Page 42 of Guarded (Hopeless Blessed #3)

“No one? What about your parents?”

I shrugged. “I was handed into Lucifer’s care as soon as I could walk and talk. I’ve only seen them twice since, and that was two times too many.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s their loss.”

“It is.” Noah took my hands in his. “My love for you can be another first. A first for me too. For romantic love that’s returned, anyway.”

I hated that Lyle had been given such a gift only to throw it away. “It will be, Noah. I’m so fucking gone for you already. I can’t see it taking much to get the rest of the way there.”

“As sweet as this is, I’m fully aware you’re avoiding talking about your nightmares.”

I groaned, my head falling back against the wall. “Can I expect you to call me on my bullshit for the rest of eternity?”

“Yep,” he said cheerily. “Every damned day.”

I grumbled as though irritated, but I wasn’t. How could I be when he was talking so easily about our future?

“You don’t have to tell me though,” Noah said softly. “There’s no rush.”

“No, you’re right. You deserve to know all of me—the good and the bad. And if I keep putting it off, it’ll only get harder.”

Noah was quiet as I gathered my thoughts. There was no pretty way to say it, so I decided to keep it simple.

“The forty-seven hours I was topside for…I spent all of them hunting down and executing a shifter clan.”

There was no swift intake of breath, no look of horror on Noah’s face. He didn’t recoil away from me or judge me in any way.

No, he just clicked his tongue and resumed stroking my arms. “That must’ve been tough.”

“It was,” I croaked. “I was used to bloodshed in Hell…but that was different. I executed them knowing there’d be no reincarnation for them. No afterlife. An entire clan was wiped from existence because of me.”

“No, because of Lucifer.” Noah sat up and twisted to face me more fully. “Because you were ordered to. You didn’t have a choice, Jem.”

“I could’ve said no. I could’ve gone on the run.”

Noah scoffed. “You would’ve been hunted down and executed yourself. You stayed alive, Jem.”

“I chose myself over an entire clan, Noah. What does that make me?”

“A survivor,” he said fiercely. “Someone who was imprisoned and tormented. Who had no fucking hope of a better future but still refused to give up on the idea.”

I blinked away tears. “I should’ve spared them.”

Noah cupped my face in his hands. “What would’ve happened if you had? To them, I mean.”

I was confused. Wasn’t the answer obvious? “They would’ve lived.”

“Would they? Because the Lucifer I’ve had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting a time or two doesn’t strike me as the forgiving type. I assume you were sent to execute them for some slight against him.”

I nodded. “They had taken control of one of the portals to Hell and used that to try and blackmail him.”

Noah groaned. “Well, fuck me. No wonder he wanted them gone. Jem, you might’ve been the one to execute them, but they’d signed their own death warrants by doing that. If you’d spared them, Lucifer would’ve had them executed by someone else. All that would’ve done was add you to the kill list.”

No…there was no way that was true.

Except…fuck. It was. Lucifer never would’ve allowed them to live after what they’d done. If I’d spared them, he would’ve simply sent another demon after them.

And then after me.

“I can almost see your brain exploding.” Noah rubbed between my brows with a small smile.

“I can’t believe I never realised that,” I murmured. “All this time, I thought it could’ve ended differently. But it couldn’t.”

“No, it couldn’t.”

“It doesn’t erase the guilt though,” I said heavily. “It makes me feel better knowing it would’ve happened regardless, but that level of loss…I think I’ll always carry it.”

“Which makes sense.” Noah sighed. “I remember every soul I’ve been asked to execute. Their faces will stay with me always.”

“Hang on, you’ve been told to execute others too?”

Noah smiled grimly. “You weren’t wrong in thinking belonging to a unit removed some of your freedoms. I’ve carried out many missions I haven’t agreed with. Angels and demons are all weapons, the only difference is in the hand that wields us.”

“I hadn’t looked at it that way.”

Noah studied me thoughtfully. “We’re more alike than you realise.

It’s okay to feel guilt over what you did, but it’s not okay to let it continue to weigh you down.

This life we live as supes…it’s not black and white.

We exist in the shades of grey in between.

Sometimes we have to do things we ’d rather not.

Sometimes, we have to prioritise ourselves over others. It’s not selfish, Jem. It’s survival.”

“Well, there’s one thing I can promise you.” I leaned my forehead against his. “I will never prioritise someone else over you. Not even myself.”

His lips curved. “Ditto.”

We stayed like that for a few minutes, just breathing each other in. Then, Noah asked, “Is that the whole nightmare? You tracking them down and killing them?”

I stiffened. I didn’t mind sharing this part with him.

It was something I’d admitted already. But I hated thinking about it—the one thing that terrified me above all others.

“No, it’s just the start. It used to be all of it, but since I got free of Hell, there’s been a new ending.

Once the final shifter is dead, I get overpowered by someone.

I never see their face. Whoever it is drags me back down to Hell and throws me at Lucifer’s feet. He looks at me and smirks.

“That’s when I wake up. When I do, all I can see is that fucking smirk. He knows he has me back under his control. That there’s nothing I can do to escape him again.”

“Oh, Jem…” Noah flattened himself against me, his arms tight around my neck. “I’m sorry. That sounds awful.”

“I hate that I’m so scared of it,” I confessed.

“Of him. Especially after meeting you. Being down there before was bad enough, but knowing you’re here?

Not being able to see or speak to you? It’d kill me, Noah.

Maybe not physically, but in every other sense.

I’ve survived everything, but I couldn’t survive that. ”

“You’ll never have to.”

I tried to smile, but my lips wouldn’t cooperate. “That’s sweet, Noah, but neither of us know what the future holds. All it would take is me pissing off the wrong supe, and I’d be back downstairs before you could stop it. ”

Noah studied me again before going to his knees. “Come on. I think we’d best have the rest of this conversation in bed.”

“In bed?”

“Yup.” Noah stood up, rivulets of water cascading through the grooves of his muscles. “Because there’s a message I need to get through your head one way or another. If telling you doesn’t work, maybe fucking it into you will.”