Page 44 of Infinite as They Come (Sinful Trilogy #3)

Sawyer

I had been so close. So close. So close I could literally feel it.

Twenty thousand dollars. That was what I needed, what I was missing, because some other guy had swooped the fuck in and offered to buy above the asking price.

That was twenty thousand dollars I didn’t have.

Mandy had tried. Had done her best to hold that other guy off, but money spoke all languages, and it was simple: I just didn’t have enough.

It was another day of trying to find that home only to come back empty-handed.

Today felt even worse, because I had stood there in that fucking house and could literally feel my future with Holly in there.

It had everything. Perfect spot, right amount of rooms, lemon tree.

God, I just wanted to give it to her already.

There was so much I wanted to give her, and that house really felt like it was possible.

It didn’t feel like some far off, blurry dream. It felt real.

I knew I’d never be able to get her some big palace like the one she grew up in, or fly her off to some exotic country in a private jet, or stock her wardrobe full of designer stuff, but I could give her a home.

Four walls, a warm space, a place where she felt safe and loved.

Couldn’t I give her that? Wasn’t I supposed to? It was my job to look after her.

I was pulling up into the motel parking lot before I knew it. My hands scraped over my face like that would scratch away the disappointment of today. All it did was make it worse. It made my head ache more, made me feel more tired, made that stinging in my chest triple .

Being so close to getting that house was what made it worse.

If it was totally out of reach, I could have accepted that and moved on, but the fact that it was right there and close enough for me to touch was the part that felt a little too suffocating.

Dragging myself out of the truck, I leaned up against it for a second.

I just needed a moment for the exhaustion to fade, for my brain to stop being a jumbled mess so I could think properly and clearly.

Holly was in our room. Probably bored. Annoyed.

Pissed off. She had every right to be that way, too.

I should have picked up dinner along the way. She might have been hungry.

My hands pushed through my hair like Holly would always do. I wished it was her touching me. Wished I could tell her what was going through my mind, because she always knew exactly what to say to make all that pain and frustration vanish.

“Sawyer?”

Looking up, I saw my mom standing in front of me, giving me a little wave.

She was smiling, and I liked that it didn’t look like all those shy ones she was giving me before the fair, like when she looked too hesitant to really feel it all the way.

I had been hesitant too. There was a light in her eyes now, giving them a bright sheen that I loved seeing.

She looked relaxed, lighter, happy . How she was supposed to look.

“Hey, Mom,” I said.

Her smile widened. “I won’t ever get over hearing you say that.”

“I won’t ever get over saying it.”

Laughing, she took a few steps closer to me. My head turned, and that was when I saw Kurt a few feet away with Spencer in his arms. Spencer’s eyes were shut as Kurt slid him into the car.

“He’s all tuckered out,” Mom said. “He was spending time with Tommy today. They went for a swim in the pool.”

“He’s not the only one who’s tuckered out,” I said before I could stop myself.

Her head tilted, eyes widening with worry as she took a step forward. “What’s wrong?”

Hand rubbing at the back of my neck, I shook my head. “It’s nothing. ”

“It’s something.”

“It’s just some dumb thing.”

She pressed a hand to her chest. “You can share anything with me, Sawyer.”

That hand on my neck moved to my face, fingers rubbing against my skin. “There’s just a lot on my plate right now with Holly.”

“With Holly? Did something happen?”

“I’m trying to get us to that next step, you know?

A house. No, a home . The place where we spend the rest of our lives together.

Where I can just love her and look after her.

That’s all I want to do, you know?” I said.

“And I wish I could snap my fingers and give her the world, but I can’t.

All I can give her is my love, and I’m trying to maybe give a little more than that.

Something real, you know? Four walls, a roof.

Even if it’s the size of her closet back at home, I just wanna give her something. ”

She blinked at me, a hand resting on my arm to give it a squeeze. “A house? You’re buying a house?”

“Trying to, yeah.”

