Page 63 of Lessons in Chemistry

“I don’t think swimming costumes count as half-naked.”

“Uh, yes, it does. Especially the guys. Those Speedos are tight.” I’m going to get hard just thinking about it if I’m not careful.

“Oh, so that’s why you like going to my competitions? To ogle all the guys?”

“Not all the guys. Just you.”

Casey’s cheeks become pink. Unlike me, he practically never blushes. His expression becomes distant, his eyes unfocused. “I’ve never fancied any of them. I don’t get sexy thoughts.”

My eyes widen before I can do a damn thing to stop the reaction.

“I think about how great people are to talk to and whether or not I feel safe and happy around them. I think about how much time I want to spend with them, but I don’t look at someone and think they look hot or sexy. I don’t imagine myself doing anything with them. Until you told me you loved me, I’d never had to ask myself why that was. Then suddenly, I did, and I didn’t have any answers.”

I put my hand on his shoulder. “Do you have any answers now?”

“I’m getting there. I’m not quite ready to label myself, but that’s a fear thing. If I put myself in a box now, will I be stuck in it forever, even if it doesn’t feel right anymore?”

“You don’t have to give yourself a label if you don’t want to. Even if you do, if you feel things have changed down the road, you can give yourself a new label.”

“I remember you figuring out if you were bi rather than gay.”

I laugh. “No amount of staring at magazines of sexy women turned me on.”

He takes a deep breath. “That’s how I feel. But with everyone.”

I move my hand from his shoulder to stroke his back. He’s asexual. Whether he wants to say it out loud or not, he’s ace. How could I not have realised that? Probably because I assumed his lack of interest in the guys I drooled over was because he was straight, not because he didn’t have sexy thoughts at all.

“But I do have romantic thoughts. At least, I think I do. When you cupped my cheek the other day, my stomach got all fluttery. I can imagine going on dates with you.”

My throat is prickly. “What does that mean?”

“I think I might be in love with you too.”

I widen my eyes and squeak.

He kneads his left hand below his thumb. “But I don’t think I can make you happy. Which is why I lied and told you I wasn’t interested. I’m sorry.”

I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head as I process what he’s saying. I open my eyes. “Hold up. Why don’t you think you can make me happy?”

“Because you want a sexual relationship with someone, and I don’t.”

“At all?”

“I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think so. I’m not interested in sex. It’s not you. You’re wonderful and sweet and amazing, and I adore you with all my heart. But the sexiest man alive could walk through the door naked, and I don’t think I’d bat an eyelid.”

“Whereas I’d be drooling and have a raging hard-on,” I mutter.

Casey chuckles. “Exactly. It’s not that I don’t want a close connection with someone either. I do. I crave it. I love snuggling with you. I’m never happier than when we’re close. But I know it sometimes turns you on—”

I cover my burning face with my hands. “You know about that?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, god.” I bend over double and take deep breaths.

Casey puts his hand on my thigh. “It’s fine, Em. It’s sweet. Honestly, I should have realised you had feelings for me. I should have realised I have feelings for you, but I didn’t understand that sex and love don’t have to go hand in hand. At least, not for everyone. But for a lot of people, they do.”

“You don’t think I can be happy having a sex-free relationship?” Why am I asking him? It’s not for Casey to decide. Only I can do that.