Page 38 of Lessons in Chemistry

I stare at the moon. Wispy clouds drift across it, black against the moon’s pale surface. I chew the inside of my cheek as I contemplate his question. To his credit, he’s quiet, not pushing me to give him an answer. Even though I’m wearing a coat and jumper, the cold seeps into my bones, and I shiver.

“Maybe we should go back to your flat,” Auggie says.

I shake my head. “You go if you want.”

“We’re talking.”

I half smile. “Sort of.”

“Are you angry with me?”

I glance at him.

“For kissing Emory.”

I clasp my hands and stare at them. “He told me it was fake. A set-up to make me jealous. But that kiss didn’t look fake. You like him. He likes you. I think you’re the ones who should be talking.”

“He’s in love with you, Casey.”

“Would you like me to tell him I don’t have any feelings for him? It would leave the door open for you.”

“Is that true?”

My heart aches. “Em loves watching American high school movies. There are a few with crazy love triangles. I bet he never imagined himself in the middle of one.”

“Is that what this is? A love triangle?”

“I don’t know. I guess. Sort of. Maybe it’s more of a love right angle.” I rub my thumb against the fleshy part of my other hand and stare at the moon again. It’s easier than meeting Auggie’s questioning gaze. “I don’t think about having sex. Not with women. Not with men. No one. I hadn’t even thought about dating anyone until earlier today when you asked me if I wanted to date Em.”

“Never?”

“No. I told myself it was because I was hyper-focused on swimming and school, but now I’m wondering if I’m not built to fancy people. I’ve never even had a crush on a musician, actor, or sportsperson. I’ve never even thought about kissing someone. So to answer your question, I don’t know if I’m straight, gay, or bi because I’ve never desired anyone. I’m not sure I’d even recognise it if I did.”

Auggie squeezes my shoulder. It’s a surprisingly comforting gesture.

I run my fingers through my hair. “I have no idea why I’m telling you any of this. I’ve never even told Em, and I tell him everything. Almost everything.”

“Maybe it’s easier because you don’t know me.”

“That’s true. You’re the guy who kissed my best friend. The guy he fancies.”

“Does that make you jealous?”

“Yes.”

“Which probably means that you do have feelings for Emory, even though you haven’t realised it.”

“Is that possible?”

“I think so. I want to fuck every guy I find attractive, so I’m probably not the best person to ask. But you and Emory are close. I imagine it would be easy not to realise your emotions had shifted from friendship to something deeper, especially if it happened over time and if you think that romantic and sexual attraction go hand in hand.”

My chin trembles. “That’s how it works in the films Em likes to watch. It’s how it works in TV shows and books. They fall in love, have sex, and live happily ever after.” My voice is laced with bitterness, which surprises me.

“Talking isn’t helping, is it?”

“No. It is. I’m so confused.” I rub my hands over my face and then rest them on my opposite shoulders, dislodging Auggie’s hand as I hug myself. “I thought I knew where I stood with Em, but now everything is a mess.”

“I’m sorry.”