Page 47 of Into These Eyes

As the videos go on, showing me growing up, laughing with Dad as he puts me on his shoulders, or spins me around, or just cuddles me, I pause it too, telling Gavin where we were or what the occasion might have been.

Somewhere in amongst all the pausing and unpausing, my hand drops away from the screen and rests on his thigh.

His muscles tighten, but before I take my hand away, he relaxes again.

So, I keep it there. After all, it’s much easier to reach the screen.

Soon, the footage shows me at fourteen, holding baby Anika protectively.

Images roll forward of me trying to pass her to Dad and him stepping back, of me putting her on my shoulders after he’s refused.

Another of Dad and I standing with Anika in front of the Kiama blowhole.

When the blowhole erupts, Anika gets such a fright, she clings to Dad’s leg and cries.

He quickly extracts her and pushes her at me before marching toward the camera to take it from Mum.

“Your father,” Gavin says. “I don’t think I’ve seen a single video or image of him holding Anika. It’s always you.”

I’m surprised he noticed. I knew it then, and it became more obvious after Mum died.

Even the affectionate hugs he used to give me stopped after Mum’s death.

I always thought it was his way of protecting himself from further hurt—something I’d followed his lead on.

But now I understand it was guilt holding him back.

He didn’t deserve to hold and comfort me or Anika because he was the reason we needed comforting.

“He was always like that with Anika, but after Mum died, he disconnected even more. That’s why I stayed instead of moving out when I was ready. She needed a parent and our father was incapable.”

Gavin’s soft, caring eyes gaze into mine. “She’s lucky to have you.”

I scoff. “I doubt she sees it that way.”

“I think you’d be surprised. She might not verbalise it, but she’d have to be blind not to know that her sister has an incredible heart. I’m sure anyone you care for feels your love.”

The heart he’s just mentioned thuds hard against my breastbone. His sincerity tears something wide open inside me. He sees me. Sees behind those walls I’ve constructed. The walls he’s destroying with a sledgehammer.

I look away, blink rapidly and swallow over the excruciating lump in my throat. Before he can say anything that’ll tip me over that edge, I press play.

After much pausing, laughter and waves of sadness, we finally reach the end.

Emotions flow through me like a whirlwind, but I’m so glad I watched it.

With Mum’s funeral being so morbidly sad due to the circumstances of her death, I never thought to look at these memories as a celebration of her life.

It’s not until Gavin places the tablet on his other side that I realise I’m pressed right up against him.

He feels solid, warm, and comforting. Too damn good.

In this moment, I understand that it hasn’t just been one bad experience and too many responsibilities that have kept me from letting a man into my life.

I simply haven’t met anyone who makes me feel this way.

I’ve never had my heart jolt or my stomach flutter.

I’ve never been hyper aware of every touch.

I’ve never had an insatiable need to look into a man’s eyes.

Until he came along.

Every instinct tells me he feels it too, but I can’t stop that niggling little voice in my head that doesn’t trust my instincts. What if he’s only here because he feels obligated while he waits for his conviction to be overturned? What happens when he leaves?

The thought that I might soon lose him, sends a shrivelling pain through my chest. And I’ve had enough pain to last a lifetime.

“Hey,” he says with concern, “what’s wrong?” Dusting a thumb over my cheek, he brushes away a tear I was completely unaware I’d shed.

I don’t want to lie to him, but I’m not ready for that level of vulnerability yet.

So, since I value his opinion, I reveal him another truth instead.

“As much as Mum’s affair was a shock that I’ll never get answers to, my father has me torn in two.

I just can’t wrap my head around him. That level of violence, of deception.

I stood by him, I did everything I could for him because I always believed his grief was deeper than mine.

How am I supposed to grieve for a man I never knew? ”

Gavin places his hand on my shoulder, angling me toward him a little. “Maybe you can’t,” he says softly. “Maybe all you can do is grieve for the part of him you did know.”

Staring at my hand resting on his thigh, I wonder why I can’t seem to remove it. I bite my lip and concentrate on his words. “But after watching those memories, knowing he had it in him to kill the very person he claimed to love … doesn’t that mean everything was a lie?”

“Jamie …” He slides his hand from my shoulder and cups my neck, his thumb grazing my jaw. “After watching him, I can’t believe his love for you was a lie. And the pride in his eyes when he looked at you … there’s no faking that.”

“Then how could he do what he did to Mum, to me, to Anika … to you? ”

“You’ll probably never know. And that’s a tough fucking truth to swallow. But … what if he’d done the worst thing imaginable, then—as luck would have it—the opportunity to prevent the second worst thing from happening fell into his lap?”

“You?” I ask, trying my best to concentrate on his words instead of the gentle circling of his thumb behind my earlobe.

“Yeah.” The intensity in his eyes holds me captive. “Try and put yourself in his shoes. With me taking the fall, he was safe. And that meant you and your sister were safe.”

I frown. “Safe from what?”

“From the very real possibility of leaving you girls parentless, at the mercy of a foster care system that would’ve almost certainly separated you from your sister.

The way he was in those videos, I think he’d have done anything to prevent that from happening.

Like letting an innocent man go to prison in his place. ”

His clear blue eyes gaze at me as I absorb his words. “You’re … defending him?” I ask in disbelief.