“I take it she doesn’t know?”

My head shook. “If I tell her, she’ll buy it in two seconds.

She’s got enough money to buy a hundred of ‘em. I need this to come from me. To be the thing that I give her, and I just want it to be perfect, to be that home she told me she wanted a few years ago. I remember every detail she told me. God, I haven’t forgotten about it since the day she told me what she wanted.

And now we’re at that step, we’re up to that part of our lives, but this is so much harder than I thought it could ever be. ”

“And bumping into me certainly didn’t make it easier,” she said.

My eyes flew to hers. “It’s not like that. It’s not. I’m so happy I found you. It was gonna be hard either way. I’m just… I’m just getting a little tired, you know? I just wanna fast forward to the ending. To the part where I give Holly the fairytale that she’s always wanted.”

“Sawyer,” she whispered, hands landing either side of my face, her fingers soft and comforting. “Look at you. Look at how hard you’re trying.”

“Trying being the key word,” I said, laughing lowly. “Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. ”

“No, don’t say that. This isn’t easy. All the… boring adult stuff.” She smiled. “Money. Houses. Bills. Me and Kurt were there once. I suppose it feels a lot harder when it’s Holly you’re trying to do all this for.”

“Rich girls are hard to impress,” I mumbled.

She laughed, soft and easy. I loved that sound. “I suppose so, but she seems so in love with you, Sawyer. The way she looks at you? I’m so happy you found someone like that. Someone who looks at you like you’re their whole world. It seems like she’s your whole world too.”

“She is,” I said lowly. I looked over at Kurt who was leaning up against his car, eyes soft, arms crossed, and the smallest of smiles on his faces.

Me and Mom were having a moment and I appreciated him letting us share it.

Giving him a little nod, I looked back at Mom.

“I don’t wanna imagine a day where I don’t get to wake up to her. ”

“Oh, I bet she’ll be so happy when you show her that house.”

“Well, I don’t have it yet. I’m trying. Every day, I’ve been trying. I just wanna get my hands on it already so we can move in and just be together.”

“You’ll find it,” she said softly. “I know you will. You won’t give up on her.”

“I won’t. Never. But I just want to give her the best, Mom. She deserves the best.”

“Well, she has you, doesn’t she?”

Warmth rushed through my body when she said that, and I found myself swallowing hard. She has you . She did. She had all of me. Every last part of me was hers. Mind, soul, body. Heart . She had stolen it years ago and kept it tight in her hands, and I didn’t want anyone else but her to touch it.

“I’m so proud of the man you’ve become,” she said, eyes a little teary. “Fighting so hard for the girl you love. And you love her so much, don’t you?”

I nodded. “I do.”

“I bet she sees that. I can see it. I’m sure she can see it and feel it. You’ll find that house, Sawyer. You will.” A smile stretched across her lips. “And you’ll both be so happy forever in it.”

“I really hope so.”

She laughed softly and brought me in closer, pressing her lips to my cheek.

We stayed like that for a little while, the cold wind brushing up against our bodies before she had to leave.

Her and Kurt hopped in the car, and I watched them closely as they moved out on to the road and got lost in the sea of everyone else.

Eventually, I couldn’t see them anymore, and I let out a rough sounding breath before making my way up the stairs and moving into the room.

It was empty as I shut the door behind me.

The bathroom door was closed and I could hear the low hum of the shower.

I kicked my shoes off and landed on the bed, wishing so badly that I could fix everything with a click of my fingers.

Maybe I just needed to buy a fucking lottery ticket and hope and pray that I could become a millionaire overnight.

I could get Holly a hundred lemon trees then.

My eyes found Holly’s laptop that she had left open on the bed, and I was just about to set it aside so I didn’t break the thing when I saw it. Her emails were open and my eyes scanned the words before I could slap myself for snooping.

A job offer. In New York. My breathing got all trapped in my throat for a second.

There it was, what she deserved, what she had spent so much time working for.

