Page 26

I stayed in my room the rest of the day, talking to Shane.

ME : Found out today that my mum was actually some tennis prodigy when she was a kid

SHANE : Wow, that’s so cool! So she’s the reason you’re so good at football then?

I smiled at his message. Before Shane I would have pushed back on the compliment if anyone had said something like that, but I felt like I didn’t have to with him.

ME : Maybe But the thing is, she never told me. She kept it a secret my whole life. Even Niall knew. She said she didn’t tell me because she thought it would put pressure on me

I sent him one of the links about Mum.

SHANE : I think it’s really nice that she’d think that way. Are you OK? That she didn’t tell you?

ME : I don’t know. Am I difficult to talk to?

I put it out there, hoping it would trigger him into telling me his secrets.

SHANE : I think you’re the opposite

I left his message there for five minutes, staring at the hypocrisy, hoping he’d type again, telling me everything. But he didn’t. So I decided to suck it up and ask him something I’d been terrified of asking since we’d started going out.

ME : So what are your plans for next year?

As soon as I hit send my heart raced. The thought of him disappearing across the water like Megan made me feel sick.

Having to stop whatever this was before it had even started?

It wasn’t worth thinking about. But I guess I needed something.

Something to prove that I wasn’t some brick wall people couldn’t get past.

SHANE : You mean uni and stuff? It’s not for me. Don’t fancy getting into debt for something I won’t even know if I like. What about you?

ME : Sports science at UUJ. Hopefully anyway. So that means you’re sticking around?

SHANE : Yep :) Are you OK after last night? It was kind of intense

ME : Yeah, I’ll be fine. I mean, I don’t know if me and Niall will ever talk again, but I had a nice chat with Mum so at least I have some allies, even if she’s on Niall’s side too

SHANE : And me. I’ll always be on your side. But like I said, I can leave Westing if it makes things easier

ME : Thanks :) But let’s talk about it later? I need some time to get ready

SHANE : Bet you look amazing right now anyway

I sent him a picture with my face screwed up and my tongue sticking out.

ME : I don’t. Here’s some evidence

SHANE : Well, I’m going to have to dispute that evidence, but that’s fine. See you later?

ME : Yep, see you soon x

SHANE : Can’t wait x

I spent ages getting ready. I wanted to look perfect for him. My favourite Man United shirt, that he’d say he’d hate, my favourite jeans, the ones that were tight in all the right places, and the new parka Mum had bought me for the winter.

‘Bye, Mum. Away to Thunderland,’ I called to her before I left.

‘Who are you going with?’ she asked with a smile.

I grinned back. ‘None of your business.’

‘Well, have a lovely time, and don’t be too late – the roads will get icy.’

‘OK, Mum. Bye!’

I parked outside Shane’s house and sent him a message. Part of me was hoping he’d invite me in, but he didn’t.

SHANE : I’ll be out in ten x

But even though I was disappointed that he didn’t ask me to come in, I couldn’t help but smile when he came out. Even his coat was sporty. A black Nike puffer one that looked so inviting that I couldn’t wait to get my hands inside it.

‘Hey,’ he said when he got in.

‘Hey,’ I replied and leaned over to kiss him.

He smiled. ‘What was that for?’

‘I missed you.’

Then he kissed me again before we drove across town.

I parked about half a mile away from Thunderland. The Ferris wheel was glittering silver and green in the night. I followed the lights, not feeling the cold because of the warmth that rushed though me every time I stole a look at Shane.

We stood at the entrance, high on the smell of popcorn, fried onions, and the sound of music and exhilarated screams from high above. Before we went inside, I turned and slipped my hands under his coat and round his waist, looking up at him.

‘You have no idea how happy I am to see you.’

He kissed my nose, and I closed my eyes, trying to capture this exact moment so I could keep it forever.

‘Probably not as happy as I am to see you.’ He smiled, but it was tinged with something else. Sadness maybe.

