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CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR

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At the beginning of the season, people were worried about the exodus of sponsors from Paragon Racing. However, anyone worried now needs to check the data. With new lines of merchandise, collaborations, and Vanessa Lennon appearing in gorgeous ads for various sponsors, it’s clear Paragon’s initial loss has turned into a fruitful partnership for all parties.

I blinked away the fake snow blowing in my eyes. Why I was in a formal gown on a set that was dripping with fake snow and icicles was beyond me, but here I was. LORE needed the shoot, and I had to do it.

Posing for pictures never felt natural, but right now it felt impossible. There was nothing for me to cling to. River had been right, and I was coming back. I was letting the world in.

Letting the world in didn’t change that coming back felt like dragging myself over a barren, cratered wasteland. Still, River’s words had reached something deep, and I felt better. Not good, but better.

However, at the moment, I wasn’t sure better was good enough. The frown on the photographer’s face told me what he thought, and it wasn’t good. “Can we cut the snow, please?”

The photographer approached, climbing on the fake mountain. “You okay?”

I smiled. “Of course.” This wasn’t a photographer I’d worked with before. When I’d arrived he’d introduced himself as Lorenzo.

He shook his head once and turned the camera toward me. I looked at the last photo he’d taken and recoiled. The woman on that little screen looked dead. No life in her eyes. I might as well be a mannequin.

Was that what River had seen? All of them?

No wonder they were worried.

Granted, it was how I felt. Still, seeing it like that was… jarring.

“I know who you are, Vanessa,” Lorenzo said. “I’m not a monster. I know what happened recently, and I’m sorry for your loss.”

I looked away, wanting to avoid the pity and the sympathy. On the one hand, I appreciated it. People were genuinely concerned and kind. On the other hand, it was such a fucking constant that it made it worse. All anyone did now was say they were sorry. How long would that last? And how much would it lengthen my own grieving when I was reminded of it every second? I couldn’t even check my own socials right now.

“Thank you,” I finally said.

“We can reschedule this if you need to. I’d rather not reschedule, but I’d also rather cut it off here and find another day than continue like this. It won’t help either one of us.”

Fuck. He was right. I needed to get it together. Let the world in a little. Take a step back toward myself. Something else River said rattled around in my brain. Please don’t lose yourself to it. He wouldn’t want you to.

If Grandpa was here right now, he would—lovingly—smack the back of my head and tell me to get my head out of my ass. I could practically hear what he would say.

Don’t you dare use me as an excuse, Vanessa. You know better than that.

I swallowed. “No,” I said. “Let’s not reschedule. But if I could have a moment?”

“Of course.”

He helped me down off the fake mountain so I didn’t fall in the heels they had me in. I would never wear these. High heels and I got along just fine and these would still have me breaking an ankle.

The dressing room was off one of the hallways, but I didn’t make it there. An arm snaked around my waist and pulled me close. “Going somewhere?”

Huckleberry whirled around the two of us. Elias spun me back against the wall, and I braced my leg on it with that fucking high heel. The shoes weren’t enough to make me taller than him, but we were closer, and I draped my arms around his shoulders.

“Thought I’d come see how it’s going.”

“If LORE is going for the ‘corpse’ look, then it’s going great.”

Elias frowned. “Corpse? Looks like they have you bronzed for a beach.”

I winced. “Not the skin color. Just… me. I look dead.”

“Hmm,” he hummed the sound, squeezing my hips with his hands. “Do you need me to get the cucumbers and eggplants again? Because there’s a grocery store down the street and it would only take a few minutes.”

Smiling, I dropped my head. I was so fucking grateful that they didn’t coddle me. Comfort was more than just being sorry something happened. “I think the vegetables would be out of place on a set that’s literally a glacier .”

“What do you mean? They don’t have vegetables in the arctic? How do the penguins eat?” Every bit of his face said he was joking, and that little bit of silliness helped. Like a sliver of sunlight breaking through clouds.

“Any chance I can kiss you without ruining your lipstick?”

“If you’re careful.”

Soft and quick. I wanted more. Which made me take a breath. Wanting them was as natural as breathing. Over the last couple of weeks, all I’d wanted was to be held. So the spark of blooming arousal was accompanied by profound relief. I could still feel .

“You look incredible,” Elias said.

“Thank you.” The dress I wore was long and sparkly, in an icy blue that met in the middle between the icy set and the color of my eyes. It was a stunning dress, though not something I would normally choose.

“Vanessa?” Lorenzo was nearby.

“Coming.”

“Wait, don’t move.” He came to us. “I apologize for this. I will delete the photo if you want me to. Look at it first.”

