Page 41 of Infinite as They Come (Sinful Trilogy #3)

Sawyer

I woke up the next day wanting to shove my hand into my brain and squeeze it hard and tight.

Maybe that would make me think clearer, because yesterday had been a mess I wasn’t expecting.

God, this whole trip had been a mess I hadn’t been ready to deal with.

It wasn’t meant to be this way. I knew finding a home for me and Holly wasn’t going to be some easy thing, but I didn’t think it’d be this hard.

I really thought I’d have it by now. That I could open up that front door, guide her inside, and say, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you in this place.”

That was the dream. The future I wanted to give her. The image, all perfect and warm in my head, had me holding her against my chest tighter as we lay there in bed. I stared down at her, her eyes closed as she let out the softest, little breaths.

We had both calmed down a little after coming back from Bartlett.

It had been a stupid fight to begin with, one that existed for different reasons for the both of us.

Holly was rightfully pissed because I had been in my head since the trip started.

I was pissed after that phone call because it had been Mandy calling to tell me that the house in Bartlett that I had my eye on had been bought right then and there as me and Holly stood on the street.

Whoever bought it made an offer over the asking price, and the starting price was already a hell of a lot for me.

I hadn’t meant to say all that mean shit to Holly.

About New York, about her wanting some big house, about Highland Park.

Holly wasn’t like that. Fuck, I knew that too well, and it was an asshole move to throw that in her face.

She didn’t care about things like that. Money, mansions, material shit that didn’t mean all that much. She wasn’t that girl.

I held her tighter to me, trying not to move too much.

She was still fast asleep, looking as innocent as ever with her slightly parted pouty lips and long dark lashes fluttering that tiny bit.

Her hair cascaded around her in gentle waves, her golden skin shimmering like she was made of fucking glitter or something.

She was too beautiful. The most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life.

My lips pressed to her forehead, kissing her there softly.

I was being too secretive, but how else were you supposed to keep a secret?

She didn’t deserve how closed off I had been lately.

All the disappearing acts, weird phone calls, sneaky text messages.

It would be over soon. It had to be over soon—for the both of us, so we could have that life she described to me years ago.

I got up, my movements slow and careful, my eyes fused to Holly’s face to make sure she didn’t wake up.

Once I was sure she was sound asleep, I pulled down the sleeve of her shirt—my shirt—that slid up during the night, snatched up a cigarette and my lighter, and moved outside after shutting the door softly behind me.

It was only after seven, probably too early to smoke, but it helped clear my head.

The heat had yet to kick in and I was thankful for the cold breeze in the air that almost calmed me down.

I stuck the cigarette between my teeth, cupping it with one hand so I could light it before I looked ahead of me.

The motel parking lot was still pretty full.

I could see a couple people lingering around.

Some families hopping into their cars, some people who were on their own sliding into theirs.

A lot of people who stayed here lived here.

It was the kind of life I was used to. Cheap, bare bones, barely scraping by.

The girl in the room behind me was used to the complete opposite.

I could have laughed at the sheer difference between us.

There were a lot of times where I couldn’t believe that it was Holly that was mine.

The rich girl who came from luxury, who had always had everything handed to her, who grew up in a house so big you could get lost in it .

The girl I used to scoff at and say mean shit to and think she was nothing but an uptight, stuck up brat, but she was anything but that. My girl was sweet. Warm. Caring. Trusting. I was the luckiest guy in the world that it was me she gave her love to. I was the one who had that privilege.

Blowing out a puff of smoke, I heard some noise behind me. It was Clara with a washing basket tucked by her hip. Her eyes were a little tired but her smile was big.

“Good morning,” she said. “Watcha doing out here by yourself?”

“Uh…” I didn’t even know. “Thinking.” And stressing. “Just thinking.”

“You seem to do that a lot.” Her eyes narrowed. “Always taking off, huh?”

I sighed. “Has Holly spoke to you about that?”

“She mentions it here and there.” She shrugged. “I don’t know what’s got you so busy, but I hope it’s worth it, because you’ve got her waiting for you.”

My hand gripped the railing in front of me tight.

“I don’t want her to do that. Wait for me.