‘Everything OK?’ I asked, hoping this was when he would open up about whatever it was that he was keeping from me.

‘Oh yeah, grand. Better now. Let’s go.’ He grabbed my hand and I tried to ignore the momentary sinking in my stomach. Because the thing was, it never lasted long with him. Everything else was too good, too special. He made me forget all the bad stuff.

He held up my hand, laughing. ‘Are you wearing mittens?’

‘What’s wrong with mittens?’ I held them up in front of my face. ‘I love a good mitten.’

‘They’re cute.’

‘OK, what are we going on first?’ I put my hands on my hips and waited for his answer.

‘The teacups?’

‘Are you kidding me?’ I pushed him with a mitten. ‘OK, seeing as you’re scared, why don’t we try the Ferris wheel first? It’s super slow and almost never gets stuck.’

‘Almost never?’ He raised his eyebrows.

‘I mean, there was this one time Meg had to climb down a few carts but she was fine.’

‘What?’

The shock on his face was hilarious.

‘I’m sorry! It was too tempting! I’m taking the piss. I promise we’ll be OK. Do you trust me?’

‘I really don’t know now,’ he replied.

I pulled him towards the Ferris wheel anyway and we sat in one of the little carts. I pulled the bar down slowly.

‘I feel sick,’ he said.

I pulled off a mitten. ‘Do you want to hold my hand? We can get off if you want, you know, if you really don’t want to.’ He looked so scared I’d started to feel bad.

‘No, I’m doing this. It’s time.’ He laced his fingers through my de-mittened hand and held on tightly.

And we wouldn’t have had time to get off anyway because right then it creaked forward, the music started, and we floated into the night sky.

‘So if you’re not going to uni, what do you want to do next year?’ I asked, curious because uni had always been the only option for me.

He shrugged. ‘I dunno. Stay at home, get a job. I’m not actually sure. I kind of thought about getting into coaching.

‘Of course! That makes so much sense, and I happen to know first-hand that you’d make an amazing coach.’

He looked so genuinely pleased, his eyes as wide as his grin, his lips just asking to be kissed. So I kissed him, releasing my hand from his and tracing the outline of his jaw with my fingertips.

‘Hey, look,’ I said.

I pointed across the lough. A perfect moon was shining on the water like it had been the night of Zoe’s party.

He looked at me instead. ‘I can’t.’

‘It’s really beautiful,’ I said.

‘Not as beautiful as what I’m looking at.’

I smiled a big dorky, open-mouthed smile that made me want to punch myself in the head.

‘You have the most expressive face I’ve ever seen,’ he said. ‘I love it.’

I didn’t see any more of the view on that time round. Or the next one, nor the next. And he was right – what could be more beautiful than this?

‘Well?’ I asked him as soon as we got off, leaning into him as we walked aimlessly, undecided about where to go next.

He laughed. ‘It wasn’t that bad.’

‘Wasn’t bad ?’ I said, mock outraged.

‘The kissing helped,’ he admitted.

‘Oh really?’ I stopped him right there, where the fairground music blasted in our ears and people rushed past us. ‘Where next?’

‘Over here,’ he replied, grabbing my re-mittened hand and pulling me towards one of the millions of stalls.

It was one of those basketball things – throwing them into the hoops and winning prizes.

‘Aw no, I’m so bad at this,’ I said.

‘I’m not,’ he said with a smile, as we queued. ‘I still remember my dad taking me to one of these. He was amazing at this stuff, and I’d come home with like, three of the giant teddy bears and a huge bucket of candyfloss and my mum would go mad because there was nowhere to put them.

‘That’s so funny. My parents never took us to fairs.’ I gazed around at the lights and breathed in the smoke and popcorn. ‘I only ever went with Niall and Meg, and now I’m wondering if they were into each other even then.’ I rolled my eyes.

‘But it’s not like they wouldn’t have wanted you there.’

‘I don’t even know any more.’

Shane put his arm round my shoulder and pulled me close. ‘I want you here.’

