Page 7 of Into These Eyes

Jamie

A fter almost a year of waiting, the day of closing submissions has finally arrived.

Alone yet again, I seat myself in the gallery and glance around at the others here to gawk.

As the trial progressed, Dad’s presence had ebbed away until he couldn’t bear to attend court.

I suppose today isn’t the verdict, but his excuse that his employer thinks he’s had too much time off work feels like a lie.

If he’d told me he was taking Anika out of daycare to look after her himself, I wouldn’t have minded so much.

But when I need him most, he’s not here for me, or her, and that hurts.

When he was here, I’d noticed he refused to look at Gavin Lake. I figured, if he took one look at the killer in the dock, he’d leap over the small barrier and murder the guy right there in front of everyone.

Speaking of the devil, the Corrective Services officer leads the vile arsehole into the courtroom and deposits him in the dock.

As they have every day of the trial, his eyes instantly find mine. And once again, I glare daggers at him. He stares back like he truly believes he’s innocent, and it drives me wild with fury. Worse still, he’s a brilliant actor.

When he looks at me in a certain way, I almost believe him. The devastating pain and utter despair in his eyes occasionally slip through my armour of hatred and tear at my heart. Pathetic.

He’s doing it right now. It doesn’t come across like he’s feeling sorry for himself because he got caught. It comes across as if he’s sorry for me . Like he empathises with my loss. Even my anger. Which makes no sense, since he’s the cause of it all.

Wrenching my gaze from his, I stare straight ahead, ashamed of myself for feeling anything but rage toward him.

Still, I feel his eyes on me, just like I have every day.

What he hopes to accomplish, I don’t know.

Though his staring doesn’t seem threatening, I hate it.

But I don’t let that keep me away. There’s no way on earth I’d let him deter me from being here.

I’m not just here for myself, I’m here for Mum.

After the thug’s lawyer raves on with a bunch of lies, the prosecutor addresses the jury. I tune into him, my gaze sliding over to the killer himself. I don’t care if he stares at me, I want to see his reactions to everything the prosecutor says.

“Let’s begin with what the defence has presented. The word of the accused. The word of a killer, a man whose own father testified against him. That is all they have. Nothing else.”

Gavin Lake’s jaw clenches, his eyes briefly skittering over to the prosecutor as the man strides closer to the jury.

“Now, let’s look at the actual evidence.

You all saw the footage from the security guard’s vehicle.

The accused kneeled over the victim, one hand on the lethal weapon, the other strangling her.

He then tried to flee the scene. The accused was covered in the victim’s blood and his fingerprints were the only prints found on the murder weapon.

All compelling evidence, none of which can be denied. On top of that, we have motive.”

The murderer stares into my eyes, pleading with me. It’s so ridiculous, I almost laugh. It’s like he thinks the evidence against him is a lie. But he’s the only liar in this room.

“The accused had a violent altercation with his father over his dissatisfaction with his father’s new relationship.

Clearly in a rage, the accused obtained a weapon from the kitchen before leaving.

Upon seeing the victim outside his family home, the angry young man lashed out, ending the life of an innocent woman, leaving behind a grieving husband and two motherless children.

This is an open and shut case, ladies and gentlemen. There is no reasonable doubt here.”

When Gavin Lake shakes his head in denial, I want to scream.

It’s not enough that he’d killed my mother, but he then had the audacity to drag our family through this hell?

If he’d just pled guilty to begin with, this trial wouldn’t have taken place.

I never would have laid eyes on him. Though, truthfully, I needed to see the monster who killed my mother.

I need a picture of him in my head, an image I can call upon to keep my hatred for him alive.

The next morning, as I sit in the gallery, Detective Reid seats himself beside me. At least I’m not alone.

Then the jury foreperson announces their decision.

Guilty on all counts.

Utter relief washes through me. Although sentencing might not take place for a few weeks, I’ve done my research. He should get sentenced to life imprisonment with a non-parole period of twenty years.

I find Gavin Lake’s pitiful face and glare at him. Chin trembling, he stares back. When the Corrective Services officer approaches him, he shakes his head, tears brimming in his eyes.

Good .

The officer indicates for him to step down from the dock.

The moment his foot touches the floor, he charges toward the low railing separating the public gallery from the rest of the courtroom.

Suddenly he’s right in front of me, leaning over, his eyes locked with mine. I gasp and draw back, clutching at Detective Reid’s arm.

“I didn’t do this!” the killer shouts. “I didn’t take her from you! I would never—”

Reid shoves him back into the officer, who twists Gavin Lake’s arm behind his back and takes him down to the floor as the judge calls for order.

Heart thundering, I stand on trembling legs as the officer cuffs him, then yanks him to his feet. As he’s marched roughly to the exit for the guilty, he looks over his shoulder. Right at me. My gut twists at the sincerity in his eyes, at the tears streaming down his face.

But I refuse to be fooled by him. Instead, I give him the only smile he’ll ever see from me.

I know it doesn’t reach my eyes, but I force it anyway.

As soon as I do, I feel nasty, cruel even.

But it’s him who should feel that way, not me.

He’s the one who’s hurt me, my family. He’s the one who keeps hurting us by refusing to admit what he did.

“The killer’s still out there!” he pleads. “You have to believe me!”

Then the door closes behind them, and he’s gone from the courtroom. And from my life.

The killer’s still out there.

How stupid does he think I am?

When the pain of my nails digging into my palms registers, my knees buckle, and my butt hits the seat I’ll never occupy again.

Detective Reid places a comforting hand on my shoulder, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.

It’s finally over. I’ve spent so much time in this courtroom, the lawyers and court officials have become so familiar.

But just like them, Reid will leave here and forget I exist.

While the courtroom slowly empties, I sit motionless, trying to figure out what to do now. I’d thought Gavin Lake’s conviction would somehow, finally, make him admit his guilt. But he’s holding onto his innocence tighter than ever, and the verdict hasn’t taken away any of my pain either.

Instead of relief and a sense of justice, I’m numb.

Without the distraction of the trial, reality rushes in.

Am I capable of being a mother to my sister? With almost no help from Dad, I’ve cared for her for almost a year, and it’s been anything but easy. She’s only three now. There’s fifteen more years to get through before she’s an adult.

Fifteen years of a life I didn’t sign up for.

I’m an unqualified mother to a toddler I didn’t give birth to. I haven’t even had sex for fuck’s sake. My carefree teenage years are over. I’ll never get them back. Time stolen from a life I’ll never know.

Being here today should have felt like freedom. Instead, I’ve been shackled to my own prison sentence.

All because of Gavin Lake.