Page 22 of Into These Eyes

Gavin

R eturning to the tin-can I hate referring to as home , I plug my battery-depleted phone into the charger, grab a glass of water and down it in one hit. After I stare through the grimy window at the depressing caravans beyond, I turn and taking in the space I’ve been assigned.

Last night, for the first time since my incarceration, I entered a real home.

Unfortunately, it’d been like a fucking dream I never wanted to wake from.

Along with the welcoming atmosphere of Jamie’s house, the amount of space alone was goddamn paradise.

Not to mention that blissfully cool, thin air.

While she rested, I snuck a peek at her backyard and that sparkling jade swimming pool.

Staring out there, the vague memory of the freedom to open a door and step outside without having to be on alert, tightened my chest.

Fucking heaven, all of it.

But more than all those material things, I relished being there for Jamie. Caring for and doting on her because she needed me, tugged at my heart, proving that’s what I’m made for. To care for others. I’ve spent far too long worrying about myself. I’m over it.

Having her sit at the breakfast bar while I cooked and talked to her … Well, to me, that’s something special I want a hell of a lot more of.

She’s promised to give me my life back, the idea of a real future. One with meaning. Christ, I want that so badly it hurts in a place deep inside, a place I’m scared to let see the light. As wonderful as hope is, I know all too well how it can also devastate when it crashes and burns.

But it’s damn hard to tamp it down when the idea of a life worth living has been dangled in front of my face.

And even though I try not to think about wanting that life to include Jamie Evans, it’s impossible. A stupid fantasy. It’s just … being around her, looking into her eyes again after all this time, makes me want more than simply a career and a home.

Spending time with her to secure my future as an innocent man will be torture, but worth every punishing second.

A couple of sharp raps on the side of the caravan jolt me out of my head. The moment I swing the door open, Benny barrels inside.

Over the couple of weeks since his release, we’ve spent most afternoons together.

Although I’ve grown accustomed to being alone, Benny’s struggling.

I’d lived with him twenty hours a day for fifteen years.

He’s had forty years of never being alone.

When I was released, it’d felt like I’d lost a goddamn limb without his constant presence.

I know he feels the same. I also know only time helps reduce that loss.

So, I’m trying to ease him into it without making it too obvious.

The same way I’ve continually delayed the little plan he cooked up in prison.

“Where the hell’ve ya been?” he grumbles as he flicks on the kettle, then slides onto the bench seat at the table like he’s right at home. I suppose he is. His tin-can’s identical to mine. “Well?”

Grinning, I lean against the kitchen counter. “You won’t believe me. Have a guess.”

“Fuckin’ Mars?”

“It’s far more unbelievable than that.”

He narrows his eyes and shrugs. “Can’t play stupid guessin’ games without me coffee.”

Beside me, the kettle clicks off as it boils. I grab a couple of mugs from the cupboard and unscrew the cap off the instant coffee. “You know you can make your own, right?”

“Pfff. Course I fuckin’ know that. Bloody milk’s off. Came over ta get some of yours once I knew ya’d be back from work, and since ya were nowhere to be found, I’m havin’ withdrawal symptoms.”

Work. Fuck!

So consumed with Jamie, my shitty job hadn’t even crossed my mind. I’d missed a whole fucking shift, and I hadn’t called in. I stare at my phone on the charger, dreading turning the damn thing on. I’m actually surprised my Community Corrections officer isn’t banging my door down.

I add a sugar to my coffee and three to Benny’s, top his off with milk, and place it in front of him before I take a seat. I’ll deal with my failure to turn up at work later.

“So, spill,” Benny says, then raises his mug and takes a sip.

“I spent the night with Jamie Evans.”

Yep, I’m an idiot. A fine mist of milky coffee sprays across the table as Benny chokes on the hot liquid.

“Fuck, Benny,” I grumble, sliding out from the table to grab some paper towels. By the time I wipe myself down and clean the tabletop, he’s finally gained some semblance of control.

“Your fault,” he huffs. “Don’t go tellin’ stupid jokes when I’m tryin’ ta get my fix.”

“It’s not a joke.”

“Bullshit. You know ya go anywhere near her, she’ll have the cops on ya like you’re a terrorist. Ya need to stop with this fuckin’ obsession.”

“ She came to see me .”

“What?” He sits up straighter, the frown lines on his forehead deepening.

“She told me … she knows I’m innocent.”

