Page 13 of Erik
Honestly, I hoped that if I gave a little, she’d give a little, and Natasha grabbed the package of bacon to cut off the top. Turning back to the potatoes, I clenched my jaw hard, and awkwardness wiggled deep between my lungs.
“I almost didn’t graduate on time. I had to take night classes and online courses after Valerie and I got emancipated when we were sixteen.” Grinding my teeth at the hesitancy in her tone, I couldn’t help but wonder why Natasha hadn’t kicked me out. My cheek still stung from her smack, and the metal plate holding my rib together ached from the emotional impact of that hit. “I liked the snow . . . until it turned brown.”
“Yeah, it’s nice the first few weeks, but then you just want it to end.”
Everything that came out of my mouth was so damn stupid. Groaning softly in self-disgust, I took a right turn toward the gym and hoped the routine would stop my head from spinning.
13
Natasha
Me: Come over tonight.Rolling my lips between my teeth, I locked my phone absently, and the screen went dark to show my anxiety-riddled expression. Closing my eyes, I rested my head against the back of the sofa and sunk into the cushions with a huge sigh.
“I don’t know what your plan is, but it probably sounds bad, Nat.” Valerie sat next to me, a bowl of spaghetti and sauce in her hands, and I scrunched up my face at her unwanted advice. “Why are you hanging around the guy that did that to you? I don’t get it.”
“When he showed up the other night . . . ” Mumbling softly, the taste of meat sauce clung to the roof of my mouth, and I licked my lips heavily. “It was nice. Erik was genuinely remorseful, and he really does want to make it right. Plus, I mean, he’s hot— what can I say?”
But my sister saw through my shit easily, casting me a long, drawn look, and I scoffed as I picked up my fork and stabbed into my pasta. If there was one guy who was the complete opposite build and stature of what I was ‘used’ to, it was Erik. He was broad, with at least an inch shoulder width on Theo, and he was tall, and he wasbaldin a good way.
“Nat, if you feel like you want to try having sex, you should just say it.” My throat tightened at that, and I twirled my fork to gather up some noodles as Valerie nudged my shoulder with hers. “It’s okay, I promise. It just takes some getting used to.”
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” Taking a huge bite off my fork to halt the conversation, my mind continued to whirl as the silence enclosed on the living room. Seeing Erik talking to his dad at the coffee shop made him seem so normal, and it really hit home that he was as lost as I was. From what snippets of conversation I heard, his dad was an ass, and he was living in a city he didn’t like, doing a job he didn’t like, for no other reason than he felt he had to.
Sounds super familiar, huh?
Side-eyeing Valerie, I chewed slowly as I examined her face, and she practically glowed. She was doing so good— so good— and I wanted to do so good, too. God didn’t exist, but fuck it all if I wasn’t going to try. Bitterness stained my tongue, souring my food, and I swallowed hard before pushing myself forward to grab my glass of wine.
She never had to try for shit— all she had to do was show up, and everything happened in her favor.
My phone buzzed, and I set down the glass to grab it as my sister trained her attention on the television.
“Oh, this is my schedule for March. This was a really good idea, Valerie. I make a good amount of money, and the website does most of the work.” Scanning my completely booked month of March in Spain, Mexico, and Brazil, I smiled happily as my sister nodded out of the corner of my eye. “I mean, I already paid Carlyle back for loaning me money to set up security cameras, which I wasn’t expecting. I knew it was a great idea when I thought of it, but it’s better than I expected.”
“Considering your prices are, like, half of what they should be right now, I’m not surprised.” Nodding firmly, I locked my cell again, and the brief distraction sucked the air from my lungs in a satisfied sigh. I wanted to get my credibility up, and for that, I needed to attract vacationers, which means I needed to keep it cheap. Come May, I’d bump up the price a little, but I had a plan, and I was going to stick to it. “Look, on the news.”
Pointing her fork at the TV, Valerie frowned under furrowed brows, and I mimicked her expression as I trained my gaze on the distant point beyond the coffee table.
