Page 43 of Margot

Lennox always stared at me like I was his entire world. She must have been drop-dead gorgeous for him to admit she was pretty. I don’t know why I was standing out there like I’d be granted x-ray vision or something.

What the hell was I doing?

I went back inside and grabbed a pen and paper. I was going to work on my list of personal flaws. I thought I would end up having two or three things but once I was finished, I realized I had much deeper issues than intimacy.

Sutton’s list of flaws:

Self-centered

Fear of failure

Fear of intimacy

Fear of rejection

Rigid

Cold

Apathetic

Anxious

Passive

Scared

My hand stopped moving on the paper and I looked down at it stunned. My heart raced in my chest. I couldn’t stop reading the words over and over again. How did Lennox live with me?

How didIlive with me?

I couldn’t take my eyes off the last word on the list. It jumped out at me over and over. What was I so scared of? I had the life I always imagined but something gripped me at my core and it seemed to be the biggest block in my mind.

I was terrified of something.

Ofeverything.

I set the pen down and forced myself to stop thinking about why I felt so scared. I needed to be beside Lennox. He always calmed my anxious energy, even if he was sleeping.

I settled next to his warm body and inched toward him. His strong arms locked around my waist instantly and I felt grounded but as usual, I stiffened with fear at his touch.

What the hell?

Why was I doing that? Lennox never gave me a reason to be afraid. If anything, he protected me from myself. He made me feel like it was okay to be who I was. I think in the process though, I forgot to reciprocate the way he made me feel.

Tears burned my eyes as I fought with myself over being paralyzed in my husband’s arms yet wanting his touch more than my next breath.

Something was very wrong.

…

When I woke up the next morning, Lennox was gone. I sat up straight and listened for him. He never woke up before me. I was always up before him. A dull ache thumped through my fingers and I frowned at my splint.

Heal already.

I popped a couple of pain pills and padded into the kitchen. I found Lennox there, eating a bowl of fruit and reading something on his phone. He looked up at me when I came in. “Good morning, beautiful.”

“Good morning, Lennox. How long have you been up?”