Page 37 of Lessons in Chemistry

“Why not now?”

“I told you. I need to clear my head. Just give me some space, Em. Please?”

He nods and lets go, then cups my cheek and jaw. I freeze. My heart hammers. He presses his mouth to mine in a short peck. A kaleidoscope of butterflies erupts in my stomach. My lips tingle.

His cheeks blaze red. He drops his hand and steps away. “I’m sorry. I’ll be in my room.” He flings my door open and bolts.

I lift my arm, fingers stretched in the direction he’s gone. I can’t find my voice to call him back. I touch my fingers to my lips. Em kissed me. A whirlpool of emotions I can’t name or catch hold of swirls inside me. I need air.

I put my coat and headphones on and head out of my room. Em has left his door open. I don’t glance inside, even though I feel like a jerk for leaving him alone when he’s upset. I want to hug him, but I also need space. We need space.

I’m not going anywhere, just walking. I turn my music on, stuff my hands in my pockets, and put one foot in front of the other. The days are getting shorter and colder. I’m getting up in the dark and, on swimming evenings, coming home in the dark. It would be miserable, except I know I’m coming home to Em. His door will be open, and he’ll let me snuggle up to him and complain about being tired. This whole mess is my fault. I must have been giving out mixed signals all over the place. Not that I meant to. I feel so safe with Em, and I crave being close with him.

“Casey.”

I stop and turn around towards the direction of Auggie’s voice. He’s walking towards me. He must have been waiting at the bus stop I walked past. I didn’t even notice him. I was too focused on walking. I do have tunnel vision sometimes.

He stops a foot away from me and points towards my flat. “Shouldn’t you be inside talking to Emory? Or kissing him.”

I take my headphones off and loop them around my neck. What should I say to Auggie? I could yell at him for playing games, not with me but with Em. I could explain why I’m out here and not inside with Em. Or I could walk away.

“Do you like Em at all?”

He blinks. “Yes. But it’s irrelevant. He likes you. He did tell you he likes you, didn’t he?”

I nod and look past him as a bus approaches the stop. “You should catch that.”

He glances over his shoulder. “Nah, it’s fine. I can catch a later bus or call a taxi. Did you tell him you like him back?”

I jerk my head back.

Auggie steps closer. “You do like him, don’t you?”

I look away. “I don’t know.”

He frowns. “How can you not know?”

I shrug.

“Is it because you’re not sure you’re into guys? I get it. Figuring out your sexuality can be confusing.”

He’s going to let me walk away without answering at least some of his questions. Not that I want to in the middle of the street. It’s late, and it’s quiet, but I still don’t want to have this conversation where strangers could potentially overhear us. I sigh and glance around. We’re across the road from a skate park.

I gesture to it. “Do you want to go over there and talk?”

He nods and follows me across the road. The skatepark is deserted. The crisp moonlight highlights white graffiti, which has been spray-painted over almost every ramp and pipe. We sit on the top of a quarter pipe.

“Em tried to learn how to skateboard once.” I run my finger over the rough concrete.

“How did that go?”

“Badly. He came off and sprained his wrist.” I loop my arms over my knees.

“Did he try again?”

“No. He decided it wasn’t for him. His kid brother and sister use the skateboard now.” Why am I telling Auggie this? Probably to avoid talking about my confusing feelings for Em.

“That’s cute. Are you into guys? Because if you’re not, you should probably put Emory out of his misery.”