This time when he turned the camera, it was Elias and me. My foot braced on the wall, arms draped over his shoulders. Head tilted down and a soft, peaceful smile on my face. The image wasn’t loud, but it was fully alive.

“That’s a good picture,” Elias said with a laugh. “Be nice if that were the kind of shot that got leaked once in a while.”

Lorenzo tilted his head and looked at me. “How do you feel about changing things up?”

An hour later I was in a different dress, and everyone but Grayson was here. Since we were traveling in a couple of days, he was the only one with things that couldn’t be moved around. Lorenzo liked the picture so much he changed things up on the spot. Now the theme was ‘behind the scenes.’ Off the edge of the set, the lights spilling over like I was about to go on stage at some kind of award show and was stealing a moment with one of my guys.

The longest part of the process was confirming River could participate without violating his own sponsorships. The answer was no, but there were a couple of shots that wouldn’t show the guys’ faces, and he gleefully claimed those.

Like now, when we walked down a hallway hand in hand away from Lorenzo, the train of my fiery dress dragging behind me.

“If I’d known this was an option I would have structured my contracts differently,” River said, squeezing my hand. “I’ll be doing that next time. Cause like hell are you doing lingerie shoots with anyone but us.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Who says I’ll be doing lingerie shoots?”

He scoffed. “Have you seen your body? I’m shocked there haven’t been any offers.”

There had been. Oliver kept telling me about them, but I hadn’t found time to review them. They were willing to wait for me so I was taking my time. I smirked, and he caught it. “Nessa.”

“What?”

“You’ve had offers?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

He took our joined hands and spun me under his arm and into him, dipping me back all the way and kissing me. For a moment I forgot that we were supposed to be taking photographs and let myself dissolve into the kiss.

“Stay there,” Lorenzo called, voice mingling with the echo of running footsteps. “I want a silhouette shot.”

River’s lips curved against mine, but neither of us moved. Why would we stop kissing when he asked so nicely?

In the background, the sounds of the camera clicking reached us. Finally, when he pulled me back to standing, I was lightheaded.

“That was great. A couple more, and we’ll be done.”

River squeezed my hand, winking before I took my place with Beck in front of a big red curtain the rest of the crew had hastily put together.

“How are you, love?”

“Better.”

Beck stared into my eyes, studying me in that way he had. It stripped everything away. He kissed my forehead, lingering while the camera clicked. “I’m glad.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been…”

His hand slipped up to the side of my neck, thumb lifting my chin. “Grieving? In pain? Dealing with the loss of someone important to you?” I wished we weren’t on camera, because that look in his eyes told me he wanted to put his full weight on me and make sure I couldn’t run from his questions. Being pinned down—for any reason—didn’t sound like a bad thing right now. I missed that. I missed them .

“Of course you have,” he murmured. “Don’t apologize for it. I asked you that morning what you needed, if you could tell me, and now I’m asking again. What do you need? Even if what you need is for me to not ask. To take control of things.” His grip on me tightened, and I did not give a single shit what the photos needed. I couldn’t look away from him. “You are mine. You are ours. That’s not conditional. I know you know, but I’m going to say it anyway. You’re ours for a lifetime. So whatever you need to get you through this, that’s what we’ll do. Because it won’t always be this way. And we’ll have stuff happen too.

“Tell me what you need, love.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder, my face toward the camera, and closed my eyes. “I don’t know,” I whispered. “I wish I did. The only thing I know is I need normal. I’m not going to get it from everyone else, so I need it from you guys.”

Beck’s purr started softly. “Normal, huh?” He chuckled. “Teasing you, touching you, and fucking you at every available opportunity?”

“That sounds nice.”

“We can do normal,” he whispered. “On one condition.”

“What’s that?” I straightened and we moved into a different pose next to the curtain, his lips on my neck.

“If you need something other than normal, come to me. You can come to any of us, obviously, but I don’t want to put all the responsibility on you. Talking about this shit is hard. If you come to me,” he smirked. “I’ll pry it out of you one way or another.”

“Deal.”

“Of course…” I raised my eyebrows in question. “Once we’re bonded, we’ll all be able to feel you.”

My breath caught. “Is that likely to happen soon?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Beck laughed at my glare. “No matter if it is, feeling you only goes so far. It will help. But I’ll still need that promise.”

“You have it.”

His eyes warmed. “Good.” Then he looked at Lorenzo. “You get what you need?”

“We did. Thank you. The ones we can’t use we’ll send over to you.” Lorenzo glanced at where Elias stood, farther away. “You can leak them.”

Elias’s laughter rang through the studio. It was infectious, and I couldn’t help but smile. Normal. I could try for that, and go from there.