Page 73 of Lessons in Chemistry

Em gapes. “Seriously?”

“Yes. I could think about it for a week, a month, or a year, but I doubt it would help. The only way we’ll know if we can make it work is if we try it.”

“A vee relationship?” Auggie asks. “You and Emory and me and Emory?”

I take a deep breath. “Yes, but I want to get to know you better, so maybe we could all hang out as well?”

Auggie smiles. “I’d like that.”

My stomach flutters. “We’re going to try this?”

Em and Auggie hold each other’s hands and grasp mine.

Em grins from ear to ear. “Yes, we are.”

“We should discuss ground rules so we’re all on the same page about how this is going to work and what we’re comfortable with,” Auggie says.

“I’d have no clue where to start,” I say.

“I think you should lead on this, Auggie. You’re the one who’s done the research,” Em says.

“Okay. Casey, you said you want to hang out together, but would you prefer Emory and me to only act like a couple when we’re not around you?”

I rest my chin on my hand. “Do you mean holding hands and kissing or sex?”

Auggie shrugs. “Any of the above.”

“If you’re together, you’re together. I wouldn’t expect you to hide that from me. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“What about sex?” Auggie asks.

“We haven’t done anything more than kiss,” Em says, cheeks going red.

“But you will, which is wonderful for you, but I don’t want to watch you guys have sex.”

“Fair,” Auggie says.

“I, er, watched some porn this week.”

Em’s eyes practically bug out of his head.

“I, er, thought it might help me figure myself out.”

“Did it?” Auggie asks.

“Kinda. It didn’t turn me on. I wasn’t repulsed either, but it did make me feel uncomfortable like I was watching something I shouldn’t. And yes, I know it’s made for people to watch. I don’t think that reaction makes me sex-averse, but it definitely doesn’t make me sex-positive either. I think sex-meh is a better descriptor. Yeah. I’m sex-meh.” It might not mean anything to anyone else, but it means something to me and feels right.

Auggie chuckles. “Sex-meh. I like that term.”

“Did you watch het porn or gay porn?” Em asks.

“Both. I had a mild preference for gay porn in that the guys were more objectively attractive. But I didn’t want to masturbate while I was watching. It did nothing for me. I can’t believe I said all that out loud.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We’ve all watched porn,” Auggie says.

“And yet I am.”

Em stands and wraps his arms around me from behind. I rest my head against his and hug his arm to my chest.