Page 34 of Erik
“Of course, I do. It started again after I shot my mom in the head at point blank range, but it hasn’t happened in about two years.” Staring directly at my dad as I said those damning words, I flicked my wrist in dismissal, and Luke gingerly took my not-flaming fingers. “I also had such a raging, unchecked case of gonorrhea that I can’t have kids, and also, I have chromophobia.”
“You’re seriously diagnosed with a fear of colors?” Luke cleared his throat of its mystification, and I jerked my head in a nod as his cheeks twitched in discomfort. “Ah, what else, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“I’ll draw up a list.” Sinking into the hard dining room chair, I sniffed hard, and my dad still hadn’t moved a single inch even as his wife shuffled away from him. My mind whirred hastily, and I rolled my jaw and licked my teeth as my mouth dried. She was crying, hard, shivering, and the faintest twinge of guilt struck my chest. “You’re prettier than your pictures. I didn’t want this to happen. I was going to ignore it.”
Kathy jumped with a sputtering gasp, gripping the edge of the breakfast bar tightly, and I pulled an ugly scowl. She was Erik’s mom’s sister, I thought, and it was pretty damn obvious that she had no idea about anything.
And I felt bad, but, like,come on.
“When they stuck my ass in the hospital after we got rescued, the psychologists didn’t want to let us out. I was absolutely certifiable, way too calm, because at that point it’d been going on for a while. At least a couple months. And also, you know how bad those assholes tried to get the truth? It was aggravating, even at thirteen. Anyway, I was there for nine months, and Valerie stayed even longer because, I mean, she’d been . . . at least I was used to it.” Sniffing hard, I flexed my ravaged knuckles as a darkness engulfed the room. “What can you do about it, really. Anyway, I was diagnosed with chromophobia, cardiomyopathy, gonorrhea, and a few other STDs . . . and the usual shit. I’d been doped up, so I went through detox— severe dehydration and food depravation, and let’s not forget the bad breath.”
My eyes were dry, and I winced when Luke tugged the bandage across my knuckles and around my palm. The aching in my chest slowly died down, and my breathing evened out as the silence rang in my ears. Gulping down the fiery ball lodged in my throat, I closed my eyes and took a huge breath before forcing my gaze to Erik for the first time in a while.
He was obviously having a tough time, and my gut churned at the tumultuous emotions battling in his eyes.
“I’m great at parties, aren’t I?”
35
Erik
“What did you not tell Luke?” We were alone while Luke and Jason waited for an ambulance to takeMike—orDonald—or whoever the fuck he was, to the hospital. He might actually lose his eye, but hey, it was more than he deserved, in my opinion. Gulping down straight from her wine bottle, Natasha didn’t answer immediately, but I gave her time.
Propping my elbows on my knees, I clenched and released my fists together as my brain furiously tried to keep up with the last forty-five minutes. By marriage, Natasha and I were cousins, which I wasn’t sure how that worked. She clearly felt something for my aunt and the girls, but she was too angry at her father to care. Everyone in the back yard had heard her screaming through the stupidly open sliding doors in the living room, so the secret was out regardless.
As much as I was glad I was right, I knew this was no time for a victory lap, and Natasha set the bottle down hard on the table to wipe her mouth with the back of her free hand.
“Hah-h-h. You noticed that. I should’ve known.” A grimness twitched my lips up, and Natasha reached to cover my fists with her uninjured hand and sighed heavily. “Stress-related cardiomyopathy doesn’t really kill heart cells, it stuns them, which is inarguably not as bad. I’m extremely high-risk for a real heart attack, though. At least, I was at the time of being diagnosed. I haven’t actually been to a doctor since then, except the dentist.”
“So, even if you were emotionally stable enough to have sex, you can’t because your heart would explode?”
“A particularly low-fiber couple of meals could probably do it.” The confession crushed down on my ribs and shoulders, and a shuddering breath escaped between my tightly clenched teeth. “Are you going to try to convince me to go to the hospital to get an updated checkup?”
