Page 60 of Margot

I blinked at her words.

Sutton didn’t curse.

Sutton barely raised her voice.

I rubbed the back of my neck and sat on the bed.

“Sutton, what do you want from me? Hmm? Let me know what will make you happy. That’s honestly all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.” That was the honest fucking truth too.

I tried mistakenly to hold her hand but she jerked it away from me like I had some kind of disease. It stung somewhere deep and raw. I rolled my lips between my teeth and shut my eyes to absorb the blow.

“I want you to promise me that you will never see Margot again. I know she lives in Baltimore and I know you two probably planned to see each other once we got home so promise me, Lennox…” Her voice broke as tears rolled down her face. Scarlet smudged her cheeks as her breathing grew shallow.

I hated seeing her in so much pain. I wished I could hold all her broken pieces together until she was whole again. Seeing Sutton that way destroyed me.

“Promise me, please. I can’t handle losing you. Give me a chance to fix whatever is wrong with me.” Her voice turned so small. I felt that stupid fucking bleeding organ in my chest pop and deflate.

Why. The. Fuck. Couldn’t. I. Hug. My. Wife.

An angry growl broke free from my chest and I pushed to my feet. Sutton shrank back as if she thought I’d hit her. She brought her hands up to her face and hid behind them.

It made me feel like a monster.

I would never hit her.

I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything mean to her.

I was just pissed because as much as I knew she needed me. As much as I knew she needed a hug…I knew I couldn’t touch her. I knew she would rip my goddamn head off if I did.

“Fine,” I said, hanging my head low. “I’ll never talk to Margot again, okay?”

“Tell her. Text her now, Lennox.” She looked at my phone on the bed then at me.

I grabbed it and typed out the message to Margot. I showed it to Sutton and then I pretended to hit send before putting the phone to sleep. I dropped it on the bed again and Sutton nodded, wiping her eyes.

“I know I’m not a good wife, Lennox. I don’t know when it got this bad but I can feel myself spiraling. I want to fix it. I want to fix us,” she cried. “Just…don’t give up on us, okay? I love you more than anything and I don’t know what I would do without you. It’s scary to even think about.”

I sat down on the bed and Sutton sat beside me. She didn’t reach out to hold my hand but she was close enough for me to smell her vanilla scent. I swallowed back a lump of emotion in my throat and fisted my hands to keep from threading my fingers through her hair and pulling her mouth against mine in a kiss.

I wanted to kiss her full lips so damn bad.

I wanted to tell her that I could never give up on us. Not even with my dying fucking breath. Sutton was my world.

“I won’t give up on us,” I told her. “But you have to commit to going to Dr. Adler. Often.” I couldn’t stress that enough. Sutton nodded quickly in agreement.

It felt like progress, so I took it and I didn’t push.

“Listen, I’m going to go get some groceries for the house and get some air. Please don’t play the fucking piano. Just rest. Promise me?” I stared at her until she nodded. It was reluctant but I knew she wouldn’t lie.

“I’ll call Sarah,” she said with a sniffle.

“Good. That’s perfect. I’ll be right back with some food.” I plucked my phone from the bed and went outside in the snow. I let the cold air settle in my lungs as a much-needed pick me up, then I got in the car.

While it warmed up, I stared at the unsent text on my phone. I had to see if Margot was home too. I had to see if she’d still speak to me. I didn’t get a chance to see her at all the day before we left Honolulu and I didn’t see her the day we actually did leave.

I erased the text I had typed out to her and typed in a new one.

Me: We need to talk soon.