He blinks, and I realise he’s having the same reaction I had. Disbelief. Then he grins, and those missing teeth at the back of his mouth make a rare appearance. He knows what someone else believing I’m innocent means to me. He also knows what it means coming from Jamie Evans herself.

“You’re not shittin’ me?”

“I’m most definitely not.”

“But how?” he asks, leaning forward.

“Seems my theory was right. Her father confessed on his deathbed.”

I recount her visit, and Benny is just as surprised and impressed as I am that she didn’t keep it to herself. Leaving out anything she’d find embarrassing, I fill him in on last night and this morning, wrapping up with her genuine offer to help clear my name.

“And that changes everything we planned,” I say, dreading his reaction, but relieved to the bottom of my soul that Jamie’s visit might be the very thing to finally put an end to Benny’s crazy idea. And hopefully get me out of the lie I told him without ever having to reveal I lied.

Agitated, he gets up and paces beside the table.

“Don’t ya see?” he finally says. “This changes nothin’ when it comes ta Reid. He still fucked ya over. He still deserves what’s comin’ his way.”

I don’t dispute any of that, but although I’d agreed to Benny’s plan, I only did so to placate him.

I never, ever intended to go through with it.

It’s the one and only lie I’ve ever told him.

I’m ashamed about that, but he’d been so distressed about his release, I’d had a horrible feeling he might do something drastic to keep himself behind bars.

That’s why I gave him something to cling to. A purpose. That’s why I lied.

I’ve never been a killer, and I never will be, no matter how much Benny thinks Reid deserves to die.

“Think of it this way. Getting my conviction quashed means Reid’ll get what’s coming to him.

It just won’t be the way we thought it’d be,” I try to reason.

“I’m sure it’ll mean the end of his career.

He’ll probably face charges. Hopefully end up in prison himself.

So, we stand back and let the law do its thing. ”

Benny scoffs. “What? Like the way the law did its thing when it convicted you of a crime ya didn’t commit? That way?”

“It’s usually more right than wrong.”

“Fuck off!” he shouts, his eyes burning into mine. He’s coming across angry, but I know it’s really disappointment. And fear.

“Benny, I’ve decided. I’m giving this a shot. I want a life. I need a life. And if there’s even a microscopic chance she can give that to me, I’m taking it.”

His fist strikes the table beside me. “And what about me? Huh? What life do I get?”

Keeping my cool, I stare up at him. Whatever I say will be meaningless when he’s in this state. He paces again before slamming his open palm on the table.

“I can't live like this, Gav. Prison’s my home. Not this … whatever the fuck this is. I don’t want it. The freedom … it’s—”

“Terrifying. I know. I felt the same way when I first—”

“No! You don’t get it. Forty fuckin’ years is a lot different than sixteen. I just wanna go back. Ta what I know. Ta where I’m comfortable. Killin’ that prick Reid’s my ticket to what I want. I helped ya survive inside, now it’s your fuckin’ turn ta help me. We made a deal.”

He’s right. If it hadn’t been for our chance pairing in a cell, I know I wouldn’t have survived. Benny was my rock. My teacher. My fucking father . I wouldn’t be sitting here now if it wasn’t for him. And we both know it.

In his eyes, what he’s asking for isn’t unreasonable.

The plan was to get Benny sent back to prison after his release.

But he can’t just commit some victimless crime.

Unlike me, he isn’t out on parole. He’s out because he’s served his time, which only leaves one option.

He has to commit a major crime to end up in supermax again.

His home. But like me, Benny’s not a cold-blooded killer.

He’d just been unlucky. Twice. He hadn’t meant to kill anyone.

After years of listening to me rant about my conviction being Reid’s fault, Benny had come up with what he thought was a fool-proof idea.

We’d find a way for me to get my revenge and kill Reid, then we’d make it look like Benny did it.

He’d go straight back to supermax, and I’d continue to try to build a life on the outside.

But for me, it was pure fantasy, a way to let off steam.

I’d played along, never believing he’d actually want to go through with it.

That fact hadn’t sunk in until a few days ago, when he showed me the gun he’d managed get hold of.

I’ve been wracking my brain ever since, trying figure out how to convince him that it’s not so bad out here.

But unlike Benny, I have hope.

Maybe, that’s all he needs too.

“You’ve only been out for a few weeks. I’m not about to stop helping you acclimatise.”

“A-fuckin-climatise? Is that what we’re talkin’ about? Not loyalty, not promises?” He finally takes a seat across from me, runs a hand through his hair, then pounds it down on the table. “Ya remember how my loyalty served you, right?”