Page 68 of Into These Eyes

I think I cried for a year. But I was never alone.

Your father was constantly by my side. You know most of our story.

But what you don’t know is that I never felt for him the way he wanted me to.

There’s something to be said for perseverance and an unshakeable love for another.

That’s what he had for me. And almost a year after Lockie left, I gave in. And along came you.

A gift that changed my heart. Moving the love I had for Lockie to you helped me accept his loss. You became my world, and I learnt that we don’t always get what we want, but like the song goes, sometimes we get what we need. And that was you, Jamie.

I loved your father, but I never had that amazing, all consuming, electric charge I had with Lockie. I yearned for it, but accepted it would never be a part of my life, so I embraced what I did have.

Until fate brought Lockie back into my life.

I’d dropped you at a birthday party and went to a grocery store in that area. And there he was, testing avocado after avocado. The moment we saw each other, time became irrelevant. All those feelings were right there between us, as raw and intense as ever.

Your father and I hadn’t had an intimate relationship in years, and neither had Lockie and his wife.

We’d both felt trapped with people we loved, but weren’t in love with. Yet when we found each other again, our hearts were set free.

There’s nothing like it, Jamie. From the bottom of my soul, I hope you find that kind of love. And that you can enjoy it for as long as possible. We lost so much time.

But the world can be a cruel place. I know, because it stung me again for the second time. Though I wonder, if the second time wasn’t karma.

Although we did the right thing for us, we were doing the wrong thing by the people we’d built lives with. We began an affair and started to plan how we would end it with our spouses so we could finally be together.

But like I said, life is cruel.

Because the day Lockie planned to tell his wife, was the day she was diagnosed with a terminal illness.

How could he leave her?

He knew he couldn’t. I knew he couldn’t. As much as it hurt, if he’d left her then, I’d have known he was no longer the man I thought he was. The man I love.

As vile as it may seem to others—to you—we promised each other that we’d eventually be together again. It was only a matter of time.

So, the wait began. But our carelessness had already led to more heartache, and joy.

I was pregnant.

And a terminal illness trumps pregnancy, right? Still, I had a part of Lockie growing inside me, and I couldn’t give that up for anything. And he couldn’t leave his dying wife.

So, the lie I’d been keeping from your father by omission had to be revealed. Like I said, we hadn’t been intimate in years. I had no choice.

I told him the truth, and I think it broke him.

But I also think he loved me the way I loved Lockie.

Because he forgave me. As long as I promised never to reveal who the baby’s father was, as long as I promised never to see Lockie again, he’d forgive me.

We’d put it behind us and rebuild our future as a family.

And so, I lied to him again. I promised, knowing I would break that promise the moment the time was right. The moment Lockie was free.

I’m writing this now, before you get home from school. Before I lie to you both again. The girls’ nights out were real. For a little while. Then they became the nights Lockie and I would meet, and plan for the tearing apart of my family. For the death of his wife.

She’s been gone a month now and we feel the time is right.

Anika’s two. So little, so innocent. She needs her real father.

She needs the love he can give her. As much as he’s tried, your father can’t forget the truth of who she is, what she represents.

I know you’ve noticed how disengaged he is with her.

Now you know why. At least, if nothing else, you can now make sense of that.

I truly hope you never see this letter. I hope you understand and forgive me the moment I tell you I’m divorcing your father to be with the love of my life. The love that feels like I’ve waited for forever. I may not deserve it. But I’m taking it. Life is short.

But I know you too well, my daughter. I know you’ll be angry. I know you’ll say you hate me for destroying our family. I know you’ll say I’m selfish. I know you’ll say you never want to see me again.

All I can hope is that life shows you something close to what I feel for the man I believe I’m destined to be with, even if the universe kept saying otherwise. Maybe you’re still too young, but you’re an adult now. And adults leave childish resentment behind and open their hearts to forgiveness.

I will always be your mother, no matter what you decide. So why not let me be part of your life?

I love you, Jamie. Please forgive me. Please open your heart for me.

Love,

Mum.

I’m almost deafened by the pulse thumping in my ears as I put down the pages. Then I lift my eyes to the two women waiting with bated breath. One, the woman I love, the other … my sister.

From the overwhelming mindfuck crashing around in my brain, two thoughts rise above it all.

Anika’s my sister.

Anika’s Jamie’s sister.