“Authorities in Dallas are have officially declared the rash of murders these past months the result of mounting tensions between local gangs. Here’s more from Chief of Police Spencer Montgomery.”The newswoman paused and I snatched the remote to turn up the volume before the screen flickered to what looked like a police conference room.“Continuing the investigation of the slew of murders of known Baron Ninety-Nine gang members with the same determination as any other murder. The general public will continue to be under curfew advisement until we have more information. As of today, based on what evidence we’ve gathered during the course of our investigation, this department can confirm that the explosion that occurred in November is the direct cause of this war.”
My brows rose in surprise, and I pursed my lips thinly as that hectic time flashed in my mind’s eye. So, Carlyle had a plan when he blew up Pedro Gonzalez’s warehouse— he used it to cover up what was essentially a genocide.He’s scary smart when it comes to this kind of thing. Or he’s just plain scary.
“Valerie.” Speaking up as the police chief continued droning on and on, I picked up my garlic bread as she hummed softly next to me. “If you weren’t expressly told about Carlyle, do you think you ever would’ve found out?”
“Of course not, Natasha. Is that what you’re worried about? That this Erik guy will find out?” Puffing out my lips thoughtfully, I bopped my head side to side, and Valerie giggled a little as I scrunched up my face. “He’s no Sherlock Holmes, huh?”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’d ever figure it out by himself. He just doesn’t think that way. I noticed that he takes everything at face value even when they’re blatant lies or manipulated stories. Erik doesn’t question anything too much, which is nice.” Trailing off as our past encounters raced behind my lids when I blinked, I stuffed my mouth full of spaghetti as Valerie nodded in understanding. Erik ran with whatever information someone plopped in front of him. That was how he was conditioned to operate. He’d said it himself that he basically grew up in the military, and he was a soldier through and through. He received orders and executed them, and he sure as shit didn’t question them.
“He’s not a bad guy, he just trusts people too easily. Erik’s partner was his senior, so now that I think about it, I’m not really that surprised that Erik followed him despite feeling it was wrong.” Thoughtfulness inflected my tone, and I inhaled deeply as I set my bowl on the table to take up my wine glass again. The white liquid swirled so beautiful, and Valerie hummed around her mouthful in acknowledgment. “I don’t know. The more I see him, the more I think he’s like me— he got swept up in some shit because he trusted the wrong person.”
“We were kids, and we trusted our own mom because that’s what you’re supposed to do, Natasha.” Taking a large gulp of my wine, I drained the glass, and I grabbed the bottle as I fought a dark scowl. “She’s dead, okay. You have to let it go.”
“You don’t knowshitabout it, Val.” My nasty snarl pulled a shocked gasp from my sister, and I glared hotly at her as venom dribbled from my tongue. Her eyes widened, but I didn’t feel the need to restrain myself in this moment. “I can’t let it go, and it doesn’t matter that she’s dead. It doesn’t even matter that I was the one that pulled the trigger. The only thing that matters—truly matters— is I don’t forget why I’m so fucked up.”
“That doesn’t mean you’d forget, but maybe you’d find some peace.” A sharp, scornful, hollow laugh burst from my throat, and Valerie frowned as she shot me a hard look. “When were you gonna tell me you were having nightmares again, then?”
Tensing at the accusatory tone, I scoffed loudly, and anger seared through my chest to overwhelm all my other, even worse, emotions. Valerie held my gaze firmly, eyes flaring with determination and worry, and I licked my dry lips as fire seeped from my nostrils.
“I wasn’t going to at all. I dealt with it before, I can deal with it again. I’m not going to forget, Valerie, and I’m not going to forgive. And I sure as shit am not going to accept that this is my life, never being able to shake a man’s hand, let alone . . . ” Trailing off softly, I stood up after a few, terse seconds to walk to the kitchen, and Valerie didn’t follow me. Lifting the wine bottle to my lips, I chugged straight out, and my eyes ached as the last two years of my life flashed behind my tightly shuttered lids.