“I want you to.” Surprise rocketed through me when Natasha nodded and stood up, and I pushed myself out of the chair and onto weak knees. “Wait, you’re actually gonna go?”
“We’ve been sitting here for, like, five minutes, Erik, and I realized something. And, oddly enough, it’s not about my dad. It’s about Valerie.” My brows drew sharply together, and Natasha flexed her injured hand, the bandages creaking overly loud in my ears. “There’s so much wrong with me, but there’s not nearly as much wrong with her. How awesome is that?”
“Are you being facetious?” She shook her head, her shoulders touching her ears when she inhaled a shallow, staggering breath, and my frown deepened. “Why would that be awesome? How is any of this even remotely good, Natasha?”
“It means that everything was for something.” Stiffening at the lilt in her tone, I sucked in a sharp breath as Natasha’s eyes brimmed red, and she exhaled shakily. “Saying it all out loud . . . I’ve never done that before. It made me realize that, yeah, at the time, I failed hard. I couldn’t keep Valerie out far enough, and horrible things happened to her because of my failure. But, you know, I worked hard. I worked really, really,reallyhard, and she went tocollege, she hasskills, she’s humble and kind and she canfeel.I wouldn’t have doubled down and forced her so hard, and she wouldn’t have been so susceptible, if that initial failure hadn’t happened.”
“That’s such a fucked-up way of saying ‘failure breeds success’, Natasha.” I mean, I understood where she was coming from, but I didn’t like it. Natasha smiled warmly at my grumble, and I rubbed my head with both my palms to cover my temples with my forearms. “I honestly don’t know what to do, now.”
“I’d like to stay and eat. Also, I should apologize . . . a lot.” I couldn’t exactly argue with that, so I simply nodded, and Natasha’s smile became a little warmer. “Those diagnoses were a long time ago. Maybe, things got better. I never had a reason to check. Besides, that episode I had a few days ago, that was the worst one ever, and it wasn’t because of the memories or the trauma. It was because of you, and I think that’s telling in itself.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.” Just when I thought things couldn’t get crazier, they had. And in the most fucked up, unpredictable, unmanageable way possible. Natasha’s smile widened a sliver, and I swung my arms down to release some tension. “If you want to stay, we can stay.”
“Doyouwant to stay?” She shuffled the few feet to me to rest her forehead on my chest, and I cupped the back of her head as I grumbled in thought. I should’ve known Natasha wasn’t going to run away with her tail between her legs— she was going to face it head-on. This was her mess, or at least, that was how she saw it. The very least she could do was apologize for it.
Whatever happened outside of that was beyond her control, and she knew trying was futile. Anyone who heard her yelling at her dad understood that she’d been through some shit. We all had demons, and hers were just a little more ravenous. We’d all killed people at some point, under some circumstance, for some reason we were forced to acknowledge.
If nothing else, my family probably had a very healthy respect for Natasha and what she endured and how she dealt with it.
“I do. I would be a shitty honor guard if I left you alone, Natasha.” She huffed, the warmth of her breath seeping through my t-shirt, and I inhaled deeply to clear my throat. Stepping back, Natasha pushed herself onto her toes, and the feathery brush of her lips on my chin sent prickles down my neck and across my face. Tensing as she fisted my shirt, I clenched my jaw hard and tried not to flex my hand, and her lips lingered for a second before she pulled back.
“Everyone else moved on a long time ago. It’s about time I did, too.” But we both knew that was easier said than done. Natasha’s episodes weren’t as bad, her nightmares weren’t as bad, but they still happened almost daily. Only nodded curtly, I dropped my hand from her scalp, and her smile faltered some. The faint whirr of an ambulance siren burst into my scope of comprehension, and I reached to gently brush her bottom lip with my thumb.
“No pressure . . . no rush.” How did things get so bad only to calm down so easily? The question had no answer, and Natasha nodded with a little sparkle of relief in her eye. “I don’t think you’re sexy, anyway.”