Holly deserved some big ass fancy job in a big ass fancy office in the biggest and fanciest city in the world.

That was what girls like Holly got. They didn’t get shitty motels with tiny rooms.

I quickly shut the laptop before I could read anything else, pushing it away from me like it had burned my hands.

My heart sunk fast and hard. Was that what she wanted?

What she needed? I didn’t ever want to hold her back, and Holly always felt like she was destined for a hell of a lot.

I didn’t want to keep her chained to the ground.

The water stopped running in the background and I reached a hand out to grab the remote for the TV, switching it on like I hadn’t just seen that email.

Like I hadn’t been out all day and every other day, trying to build that life together for us by hand.

Like I wasn’t searching for perfection. Like that dream wasn’t slipping right through my fingers with me desperately trying to cling on to it.

The door opened, and Holly moved into the room with a towel wrapped around her. For a while, we just stared at each other. Her eyes on mine, mine on hers. Those Bambi eyes. Big and brown and deep and warm. I’d never get tired of seeing those eyes.

“Hi,” she said quietly, hanging there in the doorway.

“Hey,” I said, sitting up a little straighter.

“You’re back.” Her voice sounded stiff.

“Yeah, I am.” Mine sounded just as stiff.

Her eyes found the floor for a second as she pulled in a breath. “What’d you get up to today?”

I hated this. I hated lying to her, but the words spilled out of my mouth before I could control myself.

“You know I was with my mom.” It hit me then that Mom had been at the motel.

My brain was piled with problem after problem that I had completely forgotten about what I had said to Holly earlier, and I was left wondering if she had seen my mom.

If they bumped into each other. If my little white lie had blown up in my face.

Brows raising, she clasped the towel to her a little tighter. “Right.”

“I’m sorry I had to cancel our plans.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“What did… What did you do today?” I asked.

Shrugging lazily, she moved over to one of the duffel bags on the floor. “Just hung out. Went for a walk. Did some work. That sorta stuff.”

My brows pulled together. If she and my mom talked, she was keeping that to herself.

I had been expecting to hear it, for her to say the words: some fancy magazine in New York offered me a job, and I said no , but that didn’t come.

Instead, she sat at the edge of the bed, away from me, her clothes—including one of my T-shirts with a few holes in it—in a neat little pile by her side.

“I’m sorry you were all on your own,” I said.

“It was fine. I got some writing done.”

“Can I read it later?”

She nodded. Uncomfortably, like she didn’t even want to be in the same room as me. “Yeah, I can show you.”

The question was right there on the tip of my tongue. Do you want to go back? Was she considering it? Being in that world again, the one she told me she didn’t want forever? Had I been chasing a forever she didn’t even want?

But that was her life. Holly and that world made sense.

Skyscrapers, Ivy League, old money. Still, we fit together so perfectly, but if that was what she wanted, what she had worked so damn hard for, then who was I stop her?

I didn’t want to be the person who got in her way.

Hell, I didn’t want anyone getting in the way of what she wanted, but it especially couldn’t be me.

She was there on the bed, just a few feet away, but I could feel that distance. I could taste it. Bitter. Harsh. I wanted to pull her to me and hold her close, but that touchy feely Holly I loved so much wasn’t in the room.

“What’d you do today?” she asked. “I mean, how was your day with your mom?”

“It was good,” was the only thing I could say.

Her shoulders stiffened. That was all I could see with her back to me. Tight shoulders, her long hair all wet. “I’m so glad you guys got to spend the day together,” she said.

The words sounded dull, though. Like something was missing.

That softness, that sweetness that was always there when she spoke.

I kept waiting for her to say something else.

I waited for anger. Her being pissed off that I was out all day again.

I waited for confusion. Her wondering what I had been doing today, yesterday, every other day since our trip started.

I waited for her to tell me that she didn’t want New York.

That she hated that world, that she didn’t want to go back, but I just got more silence from her end.

I was pretty sure I deserved it.