Page 3 of Erik

“Why don’t you move out?” A harsh bark of laughter burst from me, humorless and scratchy, and I frowned darkly. Illya was really understanding, maybe because she went through something of the same? I didn’t know, and I wasn’t going to ask. “It’s not so scary to move on once you start, you know.”

“I don’t. It’s always been Val and me, Nat and Val, Val and Nat . . . for twenty-five years. How am I supposed to make that change? I mean, sure, I don’twantValerie and I to be like this, but we are. At least, I am.” Sniffling a shallow breath as we walked toward the elevator, I crossed my arms under my bust to huff sharply. “And I am happy for her— I’m just not happy for me, and that’s the suckiest feeling. Like, what, am I supposed to be a third wheel forever? I’ve never been on a date. I had friends in college, but those didn’t last because I partied really hard. Besides, Valerie’s the talented one. Even if I was better than average at something, I wouldn’t know what it is.”

Illya punched the button on the wall, and I leaned against the warm surface to close my eyes and flop my head back. She didn’t reply immediately, but I didn’t really care. I was just venting, and in the morning, I’d feel better.

It was the damn nightmares that got me. They started a few weeks ago and got steadily worse and more frequent.

“Well, I’ll be your friend, Natasha.” Cracking open an eye, I pursed my lips thinly when Illya held out a hand, and the makings of a grin crested her cheeks. Reaching out slowly, I took her fingers in mine, and her soft palm sent tingles and goosebumps up my arm. “I hope you like going really fast.”

3

Natasha

Gripping the handle above my window, I laughed a little hysterically as Illya sped down plowed, dry, completely empty streets. The tires squealed when she barely slowed to take a turn, but she didn’t lose control of the car. Pop music blasted from the speakers, and I swayed and wiggled to the beat as it poured out of the open windows.

She drove so fast that my nightmares were left far behind, and I sat up a little as I rolled my shoulders to the music. Puffing out my lips, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face even then, and I arched against the heated seat.

“ ?It ain’t about the money, money, money.?” Raising my arm as I sang along, I swerved my head, and Illya giggled as a gust of wind blasted me in the face. The frigid breeze dried the sweat on my skin, and the heat against my back clashed as it struggled to encompass me entirely. If this car was a convertible, I’d be in Heaven, but I knew that was asking too much.

Honestly, it was shocking Illya was allowed to drive at all. She was a maniac behind the wheel, and I really, truly understood why Theo didn’t let her drive his car.

But Theo and Carlyle weren’t here, so . . .

Adrenaline surged through me, and I curled my toes in my boots as Illya reached to turn down the music. The huge sign for CVS came up on us almost before I noticed it, and she burned out into the parking lot. Cackling under the screeching protect of the tires, I jostled around to the sway of the vehicle, and she came to an abrupt stop to double park between two spaces.

“That was awesome. You’re a really good driver.” Rolling up the windows, Illyablushedat my breathless praise, and I tapped the dash as tingles numbed my fingers. “I’ll go for a drive with you any day, Illya.”

“See, just because I like going fast doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing, okay. Tell that to Theo.” She paused to climb out of the car, and I followed suit to hop from foot to foot just to release some energy. Who knew going zero to fifty-five in a fraction of a second would feel soliberating? “I used to drag race when I was a teenager. Did you know that, Natasha? We’d go out to this mudflat and race trucks. It was so much fun.”

“That sounds like fun.” Walking into the store, the shift from cold air to warm prickled up my spine, and everything just . . . stopped. Pausing mid-step, I stared down at the overused carpet through blown pupils, and blood drummed loudly in my ears. My chest tightened to squeeze my heart, and a ringing sounded beyond its furious beating.

Fishing out the few crumpled bills in my pocket, I straightened and ironed them between my palms, and Valerie wandered off toward the refrigerated section without me. She was talking on and on about school, but, like, we were in the same class, so I knew all this already? Carefully counting the small bills, I ground my teeth as dread gnawed at my gut.

“I’m gonna have to go back.” We weren’t going to make it to the first of the next month. Glancing up at Valerie’s back, my jaw ached from how hard I clenched my teeth. Our birthday was on the first, and God only knew Mom wasn’t going to remember or do anything.

Birthdays were expensive, though. I didn’t have twenty dollars to spare, unless . . .

“—asha . . . ” Blinking hard, I sucked in a sharp breath and hissed an exhale, and I clenched my hands into tight fists by my sides. Illya’s concerned, cautious eyes locked on mine, but all of her was a blur, and I frowned under furrowed brows. She had green hair right now— I hadn’t even noticed that until now— and I could feel her staring at me. “Natasha? Are you okay?”

“I forgot my wallet. I’m gonna have to go back.”

“Hey, hey, hey . . . ” Was it something I said? Illya grabbed my hand, stuttering quickly, and I tensed as her wary expression came into focus. “I’m paying, remember?”

“Where’d you get money? Who gave it to you?” I watched myself grab Illya’s cheeks, and she went wide-eyed as her brows wiggled in uncertainty. “I told you not to take money from them. Why can’t you just listen for once? I told you never ever. They’re not nice guys. No one is nice for no reason.”

“Natasha, it’s me, Illya.” When I blinked, she was right in front of me, and I released her face to frown ugly when she rubbed my arms. “It’s okay. Let’s go somewhere else.”

“We’re already here.” Anxiety gnawed at my gut, but Illya didn’t ask me any questions even though I could see them play behind her eyes. Ducking my head, I side-stepped around her and walked down the makeup aisle just because it was close.This can’t be happening again.

This was a pretty large CVS, and I walked around searching for the NyQuil, ZzzQuil, or Extra Strength Tylenol Nighttime Relief, or even a huge bottle of melatonin. Everything moved around me, and I reached to scratch my scalp when all I wanted to do was just bang my head on a really hard surface. My hands shook, my eyes achy and teary, and I wheezed rasping breaths as my boots scraped against the carpet.

“I’m just having a bad night. It’ll be okay.” But, even to me, my own voice sounded so unconvincing that it roiled my stomach, and I sat on the floor before my knees gave out on me. Burying my hands in my matted, sweat-hardened hair, I struggled to breathe as I rocked back and forth, squeezing my eyes shut in a futile attempt to concentrate. “I’m fine. I’m okay. It’ll be fine.”

Life was a huge shit pile where the occasional flower somehow sprouted, but even then, it eventually died from all the toxic waste around it. When things seemed to be going so well, something had to go wrong— that was the law of the universe.

“I just have to keep going.” My voice shook with uncertainty, and I shuttered my lids tighter until blacker than black spots assaulted their backs. Just keep trudging on. Just deal with it and move on.

“Excuse me, miss?” Glancing up from under damp lashes, I tensed as a cop in full winter gear crouched next to me. “Everything alright?”