, you know …’

‘And this?’ Megan waved her hand in front of my face. ‘It makes me want to cry. I know I should have said, but I hate seeing you upset more than anything. Forgive me?’

She cocked an eyebrow and I laughed. ‘Suppose so. But you need to promise that nothing will change between us again.’

She held out her little finger and I hooked mine round it. ‘Promise. But on to more important things: what are you wearing tomorrow night? Something low-cut, best tits in Belfast?’

I laughed. ‘Maybe. What are you wearing?’

‘I’m going all out. Little black dress. I’m so excited.’

‘Me too,’ I said, trying to convince myself. A tiny part of me wished I’d asked Mum to stay, and that the party wasn’t happening.

I couldn’t sleep that night. The smell of the ocean pulled me out of bed and outside under the glow of the moon. I started running, even though I was exhausted, and my muscles screamed for me to stop. I ran until I couldn’t think any more and Shane wasn’t haunting my thoughts.

The next day, school was insane. Every second person who talked to me was asking about the party, even people I didn’t know. But I didn’t care. All I cared about was the fact I wouldn’t have to think about Shane all night.

‘This is a mistake,’ Niall said on the way home.

‘It’ll be fine,’ replied Megan. ‘We’ll get up early and clean the place and your mum and dad will never know!’

‘We’ll see,’ Niall said.

Hunter showed up first, rolling a keg of beer in front of him.

‘What the hell?’ I said.

He stopped rolling and looked at me. ‘Lexie, you look amazing.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, and was surprised when my cheeks flushed with heat. ‘Kitchen?’ I pointed at the keg.

And that was only the start of it. Kid after kid showed up with more alcohol than I’d ever seen. There were already ones from the year below kicking a ball about on the pitch and a group of girls vaping outside.

Megan grabbed my hand and squeezed it. ‘Oh my God, Lexie, this is going to be amazing.’

She looked incredible. I was so used to seeing her in a football kit and her baggy jumpers, so now that she’d made an effort, she looked like a different person.

I watched Niall’s face when he saw her, like something from a cartoon: mouth open, imaginary smoke pouring out his ears.

And I thought of Shane then, how much I loved it when he ran his eyes over me, and that electric current rushed through my veins.

‘Shot?’ Megan dragged me over to the kitchen island where Hunter was handing out shots of something blue.

‘Sure?’ I pulled a face when I looked at it.

‘Get it down ya,’ said Hunter. I swallowed it.

‘How come Shane isn’t coming?’

I turned round to see Zoe studying my expression. I wished she hadn’t said his name. Hearing it coming out of her lips felt worse than the constant reel of his face going round in my head.

I smiled and reached for another shot. ‘Just busy.’ I wished so hard that my lie was true, that he was playing football or something, that we hadn’t had that fight, and that my heart wasn’t shattered.

‘Hey, Hunter, don’t forget me, your date,’ Zoe said with a grin.

They were going out now?

Hunter handed her a shot. ‘Sorry, babe.’

In the kitchen, Niall was already picking up rubbish. But a couple of hours later he’d obviously abandoned his efforts, because there were crisp packets, empty bottles and pizza boxes everywhere. My house looked like a bomb site.

The music was so loud that it made my ears ache. There were people everywhere. Every room I went into had people kissing, people laughing, people just hanging out. I’d never felt so lonely.

The shots had gone to my head. But I liked it. The woozy, blurry feeling softened the edges of all my thoughts of Shane. So I drank another.

‘You good, Lexie?’

I looked up to see Hunter smiling at me.

I smiled back. ‘I’m good.’

‘Can I show you something?’

I laughed. ‘In my own house?’

‘Yeah, in your own house. Actually upstairs.’

I sighed and shrugged. I wasn’t doing anything else and could definitely use a distraction.

‘Come on.’ Hunter nodded his head towards the staircase.

I swallowed another shot. They’d actually started to taste nice now. I followed Hunter upstairs to the games room, where he sat down on the sofa. There were only a few other kids up here. Well, there could be some in my bedroom, but I wasn’t about to check.

He turned on the Nintendo.

