Page 74 of Into These Eyes

I know he’s watching me, but I can’t find it in myself to look back. I understand all too well what my words must mean to him. I know what they meant to Jamie, and they both loved Matilda.

“Fuck,” I hear him mumble, then sniff, and I know that if I look at him, I’ll lose it. As he tries to get control of himself, I remain stuck in tough-guy, closed-off mode.

“Anika told me,” he begins in a voice heavy with emotion, “it’s not too late to start a relationship with her. Better late than never , she said. I agree. But I’d love to know what your thoughts are on that.”

I’m not ready. I don’t know if I ever will be, so I deflect. “Yeah, she’s right. For thirty odd years I didn’t have a sister. Now I’ve got one for the rest of my life.”

He doesn’t pressure me, and I don’t glance at him to see if he’s disappointed in my answer. Looking might mean I care.

When the silence descends again, I realise he’s initiated every conversation. Maybe that’s for the best. I’m not sure what horror show might come out of my mouth if I go first.

“Can’t take your eyes off her, can you, Son?”

I tense at his use of that word. He has no right to use it when addressing me. Grinding my teeth, I hold back the anger pushing its way up my throat. “Nope.”

“It’s obvious you love her.”

“Yeah, I love her. I love her so much it fucking hurts.” Jesus, of all people, why am I telling him?

“Then you understand?”

The hairs on my scalp prickle. Fuck . He has me there. If something happened to Jamie, I’d lose my mind.

“But you stayed with Mum.” I curse myself the moment the words are out of my mouth. In a way, that statement feels like I’m giving him the respect Jamie’s mother gave him. And I really don’t want to.

“Obligation overrode love. My heart still aches for every moment I wasn’t with Matilda.

But I’ll never regret being there for your mother.

I’ll never regret being your father, Gavin.

I can’t imagine a life where I wasn’t there for every moment of your childhood.

Of course, I always thought I’d eventually be with Mattie, that it was just a matter of time.

But that time was stolen. And I ended up losing you both. ”

We’re silent again. He’s waiting for a response, but I simply don’t have one. Yes, his time with the woman he loved was stolen, but the time he could have spent being my father wasn’t. He threw that away.

“I’m so glad you’re able to love deeply … after what you’ve been through.”

“Yeah,” I admit.

“So, imagine being told I killed Jamie. That there’s irrefutable proof. Imagine I took her from you. Forever.”

Anger buzzes right beneath the surface my skin. How fucking dare he?

I rise, crushing the empty Coke can and slam it into the bin a few feet away. Then I turn and finally look him dead in the eye. “Except I didn’t kill anyone. And you never bothered to ask.”

Utter shame stares back at me, but he doesn’t look away, doesn’t hide from me.

So I don’t hide from him. I let him see my rage, see how much I despise him for abandoning me, for believing the boy he raised was killer.

Then, before I do something stupid, I walk away.

Halfway to Jamie’s car, I realise she has the keys. For a second, I think I’ll just keep walking, but the blood flying through my veins, the hurt surging through my heart, has other ideas.

I turn back.

He’s standing beside the park bench, staring at me, tears spilling down his fucking cheeks.

I stalk toward him, every muscle in my body coiled tight, ready to release what I’ve kept locked inside.

If it didn’t mean going back to prison, if it didn’t mean hurting Jamie, I’d beat him to a fucking pulp.

But sometimes, words hurt more.

I march right up to him, slam my palms into his chest and shove. “I fucking hate you!”

The idiot doesn’t flinch. He steps right back into my space. I shove him again. “I hate you!”

He nods, steps toward me again. “I can’t hear you, Son.”

The fuck?

Rage throbs in my ears as I shove him again. “I hate you!”

He steps right back for more. “Why?”

“You left me! Left me like I was a piece of shit, like I meant nothing to you. Like you didn’t know me.

You let those fucking cops pick over what was left of my carcass, like I was nothing more than roadkill.

My only parent, and you turned your back on me when I needed you most, when I needed you to stand up and tell them all that I could never do what they accused me of.

I needed you at that useless lawyer’s office.

I needed you in that courtroom. I needed you to explain the context of our fight, not testify like it was obvious I killed her! ”

I pause to catch my breath, my eyes on him, watching every emotion flit across his fucking face.

“You’re right,” he agrees, choking on the words. “And it’s the biggest regret of my life. I monumentally fucked up. I know I did, Son. There’s no doubt about it. And I’ve been living with that regret, that heartache, for as long as you’ve been hating me.”

I take in his face, all the sorrow etched there. His cheeks seem hollow, the lines around his eyes and across his forehead deeper, multiplying. I notice now that his dirty blond hair isn’t a lighter colour, but mostly grey, aging like the rest of him.

Although his eyes look the same, there’s deep regret right at the surface. He’s not lying.

“I know it’s an astronomical thing to ask, but it would mean everything to have a relationship with you. Any sort of relationship. I miss you so much, Son.”

Then, to my shock, he hugs me. Hard.

I’m so stunned, I stand frozen, my arms like concrete blocks. “I hate you,” I tell him, but there’s no hiding the lack of conviction behind those words. Because now I’m thinking about Jamie, about the hate she had for me, how it lived in her heart, hurting her.

My father’s arms only tighten further. “I love you, Gavin. Please … please forgive me.”

