Page 39 of Lessons in Chemistry

“He’s hurting. I’m—I don’t know. It does hurt, like a punch to the gut. Like he’s betrayed me in some way, even though I had no claim on him. At the same time, it feels like I should stand aside and let you guys hook up because it’s obvious you want to.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask.”

“When you saw us kissing, did you find it hot?”

I think about it for a few seconds before slowly shaking my head. “It was a kiss. I could see you were both enjoying it, but it didn’t get me hot under the collar or anything. I was embarrassed to have walked in on an intimate moment. And yeah, I was jealous. Should I have found it hot? Should watching two guys make out have turned me on?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Would it have turned you on?”

“Yeah, probably, but I’m not you.”

I wrap my arms around myself tighter and bow my head. “I need a hug.” I look towards my flat. Not that it’s visible from here. Will Em give me a hug when I go home, or will he tell me to fuck off for walking out on him?

“I can hug you. If you want.”

I have no idea why I nod, but I do. Auggie wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls my head against his chest. I’ve sat like this with Em dozens of times. Possibly hundreds of times. I felt safe with him, and I feel safe now too, which makes no sense, as I barely know Auggie. Not to mention he’s partly responsible for the mess in my head. It’s yet another thing to find a seat for on the confusion train.

“Have you considered that you might be somewhere on the ace spectrum?” Auggie asks.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“There’s asexual, ace, and aromantic, aro. Broadly speaking, if you’re ace, you’re not fussed about sex and don’t look at people and think about fucking them. If you’re aro, you don’t feel much or any romantic attraction for people. But the amount of sexual or romantic attraction you feel varies from person to person, hence defining it as a spectrum. And they don’t go hand in hand. Someone who is ace might also be aro but might equally be romantic or anything in between. Does that make sense?”

I nod against Auggie’s chest. I should sit up, but his arm is helping to keep me warm, and his embrace is comforting.

“Not experiencing sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily mean never ever having sex. Some ace people do. Some don’t. Some are totally sex-averse, others are sex-positive, and others fall in between.”

He pauses, probably to let me digest what he’s told me so far.

“People who define themselves as grey-ace experience sexual attraction sometimes but not often. Whereas demisexuals only experience sexual attraction to someone they’ve already formed a strong emotional relationship with. That’s not to say they’re sexually attracted to everyone they’ve formed a strong emotional relationship with any more than I what to jump into bed with every man I meet. Just the cute ones. Does any of that resonate with you?”

I sit upright, breaking his embrace. “I’m not sure. Maybe. Probably. I don’t know if I’d be able to decide where I fit or if I fit at all.”

“You don’t have to decide right this second. Or tomorrow or a week from now. At some point, when you understand yourself better, you’ll know where you fit.”

I rub my hand. “I hope so. I’ve known Em for over half my life. I love spending time with him. I can’t imagine my life without him. I feel safe when I’m with him. Seeing the two of you hurt in a way I can’t describe.”

“I’m sorry.”

I wave my hand. “I get why you did what you did.”

“Neither of us meant for you to get so confused.”

“I was already confused. The kiss brought my emotions to a head, that’s all. Earlier, when you asked me if I wanted to date Em, I was able to imagine myself doing all that romantic stuff, but my thoughts went blank when it got to the sex part. I didn’t know what it meant.”

“I think you should look into asexuality for yourself. Don’t treat my take on it as gospel. Read up on it. Check out some forums. Read about other people’s experiences.”

“I will, but what if I do all that and realise my feelings aren’t because I’m ace but because I don’t like him that way at all?”

“I think you do.”

“How can you be so sure when I don’t know myself?”

“Because I’m the one standing on the outside looking in. Besides, you get heart eyes every time you say his name.”