Page 16 of Infinite as They Come (Sinful Trilogy #3)

She looked at Spencer who was staring at me with big eyes behind his glasses.

Big, but curious. “I know you two already met, but I suppose a more formal introduction is needed. Spencer, you know about Sawyer. This… This is him. This is your brother. Half-brother.” And then her gaze landed on me.

“Sawyer, this is Spencer. Your brother. Half-brother.”

Kurt moved back into the room, placing three mugs on the coffee table, but none of us reached for them.

He stood there by the lounge, that warm smile from earlier still there on his face.

I wondered if he was good to my mom. If he treated her well.

My eyes instinctively moved to her arms, zeroing in on her pale skin.

She was in a T-shirt, but I couldn’t see any bruises or cuts, but I knew how to hide my own, and I hoped she wasn’t still doing the same.

“Do you have any questions?” she asked as she glanced at Spencer.

“Where was he?” Spencer asked softly. “This whole time?”

My mom looked over at me, eyes watering for a moment. “In Dallas, remember? He was with his dad. Where… Where I used to live…”

“Oh,” Spencer said.

“And this is Holly,” my mom said, sending a smile Holly’s way. “Your brother’s girlfriend. Um, Holly, do you mind if me and Sawyer talk alone?” she asked. She placed her hands in her lap, her fingers fidgeting together. “Would that be alright?”

“Of course,” Holly said. She looked at me, eyes all wide with worry. “Are you…?”

She didn’t have to finish her sentence. I wasn’t ready and I didn’t think I ever would be, but I knew I needed to do it.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay. It’s fine.”

“You can join me and Spencer outside, Holly,” Kurt said, picking up one of the mugs. “The weather’s really nice today. I’ll bring your coffee.”

“Thank you.” Holly placed her hands on my shoulders, giving my cheek a soft kiss, her lips right by my ear. “You can do this,” she whispered. “I know you can. I meant it when I said that you’re the strongest person I know. I love you.”

I wanted to kiss her back and keep her close, but I nodded, saying that I love you too to her in my head, because I couldn’t really bring myself to complete a damn sentence in that moment. Holly gave me one last sweet smile over her shoulder before following Kurt and Spencer through the doorway.

“Kurt makes really good coffee,” my mom said, gesturing towards the round, brown coffee table in between us.

In the center sat a white milk jug stuffed with yellow flowers.

“But if you don’t like coffee, I can get you something else.

Some soda or some water. Does your girlfriend like coffee?

I should have asked her. Maybe she wants a cold drink.

It’s a little warm today. What about you?

What do you want? I should know what drinks you like.

I’m sorry, my head’s a mess right now. She probably thinks I’m so rude.

She probably thinks I’m such a bad host and an awful person and a terrible mother and I’m sure you think the same thing… ”

Hands flying up, she used them to cover up her face, and then she let out a choked sob that filled up the whole room.

It was like every other sound faded when she did that.

The light traffic outside, Holly’s gentle voice I could just barely hear as she talked to Kurt in the distance.

That disappeared, and then I was left to take in that sharp noise that hit my heart, squeezing and squeezing until I ached.

That was the reason for it. Why seeing Holly with glistening eyes always hurt for more than one reason.

Why it tore my heart into so many pieces I couldn’t even count them.

It wasn’t just because seeing my girl hurt absolutely destroyed me.

No. It was like some weird biological instinct, something buried deep inside of me that I couldn’t ever get rid of.

Shoulders shaking, my mom kept her hands pressed right up against her face.

I didn’t even realize I had crossed the room and closed that small gap between us until my hands were on her trembling arms. I didn’t know what else to do but hold her to me, her head on my shoulder as she let out a pained sounding cry that had me flinching.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, the words muffled, but they sounded so crystal clear in my head. “I’m so sorry for what I did. I hurt you so much. I know I did. There’s no excuse. You don’t have to forgive me. I don’t expect you to. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered.

