Page 73 of Into These Eyes

Gavin

A fter the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had, I wake up thoroughly refreshed.

A little disappointed that Jamie isn’t beside me, I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling.

I could’ve made love to her last night, but there are more important things to a relationship than sex.

What she needed was comfort, so that’s what I gave her. And I don’t regret it for a second.

When the sound of the sisters’ chatter reaches my ears, my mouth curves into a smile. Yesterday when I woke, I was a family of one. Me. Alone. For sixteen years. Now I have a new addition.

With a sense of hope, my mood light, I decide I’ll go with the girls— my girls—today. I’ll keep my distance, observe, and make a decision about my father when I feel ready.

Before I know it, Jamie’s driving and Anika’s in the back seat, straining against her seatbelt the whole way as we head to the park where my sister will meet her father for the first time.

Surprising myself, and hoping it’ll give Anika a more rounded picture of the man, I recount some amusing stories from my childhood that include my father. When the memories remind me of the pretty great dad he’d been until that fateful night, I hide the hurt they stir up.

By the time Jamie finds a parking spot, the temperature has already roared into the mid-thirties. I thought I might be able to watch their meeting from the safety of the car, but that’s not happening.

We all get out, Jamie coming around to take my hand in hers as we scan the beautiful park.

No playground exists here. Just a lovely expanse of neatly kept lawns with leafy English oaks and liquid ambers scattered throughout, providing much needed shade amongst the Australian natives.

Park benches rest beneath the dense canopies, and in the distance, I spot my father waiting on one.

He’s far enough away that his features aren’t clear, but I know it’s him.

I catch Anika’s eye and tilt my head toward him. “He’s here.”

She snaps her head in his direction, and grabs my upper arm, her fingers curling around it too tight. “Are you coming?”

“I’m not sure yet. Either way, you should see him first. This is about you, not me.” Jamie’s hand squeezes mine and I squeeze back.

Anika lets out a little scoff. “Why the fuck am I so nervous?”

“You’ll be fine,” Jamie reassures her.

“ Me? You’re coming too.”

“You should meet him one-on-one, Ank. Like Gavin said, this is about you. It’s a huge moment for you both. I’ll meet him when you’re ready.”

“Fuck that. I need you, Jamie. Like, really need you, okay? Please.”

Jamie gives me another squeeze, releases me and holds her hand out to her sister. “Are you sure?”

Anika grabs it like a life preserver and nods.

I smile and give Jamie a wink. Tough little Anika needs her mum for this. It doesn’t surprise me one little bit. I tilt my head in the opposite direction. “I’ll wait over there.”

“Okay.” Jamie turns to Anika. “You ready?”

Anika takes a deep breath. “Ready.”

Instead of heading off to the park bench I spotted under a dense liquid amber, I find my feet rooted to the parking lot’s hot bitumen, watching my girls, hand-in-hand, head toward the man I vowed I’d never forgive, let alone see again.

As they grow closer, my father stands and walks toward them. I notice his gait no longer has that bounce I once knew. He doesn’t seem as tall, his shoulders slightly rounded, and even from here I can see his dirty blond hair is several shades lighter.

When they’re only ten metres or so apart, his steps falter. I can’t be sure from this distance, but I swear it looks like utter shock on his face.

And then his knees give out .

I tense as Jamie and Anika race to his side, their hands on him, supporting him.

Is he having a fucking heart attack?

My legs want to run toward them, but my heart keeps me frozen. What if he dies right here and now? What if he’s gone before I even make a decision about whether I want to talk to him or not?

Shaking, I take a few steps forward. Then stop. Jamie and Anika help him to his feet and guide him back to the park bench. They sit on either side of him, both holding a hand each. Since no one’s frantically pulling their phones out and calling for help, I gather he’s in no danger of keeling over.

Turning my back on them, I head to the kiosk across the road, my mouth dry from not only the heat, but the shot of adrenalin that’s ebbing from my system.

With an ice-cold can of Coke in hand, I traipse back across the scorching parking lot and take a seat under the shade of a liquid amber. As I watch, the party of three rise and head off in the opposite direction.

After I open the can and take a long drink, a notification pings on my phone.

JAMIE: Going for a walk. Once we’re out of sight, I’ll tell him you’re here. I’ll call you when we’re heading back so you can make a decision. I love you. J.

