Page 39 of Erik

“She’s angry with you for lying to her about the . . . advanced state of your condition.” Blowing out my cheeks, I ducked my head in a nod, and Dr. Laura took Erik’s seat to cross her knees.

“I suppose she’s entitled to it. I betrayed her trust. We’re not as close as she thought. Blah . . . blah . . . blah. Frankly, she never actually told me why or what or anything, so I don’t even know what she’s feeling. You know, I spent so many years trying to make her stand up on her own, make her . . . make her havesubstance.How bitter can I really be that she’s doing what I always told her, ‘don’t trust anyone’.”

“Do you wish you’d said that to Valerie instead of Natalia?” I rolled my lips between my teeth at that probe, and my brows furrowed as I nodded again. “You know, you’re going to be here for another few hours, Natasha. Why don’t you write a letter and put it in the mail? If she reads it or not isn’t something you can control, but you can take comfort in knowing that you did all you could do.”

“You think it’d help not knowing if she read it?” Cupping her knees, Dr. Laura sat back and nodded, but I could see that she was about to ask me another question.

“Do you think it’d help knowing you wrote it?”Ah,that was the clincher, and I sniffed before my phone gave a shrillpingfor attention. Snatching it off the table, I scanned Erik’s text, and a small smile crested my cheeks.

“He got her in the car and is taking her back.”

“Well, as harsh as you were, Natasha, I don’t think it was excessive. With that, I’ll leave you to write your letter.” Dr. Laura stood up, and I flexed my fingers absently as I contemplated aletter.

God, it must’ve been over a decade since I handwrote anything.

40

Natasha

Staring at the big, red sign scrawled on the front of the building, the block letters sent a shiver lodging between my shoulder blades. Frowning at my own inability to move my feet, I crossed my arms tightly over my chest as I stared . . . and stared. I didn’t think, just . . . stared.

“Brings back memories?” Erik came up next to me, and I cleared my throat roughly as I jerked my head in a nod. “Do you need a minute?”

“You’d never think a CVS could be actually kinda important.” Fingering the envelope under my elbow, I cocked my head back as Erik hummed softly. Nibbling my lower lip, I scrunched up my nose as I rocked back on my heels. “I mean, I need these meds, apparently, and I need to stick this in the mailbox, which is right there.”

Pointing at the little, blue box on the sidewalk beside the Redbox, I wiggled my envelope absently, and Erik nodded. The letter I’d written just hours ago burned through the envelope and seared my fingertips, and I inhaled deeply in preparation. The silence stretched into awkwardness, and anxiety bored a hole straight through my gut.

“Right there.” Nodding firmly, my lips thinned in a frown, and I exhaled slowly to try to calm my nerves. Erik rubbed the back of his neck out of the corner of my eye, but there wasn’t a single twitch of a muscle from the waist down. “As in four yards away, right there?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.” I grabbed Erik’s hand, tangling our fingers, and took a huge breath as his warmth flowed up my arm. “I just have to . . . put it in. And if Valerie reads it or not, I don’t care, because I put my best foot forward.”

“Your best foot in your best footwear.” Glancing down at my plain, black wedges, I chuffed a soft laugh and lifted my foot. “Couldn’t wear those if it was snowing, you know.”

“You know, Erik, these are the first ever things I bought for leisure. It wasn’t . . . it wasn’t food. It wasn’t bare clothes just to throw on. There was no special occasion that required something nice to keep up appearances. I saw these, and I thought to myself, these aresocute. I’m gonna get them. They weren’t marked down, on sale, not a return they needed to get rid of— it was full price.” Tilting my foot to flop the laces around, I smiled as fondness bubbled up against my ribs. “I never regretted it, either.”

“They’re very pretty shoes, Natasha.” My smile widened, and I planted my God damn foot right on the asphalt. Right on the asphalt! And the soft plasticclapwas satisfying! Straightening my shoulders, I nodded to myself and tightened my grip on both Erik’s hand and the letter. He walked with me to the sidewalk, and he pulled down the flap of the mailbox with a slight creak.

And I held up the letter . . .

And I put it in the drawer . . .

And I fucking closed that door . . .

And I double checked that it fell.

Exhaling a shaky sigh, my eyelids fluttered closed, and my arms and legs felt heavy. Leaning heavily on Erik, I gulped down the dense lump in my throat, and he wrapped his arm across my front. His arm hairs tickled my chin, and I licked my lips heavily as my mouth dried. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and he cupped my head to kiss my temple.

“So, Laura prescribed you meds, enough for three months before we have to go to her practice in Seattle. Do you know what they are?” Nodding, I cleared my throat roughly as we shuffled away from the mailbox and toward the entrance to the CVS. “Have you taken them before?”

“Forcibly, yeah, after we were rescued and I got stuck in the loony bin for nine months. Not this exact stuff, but mood stabilizers and birth control, anti-anxiety meds for when it gets too rough too fast. Pretty standard.” Erik cast me a curious look, and I ducked my head and puffed out my lips thoughtfully. “It didn’t help at the time, but, I mean, they had to force it down my throat and make sure I didn’t puke it up, so . . . ”

“Alright. But you think it’ll help this time?”

“I hope so. If it doesn’t, I’ll tell Dr. Laura and we’ll work it out.” For the first time in a long time, I felt more than justokay. I felt optimistic. I felt geed. I felt unburdened. “What about you, Erik? It’s kinda crappy if I feel so great and you don’t?”

“I thrive off your prosperity, Natasha. You being happy makes me happy.” Smiling broadly, I crossed the threshold into CVS, and I paused as memories rose up behind my eyes. Pursing my lips thinly, I clenched my jaw hard and squeezed Erik’s hand, and I sucked in a sharp breath through my nose.

“Shit.” My breath was gone at my mumble, and I clutched my chest as my heart started to pound furiously. Big, calloused hands held my biceps, and goosebumps washed my arms as a cold sweat broke out under my shirt. Wheezing lightly, I squeezed my eyes shut as pressure built behind their sockets. “Shit.”