Page 34 of Infinite as They Come (Sinful Trilogy #3)

Sawyer

The first thing I noticed when me and Holly stepped into the fair showground was the smell of fried food.

French fries or something, with a sweet scent on top.

Cotton candy probably. The air was buzzing with the sound of screams and laughter, the sun still setting there in the distance, keeping darkness off of us for just a little while longer.

The whole place was lit up with rides and games, my eyes landing on the giant glowing Ferris wheel that I could see all the way from the entrance.

That was where we were supposed to meet. Spencer. Kurt. My mom.

The thought made me squeeze at Holly’s hand a little. She turned my way, a gentle smile on her face as she cozied up to me, her body all inviting and warm. She was warm all the time. Warm, soft, sweet, home.

Clara and Tommy were right next to us. He was rattling off everything he wanted to do. Haunted house. Hotdog. Bumper cars. Hotdog. Another hotdog. Haunted house again. In that order. I wondered how he was going to mesh with Spencer when they were so different.

“Sawyer!” I heard a voice call to my side.

My mom’s voice. There she stood, offering me a shy wave like I wasn’t her son, like she wasn’t my mother, like we didn’t even really know each other.

Kurt and Spencer were standing with her.

My fingers stayed interlocked with Holly’s as we all moved over to them.

“You guys came,” my mom said, eyes a little wide. She always said that, like she was shocked that I had come through with my promise to show up. I really hated hearing that hesitation in her voice. “Tonight should be so much fun.” Her eyes lowered to Tommy. “And who’s this?”

“This is Tommy,” Clara said, patting Tommy’s head of messy blond locks. “Say hi.”

“Hi!” Tommy called out, eyes locked on to Spencer’s.

Spencer was tugging at the end of his T-shirt, looking up at his mom and Kurt hesitantly. He even shot me a little look, and all I could do was give him a nod, the go ahead to take the leap.

“Hi,” Spencer said, voice small. “I’m… I’m Spencer.”

“What rides do you wanna do first?” Tommy blurted out. “We can do the haunted house first. I went last year, and it wasn’t even that scary.”

“Haunted house?” Spencer repeated, fingers clinging to his shirt.

“Baby, not everyone finds joy in being scared,” Clara said, fingers scratching at Tommy’s hair. “How about we walk around for a little while? And maybe play some games? You can win me something.”

Tommy’s eyes lit up. “Okay. Spencer, let’s do the ring toss. My mom says it’s rigged, but last year, I nearly won.”

“It is rigged,” Clara grumbled. “But good luck nonetheless.”

Holly’s eyes darted between mine and my mom’s. “Maybe me and Clara can take care of the boys? We’ll keep an eye on them if you two wanted to…”

“Talk.” I finished her sentence for her, eyes on my mom’s. “Do… Do you wanna talk?”

The breath she let out sounded like it hurt her, her lips trembling that little bit.

God, I felt like such an asshole. I didn’t want to put her through any pain.

Didn’t want to be the reason why she felt so unsure, but there I was, feeling unsure myself.

Scared she’d take off again, scared to let her in only for history to repeat itself.

“I’ll hang out with you ladies,” Kurt said, giving my mom’s shoulder a squeeze before pressing a kiss to her cheek. “And I’ll show you boys how to win at ring toss.”

“It’s not rigged,” Tommy said, voice all certain. “You just have to know how to throw good.”

“Spencer’s got a very steady hand,” Kurt said, patting Spencer’s head. “Let’s show ‘em how it’s done.”

Holly grasped either side of my face gently, giving me a kiss that lasted a second technically, but in my head, it was going on forever. Soft lips, soft fingers, soft everything.

“I love you,” she whispered, giving me the tiniest of smiles before leaving with Kurt and Clara and the boys.

Then it was an awkward silence. An uncomfortable one that I didn’t want to exist, because my whole life I had been waiting for the woman in front of me to come back in my life, and now that she was, now that she was there in the flesh, there were a million emotions hitting me at once, and I didn’t know how to process a single one.

“I guess we’ll just… walk around?” I rubbed a hand against the back of my neck. “If that’s okay with you.”

Her eyes softened. “Of course it’s okay, Sawyer.”

Hand out, I gestured for her to move first, and she clutched the strap of her handbag like she was hanging on for dear life.

We both stayed quiet, the emptiness between us filled with the screams of some kids running past and all that music blasting.