I concentrate on the positive. My first message from Jamie Evans telling me she loves me. In writing. I grin like a fool, my heart bouncing happily around in my chest.

Then I go over the rest of the message. Once again, she’s giving me an out. I can run and hide when I know they’re coming back, or I can sit here and face him.

I’ve already made my decision. The moment he fell to his knees brought all the clarity I needed.

I know, deep down, I couldn’t live with myself if he died before I hear what he has to say.

I’m under no delusion that his excuses will allow me to forgive him, but I won’t deny him the chance to put them forward.

Staring at my phone as the time ticks by, I don’t see a single thing that scrolls past on the screen. When it vibrates and rings in my hand, I almost drop the damn thing. But that’s not what has my heart knocking hard against my chest. It’s Jamie. Which means they’re heading back.

“Hey, gorgeous,” I answer.

“Hey. I’m hanging back so they can’t hear me, but you’ll see us in about five minutes.”

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

“You will?” she asks, the hope in her voice obvious.

“No promises on what the outcome might be, but I’ll try.”

“I love you,” she says so easily, so openly, as if she’s been saying it for years.

“That’s one of the main reason I’m doing this.”

She’s silent for a long moment before she says, “There must be a lot of good in the man if Mum was willing to break apart our family to be with him. Just … try to remember her last words. Open your heart.”

“I’ll try, J. I really will.” And because of her, I mean it.

It’s not long before the trio emerge through the trees. When they make their way back to the seat where my father waited earlier, he glances my way, but I don’t acknowledge him. After giving Jamie a hug, he holds Anika tighter, and she returns his embrace with enthusiasm.

Good for her.

As the sisters take a seat, my father heads my way.

I don’t want to watch him approach. I don’t want to look at his face.

So, I lean forward, rest my elbows on my knees, and stare at my phone like it’s the most fascinating thing in the world.

That doesn’t stop my heart from crashing against my sternum, my brain tearing in two.

Do I keep my distance to protect myself?

Or do I put my trust in him and risk that he might betray me again?

I’m not sure I could survive that sort of crushing blow a second time.

Too soon I hear footsteps in the grass, then he takes a seat beside me.

The silence stretches out as my heart pounds and my hands tremble.

Instead of looking at him, I raise my head and stare into the distance at the two most important people in my life.

I feel his eyes on me, but I can’t bring myself to pull my gaze from my girls.

They ground me, stabilise me. Even so, my body’s a statue, frozen between what might never be and everything that might be.

After what seems like an eternity, my father says, “Anika’s not backward in coming forward, is she?”

Smart. Neutral ground. Probably a good idea. Heart thundering so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t scared the birds from the branches above us, I finally open my mouth. “No, she’s certainly not.”

More silence. I wonder if he’s waiting for me to elaborate, or if he’s just as lost for words as I am.

“She was angry at me at first,” he offers.

“Why’s that?” I still can’t bring myself to look at him, but I’m finding strength as my gaze connects with Jamie’s. Even across this vast distance, I know she’s filled with hope.

“Because I didn’t claim her as my daughter at the time,” he explains.

“And what did you tell her?”

“I told her I’d considered it, but it wasn’t the right thing to do.

She already had a family. She’d just lost her mother.

How would ripping her from the only life she knew, the people she loved, be any good for her?

So, I put my selfishness aside. I’m not sure if that decision was the right one or not.

She told me how cold Brian Evans was to her, and now we know I left my daughter in the care of a killer.

The man who murdered the love of my life … the man who let you take the fall.”

Without thinking, I turn my head and look at him. Not for long, just a glance. Enough to see tears rolling down his face as he stares back.

“It seems, though,” he continues, “she has a sister whose heart’s big enough to make up for the love Evans refused to give her.

That’s Mattie all over.” He takes a deep breath.

“Christ, I can see parts of Mattie in Anika, but Jamie … it’s like seeing a ghost. For a moment there, when I first saw her, I thought she was my Matilda. "

“Not the eyes,” I say, wanting him to know she’s not his dead lover’s ghost. She’s very much alive, and she’s mine.

“Sorry?”

“They look similar. But not the eyes.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’ll never forget her mother’s eyes … how they looked when I tried to comfort her … how they looked when she died.”