‘You wanted to show me the Switch?’ I said, confused.

‘Just wait. You’re so impatient.’

I watched as he turned on Mario Kart and went on to one of the Bowser’s Castle levels. ‘Just watch. Next time you play Niall, use this cheat.’

I watched as Hunter cheated with Toad, my favourite character.

‘Amazing,’ I said. ‘I’m definitely going to use that.

Thanks, Hunter.’ And because I wasn’t thinking straight, I was just enjoying not thinking about Shane, I was back in time, playing Nintendo with Niall, when losing a Grand Prix was the biggest worry I had.

And I was too late. For everything. It was like a slow-motion car crash that I couldn’t stop.

Hunter put down the controller and turned round. He put his hand on my leg and leaned towards me. But my head was spinning, and although I knew I wanted to get out of his way, whatever signal that went from my brain to my legs wasn’t working properly. So I just sat there as he kissed me.

‘Lexie?’ I heard.

I pulled away from Hunter, pushing his chest away from me at the same time. Then I turned towards the stairs, and I have never hated myself more.

Shane. Standing there in his tracksuit, quarter zip up to his chin, pain in his eyes. And right beside him? Zoe.

Shane was staring at me in utter shock and Zoe looked like she was about to burst into tears.

‘Shane,’ I said, horrified.

He shook his head, turned round and walked down the stairs.

‘Hunter, what the fuck?’ I looked at him, then pushed his shoulder. ‘Why did you do that?’ I stood up and walked towards the stairs. Zoe had disappeared. ‘You’re with Zoe . And I’m …’

‘You’re what?’

I didn’t want to waste any more time on him, so I ignored his question and stumbled down the stairs to find Shane. How could I have been so stupid? I knew what Hunter was like. I pushed past people on the stairs and scanned the hallway, looking for Shane.

As soon as I reached the bottom step, Zoe was in front of me. Amina’s arm round her shoulder, tears streaming down her face.

‘You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?’ She looked pissed off and on the verge of tears.

I felt so sick. ‘What?’

‘You knew I wanted Shane and then you took him, and now I can’t even have Hunter? Niall told me you were upstairs, so I was just showing Shane where you were. I didn’t … Just why, Lexie?’ She could barely get the words out through her tears.

‘I don’t want Hunter. He kissed me,’ I slurred. Then I walked away. I needed to find Shane.

I went outside into the freezing night and shouted his name so loudly that my throat hurt.

Then I phoned him. Again and again and again.

No answer. I didn’t even try and stop the tears.

I walked back inside, grabbed the closed bottle of whatever spirit was on the sideboard and took a huge swig, bringing it back outside with me.

Then I went to the beach. There were kids all over the garden, but I hoped nobody would be there.

I breathed in the salty air, hoping it would calm me down, but only the bottle of vodka in my hand had any chance of doing that.

I walked over rocks and seaweed and headed straight for the water.

I walked in, still wearing my trainers, and thought about the night here with Shane.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said into the night. I looked at the stars and then I was back at Zoe’s house, where everything was new and exciting, before this mess.

‘Lexie, what the hell?’

I spun round, almost falling into the water to see Niall staring at me with fear on his face.

‘What?’ I asked. ‘Want some?’ I held up the bottle.

‘No, Lexie, what are you doing? You don’t drink.’ He walked towards me, splashing through the freezing water in his jeans. He took the bottle from me and I snatched it back, taking another drink to prove him wrong.

‘I do now.’

‘You and Hunter now?’

‘What, Niall? Why do you even care? And no, I’m not with Hunter. He’s an idiot. It’s Shane, I wanted Shane. And I’ve ruined everything.’

‘Nah, ruining things is my job. Come on.’

I didn’t fight him as he led me back to the house, then upstairs. He told the people on my bed to piss off and waited while I lay down on top of the covers and closed my eyes.

But he was gone when I opened them again. I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom where I threw up everywhere.

I slept on the bathroom floor, the cold tiles soothing against my hot face. And despite how ill I felt, I wished it would get worse, anything to mask the pain of what I’d just done.