Page 62

CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE

_____________

Geoff Askew: Unfortunately, I must share some news. Formula 1 racing legend Vance Lennon has died. He was here, present at the Monaque Grand Prix, to watch his granddaughter race. By all accounts he passed in his sleep, and without pain.

Charlie Amor: There will be a brief tribute to him before the race. Vance Lennon contributed so much to racing over the years, and he will be sorely missed.

Geoff: Our thoughts are with Vanessa Lennon today, and anyone else who was touched by Mr. Lennon’s life or career.

Dark clouds greeted me when I opened my eyes. The kind that looked like incoming storms and rain. I huffed a laugh. Rain for this race? Might as well ask the universe for someone to crash.

At the very least the weather matched my mood and the heaviness in my chest.

An arm wrapped around my middle, holding me. Soft cedar surrounded me as lips warmed my neck. “Morning, love.”

“What time is it?”

“Barely seven.”

Slowly, I turned over and found all of them here. Grayson stood near the door, already dressed in a fresh uniform. The others sprawled on the bed with me. I vaguely remembered them coming in before I passed out, exhausted from emotion and crying.

A hand curled around my ankle. River. “You okay?”

“No,” I said. “But when has that ever mattered on race day?”

This would be a thing I pushed to the side, just like everything else. Elias touched my hand, and the understanding I found on his face nearly broke me. Not even two weeks ago he’d told me he wanted his family to be mine so I would feel less alone.

Now…

I couldn’t think it, let alone say it.

“Let’s get ready,” Beck said and pressed another kiss to my shoulder. “Maybe we’ll have time to stop by before we go to the track.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Okay.”

Felt a little strange to be getting ready for a race in my bedroom and not a hotel, but I couldn’t say I hated it. The skin under my eyes looked bruised and dark from all the crying. Not much to do about that.

River leaned against the wall outside my closet in his Xelerate gear. We changed into our racing suits at the track. I went straight to him, letting him envelop me with his arms. “Hey, baby,” he whispered.

“Hey.”

There was nothing else to say. Grayson still stood near the door, like he had been the whole time. Later, when I wasn’t as dazed, I would thank him. His steady presence was something that helped.

“I think I’m ready.” To get to the track at least and see him. Try to forget about the shit news and just drive. It was what I needed. The one place I could center everything was a race car.

Gray’s phone rang, the trill sound loud in the silence. He usually kept it quiet, but this was Monaque. Important things happened pretty much every second. “De Clare,” he answered.

His eyes snapped to mine, and I stopped in my tracks. Grayson’s jaw clenched, and sadness filled his eyes. “No.”

My legs went numb.

River caught me before I hit the ground.

No no no. It wasn’t real. He was fine. He was still here with us. Grayson was sad about something else. It was a phone call about something else.

Anything else.

“Nessa, look at me. I need you to look at me, baby.”

River had my face in his hands. I was gasping for air like I’d been drowning and I couldn’t look away from Grayson as he ended the phone call.

“It’s not real, right?” I begged. “Tell me it’s not real.”

He shook his head, crossing the space between us in a blink. Hauled me against his chest and held me there. “I’m so sorry.”

“ No .”

The wail that came out of me?—

Grief crashed through my mind and body in a wave. He was gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Gone.

I’d never see his smile or hear his laugh. Never get his advice or hear his stories ever again.

There was a hole in my chest. There had to be. Nothing else could hurt this badly. How did you pick yourself up and move on from this? How had grandpa done it when…

The realization punctured me like a bullet.

“They’re gone,” my voice broke on the whisper. “My whole family’s dead.”

Silence spread like a black wave through the room.

“I’m alone.”

Gray held me tighter against his chest. “You’re never alone, little one. We’re with you. We have you. Whatever you need.”

I knew, and yet it didn’t feel that way through the monstrous cascade of grief pouring down on my head.

Grandpa was gone.

Had he known?

“Gray, did he know? Did he know he was going to leave me?” I hiccuped into his shirt, my words hysterical. “Did he know it was going to be the last time?”

Fingers gripped my hair and cradled the back of my head. “No,” he whispered. “No, little one. We had planned to meet today. He didn’t plan on leaving you, I swear it.”

I broke into sobs I couldn’t control and melted into someone’s arms. There was no way to tell who. They were here with me and Grandpa was right. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t survive this.

The last sob fell from me into echoing silence, like a tap being turned off. My breath shuddered, but numbness spread like a plague through my chest. If I was going to make it through today, the last thing I could do was feel .

Beck helped me off the bed. How we’d ended up there, I had no idea. There were signs of his own tears as he lifted my chin. “I know this may not be possible.” His voice was low and even. “If it’s not, that’s fine. I know better than to suggest you step away from this race. It’s not who you are. So if you can, tell me what you need when we get there. What do you need to get through this?”

“You’ll be with me?”

He brushed my hair back off my face. “I’ll be in your ear the whole time.”

What did I need?

I needed him back.

I needed Grandpa back .

My chest threatened to crumple, and I pulled everything back inside. Locked it up tight in the box that left me blank. “I need no one to talk to me,” I whispered. “Except the four of you. I don’t need everyone telling me they’re sorry. I don’t need the looks of pity.”

“Done.”

Gray slipped a hand behind my neck and turned me toward him. “They want to do a tribute,” he said quietly. “Before the race. It won’t take long. Helmet.”

I closed my eyes and let the pain ebb and flow. My grandfather meant a lot to more than just me. Everyone here would feel the loss. The least I could do was let them honor him. “All right.”

He kissed my forehead hard and fast. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

It didn’t feel that way.

They tried their best to keep me separated from everyone, but I still felt the eyes on me. The pity and the wonder. The sadness. It hovered at the edges the same way my own grief did. Ready to come surging in the moment there was a crack large enough.

Annika said nothing. All she did was take my hand and hold it. For as long as I needed.

As long as I could stay numb, I could do this. I could do this.

Every driver—even Lars—walked to the pedestal with the helmet on it. How they’d found a helmet with the colors of my grandfather’s last team—green and gold—I didn’t know. His number forty-seven was emblazoned on the side.

Somewhere over the speakers, a voice was speaking about him and what he’d done. Who he was. Before silence swept through the racetrack, taking my breath with it.

Pain surged, and I closed my eyes against the tears. This moment of silence was a gift to quiet my mind. It was a gift from him. I focused on the scent I’d been wrapped in last night. The sharp, almost too much scent of grapefruit.

At least we’re both fruit , he always said to me. But yours is more fun. Mine’s the one people use when they’re trying to fix something that’s wrong with them and think it’s time to change a habit. At least with yours you can make a cake. Candy. Hell, yours is better in every way.

I’d argue back that it wasn’t, but he insisted.

The memory pushed back the balloon of emotion swelling in my chest, and I looked up as the moment of silence ended.

And above us, it began to rain.