It should have been a good night. Me out with the girl I loved with everything in me, with my mom, with my brother who I was slowly starting to let into my life, with the man my mom loved now and who had been nothing but nice to me.

But I would be lying if I said my heart still wasn’t a little bruised.

“Thank you for coming,” she said, finally breaking the silence. “It’s so nice to see you again. I know I keep saying that, but it really is so good to see you, Sawyer.”

I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans. “Thanks for inviting me.”

“Tommy seems very sweet. Energetic, but sweet.”

“Yeah.” I laughed, looking over my shoulder. I could just make out Spencer and Tommy standing at the front of the ring toss game, and if I squinted, I could see the shyest of smiles there on Spencer’s face. “Tommy’s a good kid. Got a lot of energy, but he always means well.”

“Like you,” she said. “You were always like that. Always on the move. Could barely get you to sit down sometimes. The only time you’d sit down was when you were painting.”

“Not much has changed, honestly.”

“Holly seems to keep you grounded. It’s nice to have someone like that. Kurt… Kurt makes me feel that way. Like I can be okay. And happy. And… safe.”

I almost stopped walking when she said that. Eyes on the ground, I nodded. “Dad never made you feel like that.”

“No. No, he didn’t. And he didn’t make you feel like that either.

And I just…” She breathed out, all choked and quick and sharp.

“There I went just leaving you with him. And here I am wanting you so badly back in my life. I don’t deserve that.

How selfish, right? You should leave right now and never speak to me again. That’s what I deserve.”

She came to a stop, right there in the middle of the busy crowd.

Shaky hands lifted up to her face fast, but I saw her eyes, all wet with tears as she blinked hard, like she was trying to fight them off.

My brain was reeling, my hands reaching out for her almost on instinct as I let them rest on her shoulders.

They weren’t as frail as they used to be.

She wasn’t as frail as she used to be, all those years ago.

“Don’t cry,” I murmured, pulling her against my chest. “Please don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry for what I did. For everything he did. You deserved so much better than that. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I don’t deserve this. To see you, to feel you, to be in your life.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“It’s not.”

“I’m a terrible mother. You can say it. I know I am.”

“You’re not. Don’t say that. I never thought that.”

“It’s the truth. ”

“I forgive you, Mom.”

She froze at that. The shaking stopped in an instant, her shoulders tensing up just that little bit.

It was my first time calling her that in almost twenty years.

My first time saying those words that I knew I would have always said to her no matter how long she had been away.

It was time that I had needed, and a lot of it.

Awkward conversations and worried glances and quick touches to finally get to the moment we had both been waiting for.

“I forgive you,” I said again, because I had a feeling she needed to hear it one more time.

“I swear I do. I forgive you and it’s okay.

I don’t hate you. I never hated you. God, I missed you every day you were gone.

Don’t think that I hate you, that I don’t wanna be here with you. I love being here with you.”

She sobbed, all choked and sharp, pulling away from me just that little bit, her eyes all coated with tears. I felt my heart sink. That look . It never got any easier.

“I know I’ve been kinda… distant,” I said, eyes falling to the ground for a second.

“I never thought I’d ever get to see you again.

Hearing your voice on the phone turned my whole world upside down.

Not it in a bad way. Just… I went my whole life without you.

It doesn’t feel real having you again. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say all this to you. ”

Head tilting, her hands landed on the sides of my face. “Why are you saying sorry? You’re saying sorry to me, after what I did? You’re too sweet. Too forgiving. Not at all like your father.”

I nodded. “I don’t ever wanna be like him.”

“You’re not. I can tell you’re not. I can feel it and see it. When you’re with her.” She swallowed thickly, giving me a little smile. “When you’re with Holly. I can see how much you love her, how much she means to you. You must take such good care of her.”

“I try,” I said with a dry chuckle. “It’s not always easy being in love with a rich girl.”

A breathy laugh left her lips. “I suppose not, but you seem to be doing a good job, because that girl seems so happy.” Slowly, she patted her hands against my cheeks. “Look at you. My sweet boy. So grown up. I missed out on so much. I don’t want to miss anything else.”

“I… I don’t want you to miss anything else either,” I muttered. “Letting you back in has been really hard for me, and I’m scared… Mom, I can’t lose you again. The first time almost broke me. The second time? I don’t know if I could do it again.”