Page 17 of Infinite as They Come (Sinful Trilogy #3)

“So was I,” I said a little too harshly.

“I was five when you left. I came home from school expecting to see you and all I got was a slap across the face. And then it just got worse from there on out. I had to learn how to defend myself against my own dad. I had to learn his weak spots so I knew how to survive another day, I had to do chores just so I’d get fed, I had to watch out every time I turned a corner because that was all it took to piss him off.

And the whole time I kept wondering where you were.

If you were okay, if you were safe, if you were alive, if you loved me, if you hated me.

He loved telling me that.” I laughed bitterly, and that was when I caught sight of the look on her face.

Wet eyes, trembling lips. Fuck, what was I doing?

I couldn’t think straight. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to rant at you like that.

Just… Just got a lot on my mind right now. I’m sorry.”

Her head shook. “No, it’s okay. Don’t say sorry. I want to know. I want to know what you’re feeling.”

“That’s why you left according to him. ‘Cause you hated me that much. That and money.”

Hand pressed to her mouth, she shook her head. “No, not at all. I left because of him, not because of you, not because of money. I loved you from before you were even born.”

“I just wish you had taken me with you,” I said.

“You’re allowed to feel this way. Angry and upset. I deserve that for what I did. I… I understand if you don’t want to see me again…”

“It’s not like that… It’s just… It wasn’t exactly easy. I had to grow up so fast. I had to learn how to take care of myself and worry every day what was gonna happen next. I don’t hate you. I never could. I know why you left, but… I’m still allowed to feel a little angry, right?”

She brushed her fingers under her wet eyes. “You are. Of course you are.”

There was silence for a long time. It was heavy and uncomfortable and I wasn’t even sure what else to say to her, because everything I wanted to say felt too fucking harsh and cruel, and she deserved better than to have me upset her more than she already was .

“I know nothing about you,” she finally said. “Can I know things? You’re not in Dallas anymore, right? That card mentioned New York. You’re my… God, you’re my son and I don’t know a thing about you.”

“I haven’t lived in Dallas in a while,” I explained. “Me and Holly are living in New York while she goes to college. Well, she’s done now. She graduated a few weeks ago from Columbia.”

Her eyes widened. “New York. Goodness, look at you. That sounds so exciting. And your girlfriend? Tell me about her. What’s she like?”

“She’s…” I laughed lowly, my head shaking a little as I tried to find the words. “She’s the best thing to ever happen to me. She’s everything. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Today wouldn’t be happening without her. I don’t think I could do this if it wasn’t for her…”

She smiled softly. “She seems very sweet.”

“She is. She’s perfect. Inside and out.” My eyes found one of the many photos on the wall: one of her and Kurt on what looked like their wedding day. Both their smiles were big, their arms wrapped around each other in a tight embrace. “What’s he like? Your husband? Is… Is he good to you?”

“Oh, Kurt’s so lovely.” She pressed a hand to her chest, warmth and fondness drenched in her voice. “Gentle. Kind. Patient.”

“Not like…”

“No,” she said, and that affectionate tone that had been there a second ago faded. “Not like him.”

“You’re happy with him? With Kurt?”

“I am. So, so happy. He’s a sweet man and so hard working. He works at a furniture warehouse not too far from here.”

“And he’s not…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. “He doesn’t…”

Her head shook. “No, never. Not even once.”

Throat clearing, I nodded. “He seems nice. Spencer too.”

“Oh, Spencer takes after his father,” she said with a big smile. “Quiet and shy. A little too shy sometimes…”

That made me frown. “Those kids were giving him a hard time the other day at the park.”

She sighed deeply. “It’s hard for him to make friends.

He’s so timid and quiet. He’s not really like the other boys he goes to school with.

I mean, half the time he’s in the garden.

He likes planting flowers. They have this program at the park you met him at.

On the weekends you can come down and take care of the garden—plant stuff, water it.

He loves things like that. He’s… He’s a little sensitive and small for his age.

I guess that puts a target on his back.”

Something weird and protective took over when she said that. That wasn’t just any kid. That was my brother. Half-brother, but still, my brother . “He doesn’t deserve that,” I said.

“He thinks you’re amazing, though,” she said as she smiled.

“He goes on and on about you and thinks you’re very brave.

‘This guy at the park helped me and those boys left me alone’.

It’s all he’s talked about. He showed me that drawing and then I flipped it over and then… Here you are in front of me.”

“Yeah,” I grumbled out, pressing a hand to the couch, and for a millisecond, the tips of our fingers met. It made me jolt as I pulled away from her touch. “Um… I should go check on Holly.”

“Will you come back again?” she asked. Like she was pleading, like how I used to sound when I was a kid, begging my dad to see her again. “I know you said you need time, and I’ll give you as much as you need, just please say you’ll let me see you again.”

Hand rubbing at the back of my neck, I nodded. “I promise I’ll come back. I just… I need to process… everything.”

“I understand. Of course. I’ll take you out to the back where Holly is.”

We both stood up, the walk to the backyard awkward and slow.

When we got outside, I found Holly sitting down at the edge of the porch with Spencer in front of her.

It was a small backyard but they had packed it with a whole heap of flowers.

It was bright, welcoming. Spencer was grasping a brown pot stacked with orange flowers in his little hands.