‘Thanks,’ I said with a smile, and he kissed my head.

‘Have you ever been to Liverpool?’ I asked, changing the subject, and hoping the hole in my stomach would disappear. The one that always showed up when I thought about Niall and Megan.

‘Never,’ Shane said with a sigh.

‘How come?’

‘Ah, my dad doesn’t like to go back. Too many bad memories.’

‘Football?’

He nodded. ‘Yeah. It hit him really hard, he said. I mean, he’ll talk about it and all, loves talking about it, but I think it’s just easier when he’s in a different country or something. It doesn’t actually make any sense to me.’ Shane shrugged.

‘Does he have a Scouse accent?’ I asked, and Shane nodded. ‘I have to meet this man. It’s only my favourite accent ever. “Look over there, lad,”’ I said in my best Liverpudlian accent, pointing at some kids who were far too young to be smoking behind one of the tents.

Shane burst out laughing. ‘That’s the worst accent I’ve ever heard.’

I gasped. ‘How dare you? I’m going to do it for your dad, see what he thinks. What about your mum? What’s she like?’ I wanted to know everything.

‘Ah, she’s great too. She works really hard. Obsessed with the Pogues.’

I laughed. ‘What?’

‘Yep. On constantly in our house.’ Shane rolled his eyes affectionately.

‘Hold on a minute. Is that why you’re –’

‘Yep,’ he said, cutting in, as we moved up the queue. ‘Named after Shane MacGowan. She even wore black for a week when he died there.’

‘Amazing. Can definitely think of worse people to be named after. I was named after Alexandra the Great.’ I put my hands on my hips and smiled.

He laughed. ‘Yep. That fits.’

I loved making him laugh because you knew he meant it. You couldn’t fake a sound like that.

‘Shane.’

He looked down at me. ‘What’s up?’

‘You can talk to me, you know …’ I left the words hanging in the air, watched as they landed and waited to see what he would do with them.

He smiled easily, tugging my hand gently to start walking again. ‘I know.’

I didn’t move. ‘I just wanted you to know that, in case you thought you couldn’t talk to me or something …’

‘No, I know I can.’ He tried to keep walking again, but again I didn’t move.

And maybe it was the conversation with Mum that made me even more sensitive to the fact that he was keeping secrets, but I’d suddenly had enough. I didn’t have any more patience.

‘So why then? Why won’t you tell me why you keep disappearing?’ I hated that my voice shook and my eyes welled up. I hated it.

‘Lexie, it’s nothing to do with you, I promise.’ He took both my hands and squeezed them, his face serious in the flash of the fairground lights.

‘But I don’t understand. Why can’t you tell me?’

‘Because you wouldn’t understand,’ he said, raising his voice above the screams.

And everything stopped. It felt like I was falling head first into some kind of black hole.

The same place I went when I found out about Megan and Niall.

The same place that swallowed me whole when I found out about Mum.

All these secrets, all these people deciding how I would react and what I would or wouldn’t understand.

I snatched my hands from his grip and wiped them across my face, hard. I stepped back, still watching him. The boy I loved, breaking my heart into pieces.

‘I’m sorry, Lexie. I didn’t mean …’

‘You said you loved me.’ My words were choked.

‘I do.’ He stepped towards me, arms reaching for me. ‘I do love you.’

I shook my head. ‘You don’t. You can’t. If you love someone, you share everything. There are no secrets.’

He pushed his hands through his hair and winced like he was in pain. ‘Lexie, I can’t. You need to just accept that or –’

‘Or what?’ I demanded and immediately wished I hadn’t. But I wasn’t about to let him say it. ‘You know what? I’ll save you the bother. We’re finished.’

I just about got the words out and turned away before bursting into ugly tears, chest heaving, nose running.

‘Lexie, wait.’

But I didn’t wait. I ran back to my car and drove home, my eyes blurred, leaving him in Thunderland with his stupid secrets.