“I bet you hate me. You’re allowed to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you. I promise I don’t.”

“I was so scared of him, Sawyer.”

Those words almost made me sick. They almost made me flinch a little when she pulled away from me, her lips turned into a deep frown .

“Wait, no,” she said. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. You’re not supposed to comfort me after what I did.”

We stayed quiet after that. I didn’t know what to say to her and it felt like an asshole move to just spill my guts right then and there after finally seeing her after years—especially since she was so upset.

But fuck, I was allowed to feel that pain, wasn’t I?

The loneliness, the abandonment. She ran away from a man who hated her, but that same man hated me too.

It wasn’t just that that hurt. It was her leaving without as much as a note.

Me coming home one day so ready to see her familiar face, only to be left to wonder for so many years what that face had turned into.

She left me with an ache in my heart that I thought would never heal until Holly managed to put all the pieces back together.

Little by little, day by day, she had fixed me in a way I didn’t think was possible.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

I pushed a hand through my hair. “Uh… About a million different things if I’m being honest.”

“Tell me,” she said with a nod, leaning into me. “Please tell me, Sawyer.”

My eyes closed and I scrubbed my hands over my face.

“I don’t know where to start or what to say.

There’s a lot going through my head right now.

I’ve had a lot of thoughts in my head since…

Since the day you left.” And I felt guilt hit me when I said that, especially when she let out a soft sniffle, but it was the truth.

“I thought about you every day I was without you, Sawyer. I wondered where you were, what you were doing, if you were okay. If he was… hurting you the way he hurt me.”

“Uh…” I laughed, all dry and humorless. “Yeah, he definitely was. Couldn’t get enough of it.”

“I’m so sorry. I left you with him. He was so…

Sawyer, I was so afraid every day. I know it’s not an excuse, I know, but I was terrified.

I was losing myself in that home. Every day it got worse and worse and then I literally just dropped you off at school like I always did, and I was making my way back home, and…

God, just those few minutes without him felt like bliss… ”

“Without me too,” I said before I could stop myself, the words coming out all grumbled and bitter.

She gasped. “No, no, no.”

I finally moved my hands away from my face and looked at her. It was pain looking back at me. Pain and heartache, right there, clear as day. I hadn’t meant to say that, but it had been exactly what I felt from the day she left—that whatever she found was better than her old life, better than me.

“Sawyer, no,” she said. “Don’t think that.

That’s not how it was. I ran because it felt like the only option I had left.

I wanted to bring you with me. I wanted my son.

I didn’t deserve you. You were my sweet, innocent boy, and I broke your heart.

I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t even deserve to be sitting next to you right now.

God, you should be laughing in my face. You should be telling me to never speak to you again. ”

“I don’t want that,” I said, my voice strained. “I’ve been waiting to see you since the day you left. I would forgive you. No matter how long you were gone, I would always want you back in my life. But… you just left, and… Christ, it’s hard to get over that.”

“You deserve so much better than me as your mother,” she said.

I winced at those words. “Don’t say that.

Don’t. I know why you left. You were scared and I don’t blame you for one second for doing what you felt was right.

But… What you did hurt. It hurt every day and just got worse and worse.

And it made me so angry and bitter and pissed off at the world.

At anyone. God, even Holly once upon a time.

And those people—especially her—didn’t deserve to deal with all my bullshit and I wish I could take back all those days I was mad at her. ”

“I never wanted to hurt you, Sawyer,” she whispered. “You must have felt so scared and alone.”

My brows rose. “Yeah, had to grow up pretty fast. Dad wasn’t exactly helpful…”

“I’m sorry. That’s all I can say. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please know that I never stopped thinking about you. I thought about you every day.”

I fidgeted a little on the seat, looking anywhere but her face. “You knew where I was. You never tried to see me or call me. It would have been nice to see you just once…”

“I was so scared, Sawyer.”