Page 21 of Erik

“Ah, my best friend, Ben. Nathan and Ben were brothers, and Nathan was the oldest and also our team leader person. After our last mission in Syria went south, and Ben died, Nathan killed himself right there in the rubble.” My heart squeezed painfully, and a horrified gasp escaped me as Erik noticeably tightened his grip on the wheel until his knuckles were white. “Fucking sucked. I was second in command, and if I had said something before, they’d both be alive. I wouldn’t have a bullet an inch from my spine, and I’d still be in right now.”

“What happened?” I knew I shouldn’t have, but Ihadto know. I had to know someone suffered as much if not more than me. Maybe, it was different, but the guilt, the shame, the horrific memories . . . those were all the same. “I . . . I mean . . . ”

“It’s fine, Natasha. Honestly, I know I’m notentirelyto blame.”By your tone, you don’t really believe that, though. “It still sucks ass. It was too difficult at the wrong points- like we were being led into a trap. And Nathan’s dumbshit self was too trusting of the packet. We don’t ask too many questions— we do our job, and that’s it. But that was a moment we should’ve stopped and reassessed. In the end, we lost Ben and Nathan, another guy got permanently crippled by the rubble, and me, well, I guess I’m lucky.”

“That’s awful.” Erik sounded so bitter in that last statement, and my heart filled as goosebumps washed my arms and across my chest. “What happened to you?”

“I got shot, and it traveled up and lodged really close to my spine. I could either transfer out into a position that wouldn’t agitate it, or I could get medically discharged with honors. I took the discharge. My dad only recently started talking to me again, and that’s just to be an asshole.” I hadn’t really caught most of Erik’s conversation with his dad that day at the coffee shop, and I nodded mutely. Emotions battered my chest, some for him but most for me, and I licked my lips as my mouth dried and my stomach roiled.

“My dad faked his death to get away from us.” The gross oversimplification earned me a curious, dark glance, and I frowned ugly under tightly knit brows. “He witnessed a murder, and got put in witness protection for the trial, and they faked his death. He never came back afterwards. He met someone, got married, and ignored us. He ‘died’ when we were twelve and a half, maybe. I saw him when I was touring for college, so I dug him up.”

“Do you blame him for what happened to you?” Puffing out my lips thoughtfully, I rolled my jaw, and I sat up fully to sniffle a shallow breath. Did I blame him? No, not really. Not for what happened to me, at least.

“I hate him for not bringing us. I hate him for so grossly misjudging our mom’s heroin addiction, because I have absolutely no doubt he knew about it. I hate him for not coming back for us, because it wouldn’t have been too late for Valerie, but I don’t think I blame him for leaving. I think he was right to run away. I blame my mom because it’s her fault. It was her drug dealer and his gang, and it was her addiction, and it was her agreement. Maybe, she even instigated it. But like I said, she’s dead, so there’s no point in blaming her anymore.” Everything was so complicated, and I sighed as my tangent faded into exhaustion. “Carlyle was good for that, at least. He was able to find her pretty fast.”

“Okay.” I could hear the tension in Erik’s tone. He wanted to ask me about it, but he didn’t think it was a good idea. For a fraction of a second, I debated not continuing the conversation, but why be hesitant at this point? Why hold back?

“I shot her in the head.” The car jostled slightly when Erik jammed down the gas pedal from his shock, and he quickly hit the brakes. A strange sort of emptiness pushed out from my chest, and I sniffed as I rested my head back against the seat. My seatbelt burned only faintly against my collar bone, and he caught my eyes in the rearview to narrow into tight points. “I’m not lying. I did kill her. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t even feel relief. She was so high. You know what she said to me? I was the ‘good one’ and she needed rent money. She didn’t even know where she was or anything.”

“Why are you telling me this, Natasha?” Propping my elbow on the window to hold my chin on my palm, I watched Erik pulled onto the curb sharply to jerk the emergency break. He twisted to face me fully, and I tensed at the dark shadows that played on his face. “You murdered someone— you realize that, right?”

“I’d do it again without hesitating. I murdered her? I took her life? At least I don’t have to worry about what information she may be feeding thosepigs.” Erik’s eyes widened in surprise, and a scornful snort escaped my nose even as I frowned nastily. “They were onto us long before Carlyle entered the picture, Erik. Valerie never knew why we moved here, and yeah, I fucking lied to her a lot. Everything I ever said to her is probably a lie. But you know what? I was right, and we had a year— awhole year— of peace and normalcy.”

“They were chasing you down? Why?” I shrugged, refusing to blink as dread flooded my chest and twisted my insides. Those were questions I couldn’t answer— didn’t want to answer— and it didn’t matter anymore, anyway. They were all dead or in hiding. Carlyle made sure of that. “What happened?”

