Page 36 of Lessons in Chemistry

“Weird? Does that mean—? Do you—? Could you—?”

“You might need to finish a sentence if you want me to understand.”

He laughs softly, and his lips curve into a fragile smile. It fades quickly. “Are you jealous?”

I stare at him. Jealousy is what’s making my body ache and my stomach churn. It isn’t the same kind of feeling I get when I lose a swimming race. It’s ten times worse. I don’t want to admit it. What would be the point? It would be childish of me to stand in the way of Em having a boyfriend because… what? I’m afraid of losing my best friend.

Em sniffs and points at the door. “What you saw wasn’t real. Auggie thought—I thought—if I made you jealous, I’d know if you liked me. Then I’d be able to tell you how I feel. But I think all that’s happened is I’ve hurt you.” He clutches my hand. “I’m so, so sorry, Casey.”

“How do you feel?”

“I’m in love with you.”

I blink slowly. The churning ache inside me worsens. “You kissed another guy to tell me you’re in love with me?”

Em raises his arms and then flaps them to his sides. “Yes.”

“That’s—” Without taking my stare off him, I move around him to sit on my bed.

Em turns to face me. “Talk to me.”

“That’s crazy.”

He blinks. “I’m sorry.”

“Why did you think that was a good idea? Why did either of you think it was a good idea?”

He loves me. The date was a set-up to make me jealous. They kissed. It wasn’t fake. It was real. But so is the pain and fear in Em’s voice. So is the desperation in his eyes.

I stare at the carpet and rub my chest. Em loves me. He kissed another guy to tell me he loves me. Am I meant to be flattered? Am I meant to want to fall into his arms? Am I meant to be angry or upset? The only thing I can be sure of is that I’m jealous, and that makes me so confused it hurts. It rattles around in my head like a ping-pong ball, sits heavily in my stomach, and gnaws on my bones.

“Casey, please say something.”

Despite the desperation in Em’s voice, I can’t. I can’t speak. What would I say? I want to put him out of his misery and tell him it’s okay, but I can’t because I’m not sure it is.

The front door closes. I snap my head up.

“That’ll be Auggie leaving,” Em says. “He said he would once he’d washed up and got his things together so we could talk.”

“He cooks and washes up?”

Em chuckles. “Yeah.”

I sag my shoulders. “He’s probably a keeper.”

Em reaches out to me but doesn’t touch me.

I stand with a heavy sigh. “I need to clear my head. I’m going to go for a walk.” I’d rather swim, but the pool will be closed.

“Casey.”

It’s weird. I want to snuggle up to him like I always do when I get home from swimming, but I also want to get far away from him. This is a mess, and I have no clue how to clear it up.

I snatch up my headphones and walk past him. He grips my hand. I could pull away from him. I’m stronger than he is, but I don’t have the heart to. So I stay still, letting him clutch my hand like he’s trying to save me from falling off a cliff. Or maybe he’s the one trying not to fall.

“I’m in love with you. I have been for a while. But you’d never shown any interest in guys, so I figured you were straight.” He squeezes my hand. “I should have talked to you like an adult, not played games. I’m sorry.”

I adjust my hand in his grip so I can interlock my fingers with his and then apply pressure. “We’ll talk later.”