The last words Jamie’s mother said to her rush at me. Open your heart.

My brain takes a crowbar to the lock I’ve kept on all the positive memories I’d buried.

The encouragement and support he gave me in everything I did as a kid and a teenager.

The affection he showed me that I never saw any other father show my friends.

The pride in his eyes when I was offered a spot in three professional soccer teams. The way he treated and looked after my mother when he’d always been in love with someone else.

I release everything I’ve kept suppressed so I could hold onto the one time he let me down.

The concrete encasing my arms shatters, and before I know it, I’m wrapping them around him, holding my father while he embraces me the way I needed to be held the night we were torn apart. As I feel the tension leave his body, a quiet sob escapes his throat.

“I need time,” I say, my own throat painfully tight. “But I’ll try. On my terms.”

“Anything you want, Son. Anything.”

After a few heartfelt pats on the back, we release each other. Swiping at his tears, he says, “So much time … wasted because of me. Giving me more … It means everything.”

As we take a seat again, Jamie and Anika stand and wave. At first, I think they’re coming over, but after I raise my hand in return, they saunter off for another walk.

“I’m proud of you, of the man you’ve become,” my father says.

“How can you be proud of someone you don’t know?”

“What I do know, is how Jamie talks about you, how her whole face lights up when she does so. Since she seems like a lovely, bright young lady, I trust her judgement.”

My heart stills in my chest as I look at him. “She was talking about me?”

He chuckles. “Oh, yeah. And it wasn’t just what she was saying, it was the way she was saying it.”

For the first time since seeing him again, I grin. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Looks like you light up the same way she does.”

We chat for another half an hour, keeping the topics light and casual, trying to find a way into reconnecting.

The more we talk, the easier it gets, though I’m still not in a place where we can discuss the things that really matter.

But I feel that, as we get to know each other again, it’ll happen down the track.

After all, we can’t have a meaningful relationship without discussing the hard stuff.

When Jamie and Anika return, I wonder who else my father has in his life now.

From the way his eyes water as all three of us put our numbers in his phone, I’m guessing he’s not close with too many people.

I suppose I’d be overwhelmed, too. Reconnecting with him has been an emotional roller coaster.

I can’t imagine what it must be like to deal with three of us at once.

As we say goodbye, he hugs Jamie and Anika, then turns to me. I extend my hand, and he grabs it, pulling me into a man-hug while he promises to seem me soon.

Once we pile into the car and drive away, I let my head flop against the headrest as a wave of fatigue overcomes me.

“Well, holy shit,” Anika says, a finger poking at my shoulder. “It looked like you were about to kill him. For a second there, I thought I was gonna have to arrest my brother. Can you imagine if—”

“Anika. For once, shut the hell up,” Jamie tells her firmly.

“It’s okay.” I turn and glance at my sister. “So, how was it for you?”

She’s quiet for a long moment before she says, “Weird. Sad. And kinda brilliant. I think I like him already. I mean, I don’t know him yet, but there’s a connection there.

” She lets out a little frustrated huff.

“Now I don’t want to move so far away. He said he’d come visit in a couple of weeks, though. So that’s something.”

“I’m glad,” I tell her, meaning it. She’s starting from scratch with him, which isn’t easy in itself, but it’s a hell of a lot easier than having the history I have with the man.

Her hand comes down on my shoulder and squeezes. Surprised, I meet her eyes. “He’s really bummed about what happened with you. Like, I mean, really sorry.”

“Yeah, I know.” I turn and face front again, and as I do, I pat her hand a couple of times. It feels good when she gives my shoulder another squeeze, like we’re bonding over this strange moment in both our lives.

As my lips twitch with the urge to smile, Jamie places her hand on top of mine.

Something about that simple gesture gets me out of my own head and makes me realise how fucking lucky I am.

Sitting here in a car with the woman I love and my long-lost sister.

I’m completely present in this moment. I’m not in a cell, not in a prison.

I’m out on a sunny day, doing family stuff I never dreamed I’d do.

And I feel it in my soul. This is happiness.

I turn my hand in Jamie’s until our palms touch and our fingers entwine. As she pulls to a stop at a set of traffic lights, I stare into her beautiful, sparkling eyes.

Thank you , I mouth.

She blinks. Fast. And I know she’s holding back happy tears. Her eyes flash a gorgeous shade of emerald, but it’s not the colour I crave. It’s the love I see there. Clear and true, not a speck of doubt to be found amongst the green and copper of those incredible irises I know so well.

I bring her hand to my mouth and kiss the back of it.

Behind us, our sister retches.

And I laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Anika pipes up, her head appearing by my shoulder.

“You,” I tell her. “The idea that you think you’d be able to arrest me, an innocent man, who happens to be your long-lost brother, for killing our long-lost father.”

She chuckles. “I would’ve done it if you’d gone too far.”

“As if Satan’s little helper could physically overpower me.”

“Oh, I could. I’m a goddamn machine when it comes to bringing down big brutes like you.”

I grin at her. “Talk about tickets.”

“Fuck off. When we get home, I’m taking you down,” she threatens.

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

As Jamie laughs beside me, Anika punches my arm. Hard.

But I don’t feel any pain. All I feel is the incredible sensation of belonging.