My stomach drops to my feet and flops to the floor, my mind swirling so fast, I can’t figure out if it means what I hope the fuck it doesn’t mean.

Recognising my stricken expression, Jamie leans across the counter and clutches my hand in hers.

“It’s okay. It freaked me out, too. But it’s not what you’re thinking.

” My hand grips onto hers, clinging to her words, desperate to understand.

She smiles through her tears. “We don’t share any parents, Gavin. Anika’s the only one who does.”

I slump forward and rest my forehead on our entwined hands. The relief coursing through my body weakens my muscles and relaxes the vice around my heart. For a few terrifying seconds, I thought I’d lost her. And I couldn’t even comprehend how I’d survive.

“Hey,” Anika pipes up, “what am I? Chopped liver?”

“Ank, give him a chance to absorb,” Jamie says softly.

Raising my head, I meet my sister’s eyes. And suddenly I know why she seems familiar. Although I have my mother’s eyes, she has our father’s.

And I’m lost. What do I say to this young woman I’ve only just met? What do I do? I have no fucking idea.

Just as uncertain, Anika stares at me. She glances at Jamie, then me again, and I can’t read her expression.

“Right, then,” she says, slapping an open palm on the counter before pushing past Jamie and coming around to my side to stand in front of me. “Get up.”

To my surprise, I grin as I stand. “Bossy little devil.”

“Too fucking right,” she shoots back.

Then she flies at me, wraps her arms around my middle and grips me like she’s drowning. When I glance at Jamie, she’s holding a hand over her mouth, her eyes shining with happiness and tears.

Fuck. This is insane, and so fucking amazing.

I wrap my arms around Anika and squeeze her as tightly as she’s holding me.

“Hey,” I mumble, as if I’m greeting her for the first time. And in a way, I guess I am. I’m meeting the little sister I never knew I had.

“Hey,” she replies, her voice breaking on the syllable.

This is just as huge for her as it is for me. She has a brother. And now she knows that the man who withheld his affection from her isn’t her father. If nothing else, I hope that knowledge gives her some closure.

After a long moment, the tension leaves her body, and she takes a step back.

“This is so fucking brilliant!” she almost squeals as she swipes the last tears from her face. “Now I can give you even more shit, bro . You have to put up with me, whether you like it or not.”

I chuckle. “You realise that goes both ways, right?”

“Well, shit.” She places her hands on her hips and wrinkles her nose, but her eyes remain bright. “I suppose I’ll just have to learn to live with that little fact.”

She goes back into the kitchen, places the sandwiches on the breakfast bar and scoffs one down.

Overwhelmed, I meet Jamie’s eyes, allowing myself the thought that I’ve always known in my bones. Jamie Evans is connected to me. And had been well before I went to prison.

When she picks up a sandwich, she mouths, you okay?

I nod and give her a wink. I should be asking the same of her. There’s a lot to digest when it comes to her mother’s letter. It’s not all about me and Anika being siblings. It’s about why we’re siblings in the first place.

I shift my gaze to Anika. My sister. That’s going to take some getting used to.

She catches my eye and asks, “So, I’ve only got tomorrow left, then I’m leaving the next day. I wanna to meet my father before I go.”

My jaw clenches, every muscle in my body knotting with tension.

“Maybe we should allow this to sink in for a while,” Jamie says, clearly understanding why I’m now a concrete statue.

“Yeah,” Anika says, her eyes flicking from me to Jamie. “That’s not fucking happening.” Her gaze skates back to me, taking in my frozen state. “What? Please tell me he’s not dead.”

“Actually, I have no idea,” I answer, forcing the truth out through my constricting throat, realising this new development might force me to slice open that wound.

Jamie puts a hand on Anika’s shoulder. “Listen, Ank. This is all a lot to take in. Wouldn’t it be best to start your new job, get yourself all settled, then think about connecting with your father?”

“No, I don’t think that’s best at all.” She shrugs free of Jamie’s hand, the hurt in her eyes palpable. “In fact, I’ll look him up and call him right now.” Pulling her phone out of her back pocket, she unlocks it.

It takes everything in me not to lean across the counter and swipe it from her hand.

Instead, Jamie does it for me. “Ank, it’s not fair to just spring it on him. And there are other issues to consider before you go barging in.”

“Like what?”

“Like he might not be the greatest parent,” I manage to contribute.