Page 44 of Into These Eyes

“No,” she barely whispers.

I want to explode at the thought that no one’s told her how spectacular she is in every way. “What sort of dickheads have you been seeing, when clearly you could have your pick? You must have men lining up around the corner for a chance to—”

“I don’t want men lining up to fuck me.” Her eyes flash with anger before she turns her face away.

I dig my fingers into my thigh, intrigued as to why she’s so fired up. Since she hasn’t told me to mind my own business, I don’t.

“I was going to say date you .” Studying her profile, I note the clench of her jaw, the colour burning her cheeks. Even though she won’t look at me, she hasn’t run away. “Did someone … hurt you?”

She scoffs. “No. I’m just a pathetic loser.”

Relief sweeps through me, and I have to struggle against the urge to pull her into my arms and show her without words that she’s not a pathetic loser. Where did she even get that idea?

“You’ll have to explain that one to me. From where I sit, you’re a successful, independent woman who has her life totally put together.”

She stares at my chest. “Not totally. That … dating part of my life … That’s basically non-existent.”

Unable to help myself, I reach out and cover the hand she has resting on the counter. “Why?” I ask quietly. Finally, she looks into my eyes, her expression pained.

“While you’ve been in a real prison, I put that part of myself in a prison of my own making.

Studying, looking after Anika and Dad, then working.

I didn’t have anything left to give, let alone the time.

I locked that part of my life away and got on with what had to be done.

” She takes a deep breath. “Let’s face it, I wasn’t an attractive package.

Playing mother to my sister while living at home with my father …

What sort of guy wants to get involved with that? ”

“One with understanding and depth.”

She scoffs. “Exactly why I’m still single.”

Surprised by her insight, I rub my thumb over the back of her hand. “You were dealing with a shitload of pressure and responsibility. All thrust on you when you were way too young.” She searches my eyes, and I hope she finds the truth there.

“So, you can see why I avoided anything that’d make it even harder.”

I shouldn’t ask. It’s definitely none of my business. “So, you’ve never …”

To my surprise, instead of telling me to fuck off, she shrugs.

“Once. When I was seventeen, just after the trial. I think I was trying to escape the suffocating sorrow and hatred that constantly consumed me. I wanted to go somewhere else … be someone else. Even if only for a moment. And it was just a moment. I was young and na?ve, and so was he. It wasn’t good …

wasn’t anything I had any desire to repeat. ”

My heart cracks open, amazed she’s revealed something so intensely personal, and stunned by her bravery in doing so.

But that’s not all, is it? My skin prickles as the thought takes hold.

What are the chances we’d be sitting here now, both of us untouched for the same amount of time?

Because of our parents’ actions. I don’t believe in destiny or fate, but this feels a hell of a lot like we’ve been waiting for each other without ever knowing it.

Until now.

I clear my throat, remembering she’d said she had no desire to repeat what hadn’t been good for her all that time ago. “And now? How do you feel about it now?”

“Like I said, I don’t give it any thought. So, you see. I am pathetic.”

I squeeze her hand. “Now you’re insulting me. If you’re pathetic, then I am too.”

That gets a tiny smile out of her. “I seriously doubt that.”

Heat rushes to my face, but I want her to know. “I haven’t had sex since I was a teenager either.” I don’t care if she thinks I’m a loser. If it makes her feel better, I’m happy to be the biggest loser on the planet. And I hope she sees my confession as another bond between us.

She frowns, her eyes darting rapidly between mine. “But, that guy, at the caravan park. He said … it seemed like maybe you’d had women there.”

“That’s not who I am, Jamie. One thing about prison, it has a brutal way of teaching you who you are.

I know what I want, know what my values are.

So, if it makes me a loser for not wanting to pay a woman just to use her body, then I have no problem being a loser.

But I don’t think it does. And I don’t think you are either. ”

Rolling her lips between her teeth, her hand slips from beneath mine. I think I’ve totally fucked up, made a complete and utter fool of myself. Until she covers my hand with hers, reversing their position.

“Thank you,” she says softly as she squeezes my hand. “But what about … dating?”

I guess I walked right into that one. Not that it matters. We both have similar excuses. “What do I have to offer anyone? I’m not an attractive package. An ex-con convicted for murder, living in a caravan. What sort of woman wants to get involved with that?”

“One with understanding and depth,” she quotes my earlier response. Her eyes search mine for a moment, and as light shimmers brighter on their surface, she quickly retracts her hand. “I’d better get some work done.” Swivelling away, she takes a seat at the dining table and wakes up her laptop.

As I stack the dishwasher, I now know why she wasn’t shocked by my reaction when she made contact with my bare skin. Just like me, she hasn’t experienced anyone’s touch or love in all that time either. She completely understands.

By the time I hear her say goodnight, she’s gone. Her files are still spread out over the dining table, but the laptop’s closed. I’m not sure why she’s abandoned her work so early, but I notice that reading device of hers is missing from the breakfast bar where she’d left it.

I smile to myself, knowing she thinks about sex and love and relationships a lot more than she lets on.