Page 35 of Lessons in Chemistry

9

CASEY

A calming melody does its best to soothe my thrashing thoughts. Em and Auggie were on a date. Of course they were going to end up kissing. What did I expect to walk in on? It shouldn’t bother me that they were kissing, but an ugly sensation is snaking through my gut. Am I jealous?

What was that? I lower my headphones. Did I imagine the soft, tentative sound? Nope. Someone is knocking on my door. I can’t ignore it, but I can’t deny I want to. I closed my door for a reason.

I pause my music but leave my headphones on and go to open my door. Em is standing on the other side, shoulders hunched, chin low, jaw clenched.

I suck in a breath. “Did Auggie do something?” I make for the door, but Em puts his hands on my chest, stopping me.

“No.” He lifts his face. “I did.”

I frown.

“Can we talk?”

I get out of his way so he can come in. He shuts the door. I lean against my chair, hands clasping the back of it like it’s a comfort blanket.

“What you saw—”

I look away.

Em steps towards me.

Tension floods through my body, making my already aching muscles sore. “We discussed this. You’re allowed to have boyfriends over and everything that involves.”

“I know what you said. But how do you feel about it? Really?”

“How did I feel about seeing you kiss Auggie? Is that what you’re asking?”

“Yes.”

I clutch the chair harder. I have no reason to be jealous. Earlier, when Auggie asked me if I wanted to date Em, I didn’t know what to say. Then Auggie was distracted by his phone, which gave me time to imagine what it might be like to go on a date with Em, but my thoughts stuttered when it came to the things that are supposed to happen after a date. Ending up in bed. Sex. I didn’t want it. Couldn’t envision myself having it. So I changed the subject.

It’s tempting to do the same again now, except that wouldn’t be fair on Em.

“Casey. Talk to me.” He moves to stand in front of me, almost in my personal space, but not quite. His eyes are large and full of fear. His glasses are askew, probably from kissing Auggie.

“You like him.”

“You’re not answering my question.”

I sigh. “What do you want me to say, Em?”

“I want you to tell me how you feel. About the kiss. About me.”

Do I want to voice any of the thoughts tumbling through my head? It feels like I’m losing my best friend, which is nuts. It was one kiss. Yet it felt like the end of the world. I’m jealous. I can’t think of another explanation. But do I have a right to be?

“Say something,” Em whispers.

God, he sounds miserable, but why? He’s just had his first kiss. I might not have any experience with kissing, but if the way he was whimpering is anything to go by, he was into it. They both were. He should be happy, yet he’s on the verge of tears.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” It’s a lame response, but it’s the only one I have.

“I just told you. Tell me how you feel—”

“About you and the kiss,” I finish for him. I shrug. “Seeing you and Auggie kissing was weird. But that’s my problem, not yours.”