“It was really convenient, actually. Her boyfriend cheated on her, and she found out the same day that I got a phone call from my mom saying she needed money. She called all the time— from prison, from her drug dealer, from pay phones— and I didn’t change my number because I was scared that if they couldn’t call me, they’d come find me. Valerie never knew how much Mom would call me. So, she called a couple hours after Valerie found out about the guy cheating on her, and she said . . . she needed my help. She was in a lot of debt, and they were gonna kill her if she couldn’t pay. She needed me to go down to Dallas and help her out.It’ll just take a day, maybe even less!” Scoffing loudly as Erik’s eyes glittered dangerously, I dug my nails into my cheek as a hollow laugh escaped me to release some of the pressure on my heart. “I convinced Valerie to move here. We were living in Utah at the time, and it was way too close. I spent a long, long time making sure that Valerie thought the move was natural, but . . . anyway, so when they realized I wasn’t going to, they targeted Valerie.”

“It seems like a really long and difficult thing to go through for you and your sister. I don’t get why they didn’t just use your mother when they already had her.” I shrugged again, and Erik frowned under the deep crease between his brows. “That doesn’t make sense at all, Natasha. What gang was it? You’ve obviously seen what’s going on in Dallas on the news, right?”

“Yeah, but my mom’s dead. Those guys aren’t coming after us anymore. And to be honest, Erik, ‘why’ is never a question you ask when it comes to people like that. You know that. They do it because they can, not for any reason.” If Erik noticed I was dodging the question, he didn’t show it, and he grunted lowly before retreating to the front seat. “I told you about it because . . . I don’t know. There’s no reason not to. What are you gonna do? Take me to the police station? It’s your word against mine, and you’ll never find her.”

He didn’t answer, and I unhooked my nails from my jaw to hiss softly at the sting.

22

Natasha

“Does it bother you?” Posing my question before stuffing my hard-shell taco into my mouth, I glanced over at Erik steadily. He really wasn’t good at hiding his emotions, and he nodded dully as he squirted fire sauce on his own food.

“I hate this shit. When you get shipped out, you know the guy you’re going after is evil, the worst, a psychopath or a radical or just plain insane. It’s not cut and dry anymore. You really did that, but what she did to you . . . ” We sat in a nearly abandoned taco shop on the outskirts of downtown, and Erik trailed off to scowl as confusion drenched his features. “I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“It’s easy when people tell you exactly what you should do and think and feel… That’s why I stopped going to therapy. As awful as it was, that was my life from the time I was twelve until I was sixteen and we got emancipated. It was normal for me, and I had learned to deal with it as normal. The therapist I went through tried to convince me that I wasn’t upset enough.” Shaking my head a little, I adjusted my grip on my taco as years and years therapy flashed in my mind’s eye. “Acknowledging that it was bad, and that I’m fucked up because of it . . . I did that. Agonizing over what I couldn’t change and trying to navigate it as a learning experience. I can’t do that. My therapist basically told me that succumbing to my emotions was the only way to get over it, but how are you supposed to get over it? It’s a part of my life I can’t ignore, because this is what happens.”

Gesturing to my head absently, I took a deep breath laden with the heady scent of greasy tacos, and Erik grunted softly in acknowledgment. I ignored my past way more than I should’ve, and I know that now, but I didn’t think that going into a blackout rage was a good idea, either.

“Is that why you’re agreeing to go with me? To work through it at your own pace and in a way that you think is best?” Pausing my bite with my taco shell between my teeth, I cast Erik a quizzical glance, and his lips thinned briefly. “Or is it just to distract yourself from the fact that you’re getting bad again?”

“Um, probably a little of both. To be honest, I know that I’ll probably never beokay, but that’s fine. And you know why?” He shook his head, hoisting his taco out of the boat, and a small, wistful smile stretched my lips. “Because I’d do it the same way anyway. It’s not like I didn’t have some vague idea of what was going on. I knew it wasn’t good, but I did it anyway because if it wasn’t me, it’d be Valerie. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a damn thing.”

“It must be nice to believe that. If I could go back to that night in Syria, I would do a hundred things different. Even if it didn’t make a difference in the end, I hate feeling like I didn’t do enough.” Erik took a bite off his taco, but I could see it on his face that he didn’t really taste it, and my heart ached for him. I never had friends, and I couldn’t imagine having abestfriend and then watching him die right in front of me. He swallowed harshly, opening his mouth to continue, but his cell phone rang shrill, and I jumped at the sudden interruption. “Hang on.”

Taking the edge off my own taco, I nodded while Erik fished his phone out of his pocket, and he inhaled a stabilizing breath before swiping the ‘Accept’ button with his pinky.

“What’s up, Dad? I’m a little busy.” His expression contorted in annoyance, but I couldn’t understand whatever his dad said. “I know I don’t have a job right now. That’s not why I’m busy. What do you want? I mean, yeah, I’m not busy this weekend, I don’t think.”

Casting me a brow arched in question, Erik nodded when I nodded, but the irritation never dimmed in his eyes as he turned back to his taco.

“Uh, yeah, I guess I can. I‘m not staying long enough to get accused of being a lazy piece of shit sleeping on the couch, though. Yeah, okay. I’ll see you Friday, then.” Hanging up, Erik sat back in the chair to heave a sigh, and I didn’t question him as he took a huge chunk off his taco. Today had been a weird series of intimate discussion and long, sullen silences, and he stared at the table dazedly as he chewed before swallowing and opening his mouth. “I guess I’m going to my parents’ house this weekend. My sister gets back from deployment on Thursday, and they’re having a party.”