Page 91 of Lessons in Chemistry

I pull him into my arms. He angles his body so I can’t feel his erection. My muscles relax. So does he, though his heart is pattering at a furious rate. Mine is too. It’s weird. I understand he’s hard because he’s attracted to me, and on some level, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. But on another, I don’t get it. I’m attracted to him. He’s beautiful, amazing, I trust him more than anyone, and I want to be close to him. I want to hold him in my arms and feel the warmth of his skin. But none of that makes my body react like his does. Having his erection pressing against me felt… meh. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t enjoy it either. If anything, it was an uncomfortable reminder that he wants and desires me in a way I can’t reciprocate.

“Talk to me,” he whispers.

What do I say? I don’t want to make him feel bad about it. It’s a natural reaction for him to have to someone he’s sexually attracted to. Plus, if we’re going to spend the night together, it’s something we’re going to have to navigate. Should I offer to jerk him off? No. I don’t want to do that. I’ve masturbated. I don’t especially enjoy it. It’s not gratifying. It’s something I’ve done on occasion to relieve morning wood. A cool shower tends to work better because it also wakes me up for the day.

“Casey?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I know you are.” He kisses my chest. “It was too much, wasn’t it? The way I was kissing you, me getting hard—”

“The kissing was full on, yeah.”

“I’ll slow down.”

“Thanks. You don’t need to be embarrassed about finding me sexually attractive.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Ugh. I sound like a biology teacher.”

Em laughs. It’s a happy, relaxed sound. Thank god.

I open my eyes. “You don’t have to be embarrassed about getting turned on by being close to me. That wasn’t any better, was it?”

“A bit. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. I’m sure a dick prodding you in the leg is the last thing you want.”

I puff my cheeks out. What do I say?

“It’s okay. I understand.” Em runs the backs of his fingers down my cheek and over my jaw.

“Do you need to relieve yourself?”

He shakes his head. “Is cuddling like this okay?”

I can’t feel his erection, so— “Yes.”

He kisses me on the lips. “And kissing like this is okay?”

“Yes. More than okay. It’s lovely.” The butterflies are back, flitting around like it’s a bright summer’s day and they’re drunk on nectar.

We snuggle closer, more careful about our relative positions than we were before.

“Being skin to skin with you is nice,” I say.

“Like clothed snuggles plus plus?”

I bark out a laugh. “You and newspeak.” We both had to read1984in school. Em loved it. I found it hard going and really, really didn’t like the Room 101 scenes. “But yeah, that’s a good way of describing it.”

I press my ear over his heart. The gentle, rhythmic thud relaxes me. I close my eyes, hold him close, and stroke my thumb back and forth over his side. This, more than our cinema date and more than kissing, makes me feel like we’re boyfriends now, and I couldn’t be happier.

* * *

The alarm on my phone makes an obnoxious noise. Two short beeps, followed by a longer one, over and over until I find it so I can snooze it. I can’t turn it off, because I have to get to swim practice. Besides, I’m awake now. It’s like my brain instantly switches on the moment my alarm goes off. I hardly ever snooze it. Normally, I’d turn it off and go for a piss and a shower. But this isn’t a normal morning. I’m in Em’s bed, and he’s snuggled up against me. He snorts a couple of times, which is the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard, and then blinks his eyes open.

“What time is it?”

“Early.” I kiss his forehead. “I’ve got practice. You should go back to sleep.”

“Ugh.” He turns towards me, his morning wood grazing over my thigh. He pulls back. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. You’re going to have to stop apologising for being hard.”