“No, not defending him. Understanding him.”

The fact that Gavin has taken the time to unravel the motives behind the man who stole sixteen years of his life, overwhelms me.

And it makes perfect sense. The man I knew as my father would have done whatever it took to keep his family together.

Well, apart from killing his wife. That’ll never make sense.

My father must have experienced intense relief when the police revealed they’d caught the killer.

He’d have latched onto that the way a drowning man clutches a flotation device.

Gavin’s arrest had been his chance to make sure his crime didn’t make things worse for me and Anika.

The man I thought I knew would have been eaten up by guilt. A slow, hungry monster that destroys from the inside out. Was that what he meant when he told me he deserved the cancer? Had he held on until Anika had her life in order, then just let go, let the guilt consume him?

Images of a different life flash before my eyes.

I see my father’s arrest. I see myself holding two-year-old Anika, trying to shield her from faceless people ripping her from my arms to take her away.

The terror, the extra trauma on top of Mum’s death.

Who knows what would have happened to us. I might not even know my sister today.

“You okay?” he asks, sliding his hand from my neck to my shoulder, his thumb resting on my bare collarbone.

“Yes … I … Why have I never thought about it like that?”

“Why would you? You’ve only just found out.”

“But you did.”

“I’ve had a little longer to think about it. Lying in my cell, staring at the walls, I’d come up with every scenario under the sun. But actually seeing the way he was with you in those videos, that cemented it.”

I close my eyes, letting more tears flow. I don’t care. I know I’m safe with this man, and even more that, I want his comfort.

He squeezes my shoulder before sinking his fingers into my hair at the nape of my neck, and then I feel the softest brush of his lips on my forehead.

“You’re strong, Jamie,” he murmurs, touching the underside of my chin until my eyes meet his. “You know that, right?”

The need to throw myself into his arms, to feel them around me again, is so damn tempting.

But I resist. “When being strong or falling apart are your only choices … well, crumbling wasn’t an option when there was a little girl who needed me.

” Swallowing over the lump in my throat, I release a long breath.

“What else are you thinking?” he asks gently, reading me far too easily.

I hesitate a moment. Even having this thought hurts my heart. “Is it wrong to be grateful that Anika and I didn’t end up in the system … when it was at your expense?”

To my amazement, he smiles, his blue eyes the warmth of a flame. “No, it’s not wrong. Don’t ever feel guilty about that.”

I shake my head. “How can I not?”

“That’s easy.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Jamie,” he says, his voice low and deep with emotion. “How can I regret a second of being locked away, when it meant you and your sister’s lives weren’t destroyed?”

My heart comes to a complete standstill. Then takes off like a rocket as his fingers brush stray strands of hair behind my ear like I might shatter if he touches me with too much force. And I just might. The kindness and compassion of this man is heartbreaking.

Our eyes hold and, as his palm cradles my jaw, his pupils swallow his irises until only a ring of the deepest blue remains.

There’s nothing I can do but sink into his touch. When he inches closer, my pulse stutters. The fraction of air between us sparks and sizzles. He’s going to kiss me. And oh, God, I want him to.

So.

Fucking.

Badly.

From the kitchen, my phone shrills, wrenching me out of the moment.

“That’s my boss,” I say, and his hand drops away from my face, leaving a ghost of an imprint behind. I almost whimper at the loss.

Disappointment flashes in his eyes. “You can tell from here?”

“The ringtone.” Reluctantly getting to my feet, I hurry around the couch.

I regret it the moment I answer, but part of my employment contract demands I’m contactable outside office hours. Listening to my boss ramble on about the court case tomorrow, I watch Gavin head down the hallway to the bedrooms. Without glancing my way.

Is he pissed at me? Why wouldn’t he be? I’m pissed at me. While my boss drones on about urgently needing a document prepared before tomorrow, I wish I’d let it go to voicemail. I wish I was sitting on the couch kissing Gavin right now.

I also know my boss would have kept calling and calling until I picked up.

As much as I regret answering the damn thing, I’m glad my boss’s ringtone isn’t the soundtrack to the moment my lips first touch Gavin’s.

Though I’m not so sure he feels the same way.

After I tune into Eric’s voice and understand what he wants prepared and sent over to him tonight, I unpack my laptop at the dining table and get to work.

When what seems like seconds have passed, a warm hand gives my shoulder a gentle shake. “Jamie?”

I grumble and press my eyes deeper into the curve of my inner elbow. It can’t be time to get up yet.

“Come on, sleeping beauty. It’s two o’clock,” that deep, soothing voice vibrates close to my ear. “Let’s get you to bed.”

He guides my arm across his shoulders, then I’m weightless, crushed against his chest as he lifts me from the chair. “Hold on.”

I burrow my face into his neck and cling to him. I love the way he smells, the warmth of his skin against my forehead. Memories flood through my half-asleep brain, pulling me back to the taste of him, the feel of his skin on my lips, on my tongue.

Then my head touches softness. Cool sheets slide against my skin.

“Thank you,” I murmur, not sure if the words slipped from my mouth.

“Goodnight, Jamie.”

As I cross the threshold between consciousness and sleep, I swear I feel soft lips touch my forehead.