That’s not what she’s supposed to be here for.

This whole thing was never meant to be so messy.

I don’t know what I’m doing half the time with her.

A lot of the time I’m just… doing it day by day, you know?

There’s no manual for loving a rich girl.

Someone should write that shit. I should write that shit. I might be an expert now.”

Clara snorted. “Well, she seems to like it here. Likes the people.”

“What does she even do while I’m gone?” I asked, and then a deep frown crossed my face. “Fuck, I should know that, shouldn’t I?”

“She’s been keeping herself busy. Talks to just about everyone who lives here. But…” Clara clicked her tongue. “The person she really wants hanging around seems to keep taking off.”

I winced at the visual. Holly in that room waiting for me, wondering where I am, worried about why all I keep giving her is short answers.

Nothing . Just out driving around . Art stuff .

Stupid dumb lies, and I really hated lying to Holly.

She was so open and trusting and I felt like I was taking advantage of that faith she had in me.

“I didn’t mean for things to be this way,” I said. “She worked so hard at Columbia, you know? Perfect grades, studying every night, writing for the paper every chance she got, cheer. She was so busy. She deserved to have some time for herself.”

“Yeah, she’s definitely getting some of that.”

My head hung a little low. “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, I wanted her to have a chance to just… relax and take it easy, to enjoy her time off before she started working.”

“Is she gonna work in New York? Big cities have a way of pulling you back in.”

“I…” I started. “I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it. But she likes these small towns, you know? She likes the little things. Things I didn’t think she’d ever like, but she does, and I just wanna give them to her.” My eyes closed. “I’m trying to give them to her.”

“Well, she has a lot of fun around here. Talking to people, writing about them. She likes the circus freaks, apparently.”

I chuckled lowly. “Yeah, she’s got a thing for ‘em.”

“I don’t know what you’re out doing. I don’t know you enough to know, but Holly does, and she seems to just want you to be honest. And I do hope you’re not sneaking off to see some mysterious girl you suddenly met…”

My head snapped to hers, a deep frown on my face. “No. No way. That’s not even…” No fucking chance would that ever happen. Holly was it. My future, my destiny, my everything. “No way in hell is there some other girl. Does she think that?”

Clara shrugged. “She hasn’t mentioned it. She trusts you. I’m sure she doesn’t think you’re off with some girl. She just feels a little left out. Like you’re keeping something to yourself. We all have our secrets, I guess. You can’t share everything.”

My head shook. “No, I share everything with Holly. She makes me feel like I can, like I can tell her everything.”

“But not this?”

I drew in a quick breath. “No. No, not this. Not yet. Soon. I really hope it’s soon…”

“Me too. Whatever ‘this’ may be…” Clara smiled, giving the washing basket by her hip a little shake. “I gotta take care of this. I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, see ya…”

I whipped the cigarette out of my mouth with a hiss. That had given me a lot to think about. Too much, really. Holly was part of this. She was. My life was our life, but there I had gone making her feel left out.

“Christ,” I muttered, moving back in the motel room with quiet steps.

Holly was still asleep as I put the cigarette out.

She stayed sleeping as I moved into the bathroom to wash up and shower, her eyes staying closed even by the time I came back out and joined her on the bed.

She looked damn near angelic when she slept, and I had the biggest urge to paint her.

To create every line, every curve, all her dark hair, her pretty golden skin, her plush lips.

Instead, I found myself brushing my fingers against her locks, my movements soft and slow.

I felt it in my heart. My love for her. That pure desire to have her, hold her, keep her safe for the rest of her life.

She moaned softly, eyes fluttering open, blinking a few times. Then her Bambi eyes locked to mine, a slow smile spreading across her face, all perfect and bright despite her just waking up. “Good morning, Sawyer,” she said, voice soft.

“Good morning, Holly,” I said, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay.” Groaning a little, she shrugged. “You’re up early.”

“I needed to see you,” I said, sliding a hand under the sheets, moving it up higher and higher until I found her knee. “It’s hard going so long without seeing you.”

She giggled, pressing her face into the pillows. “You’re too sweet. What did you wanna do today?”