Page 46 of Infinite as They Come (Sinful Trilogy #3)

“What do you want me to say, Sawyer?”

“Tell me. Tell me if you want to go back to New York, if that’s the life you want.

Back in the city.” He swallowed hard. “I won’t stop you.

I won’t hold you back, Holly. I don’t ever wanna get in the way of you doing what you want, of you living the life you wanna have.

If New York is where you wanna be, then tell me.

Tell me so I know, so I understand where we stand. ”

“You say that like I’m the one keeping secrets.”

“You didn’t tell me about the offer. About the email. The question is easy enough, Holly. Do you want to go back to New York or not? Is that the life you want? If you’ve been making plans, if you have all these dreams, then I have to know.”

I scoffed. “You’re asking me that when I’ve barely even seen you lately? Are you serious? There’s no reason for you to think that. ”

“You didn’t tell me you got that offer, Holly. I don’t know why else you’d keep it to yourself.”

“I didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t important.

I can’t ever imagine going back to New York.

I don’t want to go back. I’d be happy with you anywhere, but being in a place like that gets suffocating after a while, and I always imagined life being different when I finished school.

” My mind couldn’t help but travel back in time a little.

To that moment I told Sawyer all about the kind of life I wanted when I was done with school.

That house in the countryside, all quiet and surrounded by so much peace it consumed you in the best way possible. “Our life.”

“Our life…” he repeated.

My eyes darted to the side. To the window. The people, the cars, the buildings. A distraction would have been nice. “I already knew the answer before I even opened the email.”

“And what’s that answer?”

“No. Obviously. And maybe if you were around lately, I could tell you. Maybe if you didn’t leave for hours upon hours, you and me could actually talk to each other.

I don’t get why I’m the one being asked all these questions when you’re the one who’s still hiding something from me.

I’m so ready for whatever comes next for us.

For us to just be together, for us to be in love forever.

I don’t want to be in love with anyone else but you. ”

He drew in a shaky breath. “I don’t like keeping things from you, Holly. I hate it. It hurts me more than it hurts you.”

“Then help the both of us.” I finally looked back at him. “Just tell me what’s going on with you.”

Eyes fused to mine, his lips parted. He would say it. He would. He’d tell me and we could put it all behind us.

But slowly, his head shook. “I can’t.”

I wished it didn’t hurt so much, but there was something about being lied to by him that cut a little too deep.

I could take a million lies from a single person, but one from him ached in a way I didn’t think was possible.

Instead of looking at him any longer, I shoved a fork into my pancakes, neither of us even eating.

No talking, no hand holding, no shoes bumping together playfully.

The opposite to how we almost always were.

Clara eventually showed up for her shift and came up to our table with a big smile, but she seemed to almost immediately sense the too big wall of tension between me and Sawyer and politely excused herself.

We left a little while after that, and I was very quickly regretting the fact that me and Sawyer had originally walked over to the diner rather than drive, because now we were stuck with a long, uncomfortable silence.

My fingers itched to reach out and grab his hand, to hold it tight, to turn him towards me and look him in the eyes and beg him for some truth.

That felt a little pathetic, though. Wasn’t honesty supposed to be part of the package when you fell in love?

I didn’t like being lied to. I didn’t like how much it hurt when it was Sawyer doing the lying.

We got back to the motel and spent the rest of the day there. The TV was on, but it didn’t help to wash away any of that tension. It was just background noise to our fight. To whatever the hell had happened today.

When we slid into bed that night, I couldn’t even turn and rest against him. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My favorite place in the world was to be in his arms, and I never slept better than when I was curled up against him, but I found myself shuffling towards the edge of my side of the bed.

It was Sawyer’s hand on my hip that halted me. My back to him, my hands layered under the pillows, my whole body turned away from his. I hated not being all wrapped up with him. I hated being lied to more.

“Holly?” he said.

“Mm?” was the only sound I could manage to make.

“I love you.”

My eyes shut tightly. “I love you too.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you so much too.”

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don’t know what I would do without you.

Do you know that? I’d be lost without you.

” His thumb pushed up my top that little bit, exposing just a slither of skin.

He stroked his thumb against me there, soft and slow and comforting.

There it was again. That gentle caress, his oh so frequent habit of touching me like I was made of the most breakable glass.

“I’m so lucky. I know how lucky I am too. Don’t think that I don’t know.”

“I’m lucky too,” I said, eyes still closed. “I’m the luckiest girl in the world that you’re mine and I’m yours.”

He sighed. “If New York is where you wanna be…”

“I don’t wanna be in New York. If I wanted to be in New York, I’d be there now, wouldn’t I?”

“I guess.”

“I didn’t tell you about that offer because it didn’t feel important. It still doesn’t feel important. I didn’t think twice about it until you brought it up.”

“I don’t wanna hold you back from you doing what you want. You know I would never do that. I would never, ever stop you, Holly. I want you to do everything you’ve always wanted to do. I want you to be happy.”

“New York isn’t what I want.”

“Me either.”

Eyes shut tightly, I found myself clinging on to the blankets a little too harshly.

I didn’t want to ask again. Didn’t want to nag, didn’t want to push him.

But the question was there on the tip of my tongue, and it was spilling from my lips all rushed and uncontrolled before I could tell myself to stop.

“Where were you yesterday?” I asked, voice so quiet it wasn’t even a whisper. This was another chance for him to just tell me, to just be honest. It was the bare minimum. Truth. I deserved the truth.

Sawyer paused. He paused too long, and it made me wince, because what was he doing that he couldn’t tell me? What was he keeping from me? What was so bad that I couldn’t know?

“Holly…” he said, voice trailing off.

That was his answer. My name. That was it.

His voice sounded strained, like he was holding something back.

His thumb on my hip paused and I found myself inching away from him that little bit, and it made my heart sting, because usually I was doing anything but that.

All I ever wanted was him close. His arms around me, mine around his, our bodies pressed so tightly together it was like we were intertwined and couldn’t ever pull away from each other.

But that little stinging in my heart turned into an ache I felt all over, and I just found myself staying there on the other side of the bed, cold and confused and ever so slightly crushed.

“Goodnight, Sawyer,” was all I could bring myself to say.