He spotted me and blinked his big eyes my way, setting the pot down in front of Holly.

“These are butterfly weeds,” he said, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Butterflies like to land on them. They like the color.”

“They’re so pretty,” whispered Holly, her fingers gently grazing against the petals. She must have seen me from the corner of her eye, because she looked over her shoulder at me, eyes widening as they darted between me and my mom. “Hi.”

“Hey. It’s, uh, getting kinda late,” I murmured, but it wasn’t even midday, and honestly, I just needed the tiniest bit of escape.

Holly nodded and stood up slowly, her hands smoothing out the back of her dress. She shot Spencer a bright smile, her head tilting slightly. “Thanks for showing me your flowers, Spencer. They’re so pretty.”

“That’s okay,” he said before looking at me. “You can come look at them whenever you want.”

“Sawyer has to leave now,” my mom said next to me, her hands clasped together. “I know today was a bit… much for everyone, but thank you for coming. You and Holly. Please don’t be afraid to come back again. I promise the door is always open for you. The both of you.”

“Thank you for having us,” Holly said. “It was nice meeting all of you.”

“Maybe we could see each other again soon?” my mom asked. “We could have lunch? That would be nice. Would you like to do that? Would that be okay? I would so love to see you both again.”

I could tell what she was thinking. She was worried I’d walk out the front door and never come back. What she didn’t know was that that was the last thing I wanted to do. But today? Right in that moment? I had to leave. I had to get some distance between us. I needed that breathing room.

“I’ll… I’ll let you know,” I managed to say.

Holly grasped my hand tight as my mom and Kurt guided us back through the house and the front door.

They even stood outside as me and Holly jumped in the truck, standing there as we backed out and moved along the street.

My eyes found the rearview mirror, and I could see my mom standing by the mailbox as Kurt wrapped an arm around her.

It was like he was keeping her standing as he held her to him.

They both stayed outside as we moved down the road, their bodies getting smaller and smaller in the mirror but still close together. Eventually, I couldn’t see them at all.

Me and Holly stayed quiet on the drive back to the motel.

My hand almost always found her thigh when we were driving together, but I didn’t feel steady at all.

My heart was racing and slowing down all at once as we drove before we finally pulled into the motel parking lot.

Everything felt upside down. Worse than upside down.

Like I wasn’t even living in reality anymore.

I was supposed to be focused. Supposed to be looking for a house that me and Holly would spend forever in, and now my mind felt like it was on fire.

My ears rang as we got out of the truck, went up the stairs, moved into our room, and finally sat down at the end of the bed.

I was there but I wasn’t at the same time.

“Sawyer?” Holly asked, voice a tiny whisper. “Are you okay?”

“I… I don’t know,” I mumbled.

Holly pressed her hands to my shoulders and stood in front of me. “We can talk about it. Or not. Or…”

“This was supposed to be for you,” I blurted out.

“This was supposed to be us celebrating you finishing college. All your hard work. All that stuff you did. And me trying to…” My hands scrubbed over my face.

Me trying to get to the next chapter of our lives together.

Me proving that I could be the man who would always look after her. “Me trying.”

“Trying to what?”

“It’s fucking exhausting trying all the time.”

“I know. And you do so much for me. You work so hard. I’m so lucky I have someone like you who works so hard, Sawyer. But whatever you’re feeling, you don’t have to keep it to yourself. You can talk to me. I’m here for you. I always am.”

“I don’t know what I need. I just… Her and him. My fucking brother. Christ, I knew she had moved on, but… seeing him and talking to him? Two different things. Two very, very different things. Fuck.”

Lifting my chin, I finally let my gaze settle on her face. On those eyes. Those fucking Bambi eyes. So full of worry and pain. This was all supposed to be for her and here I was having a mental breakdown.

“I’m sorry,” I said, my hands finding her hips. “This was meant to be for you. This was all meant for you, Holly.”

Her head shook wildly. “It’s okay. We can put a pause on that for now. I’m not mad about it.”

“You’re the only reason I could walk through her door,” I said. “You. You’re the reason. You get me through it all, you know that? Every last thing. I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Sawyer,” she said, eyes getting a little teary. “Tell me what you need.”

“I need… Fuck, I need something. I don’t know what I need. Something…”

“Do you wanna paint?” she asked softly. “Will that help?”

My head shook. I couldn’t come up with anything for the life of me. “I need… Fuck, just need to hold you for a little while.”

Hands still on her hips, I pulled her into my lap, my arms circling right around her.

Holly was solid. There. She was there, always so bright and warm, always with that look in her eyes that told me everything would be okay.

My fingers slid along her, moving past her waist and her back until I was cupping the back of her head, guiding her to the crook of my neck, some of that long hair getting in my mouth, but that just made me hug her tighter.

That scent of her lavender shampoo hit me and all I could do was inhale it.

She was whispering out my name, the sound so soft and sweet.

She was pulling me in deeper and deeper until all I could feel was her.

Warm. Bright. Calm. Home. Love. So much fucking love, and Christ, I loved her right back.

Minute by minute, my heart stopped racing.

I could feel it, that thumping in my chest falling to a calmed rhythm, and it was Holly who was responsible for it.

It was her keeping me grounded and steady.

No one else but her could do that. Just my girl.