Page 6 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

Son of a bitch . Nothing I did stopped Thad’s words from playing on a constant loop. He had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I couldn’t reach out and take anything. My life was gone. The most important parts of me dead.

My phone rang, pulling me from the ugliness that was my life.

Zane Lewis.

Fuck .

“Yo, Zane.”

“In five minutes Tex is gonna call you with new intel on Ashaki Maloof. But before he does, we need to talk.”

I bowed my head and clenched my jaw. Zane wasn’t about dramatics—if he had something to say, he said it.

He wasn’t the type of man to mince words or care about shit like feelings.

The fact he’d prefaced whatever it was he needed to say with ‘we need to talk’ and the way he’d softened his tone told me I didn’t want to hear a damn thing he was going to say.

“Zane—”

“I know.”

“You know what? ”

“Everything.”

“Come again?”

“When you came to work for me I looked into you. I found what I was looking for and didn’t dig deeper. Then all that shit went down with Erin and I was giving you the Gold Team. I dug deeper. So I know—everything.”

“What the fuck? You had no right—”

“I did, Declan. I needed to know before I gave you a team you were prepared to lead it. I figured it was the CIA that had fucked you up, but I had to know where your head was at.”

“Right. So you know.”

“I know,” he unnecessarily confirmed. “I didn’t share. I did the research myself, I did it safe, and not a single person knows what I found or that I was looking.”

“And you’re telling me this now…”

“I’m telling you this now because I’ve given you time to readjust. To get to know your sister, to build friendships, to bond with your men. And now it’s time for you to let them in.”

Too late for that.

Whatever bonds had been built, whatever trust had been gained, was gone.

I’d kept something from the team knowing they’d be pissed.

I’d been selfish and I would continue to be selfish.

I didn’t give the first fuck if it pissed Thad off, but I wasn’t giving up Autumn.

I couldn’t. The only thing I had to live for was those few hours she gave me.

Those hours were the only time I felt human, and there was zero chance I was letting that go.

“Zane, you gotta know, if you haven’t already you probably will be getting a call from one or all of the team.”

There was a heavy sigh and string of colorful expletives before Zane said, “They found out about Autumn before you could tell them? ”

My body went stiff and my fist tightened around my phone.

“Have you been following me?”

“Fuck no. But I’ve been tracking Autumn since she saved your sorry-assed life and I promised Emerson I’d do what I could to get her sister clear from the path of fucked-up revenge she’s been living.

So I knew when she arrived in Annapolis.

I knew where she lived, who she talked to, where she went, and what visitors she had.

I hoped you’d have a chance to tell them before they figured it out. I take it that didn’t happen.”

My mind raced with the knowledge that Zane knew.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“To who? You? Figured you already knew you were hitting her house five nights a week.”

Christ, Zane could be annoying when he was being sarcastic.

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew, or tell Thad or Emerson that Autumn was in town?”

“We all have reasons for doing what we do. Autumn has her own personal reasons for not wanting to get close to her sister and I understand why. Emerson is tough, no doubt, but under all of that, she’s got a big heart, a soft spot that Thad works his ass off to protect.

Emmy can’t understand why Autumn won’t walk away.

Thad does understand so he’s in the middle—he wants to give his wife what she wants but he knows Autumn’s not ready, she may never be ready, and Thad’s gotta prepare Emmy for that.

With all of that, I wasn’t gonna put him in a position to keep something from his woman.

I also knew that with you there, you’d watch out for her so there was no need to alert anyone else. ”

Zane was correct, Emerson needed to prepare. Autumn was not the sister she remembered and never would be. The sisters nearly looked identical, but that was where the similarities ended. Emmy was sweet to her core and there wasn’t a damn thing sweet about Autumn.

“And me?”

“I had my reasons.”

“You gonna share those?”

“No.”

“Just no?”

“You gotta trust me.”

What the fuck? Trust ?

“You want me to trust you after you went behind my back, dug into my personal life, and sat on that information?”

“This isn’t the CIA,” he weirdly stated.

“No shit?”

“I’m not some fuckstick who’s lookin’ into your past trying to dredge up some shit to hold in my back pocket, only to pull it out to control you or use against you.

I looked because I needed to know. But also because I saw a brother in so much fucking pain it oozed from him.

Pain that I thought I recognized as the scars of war, of burying good men.

I was wrong, your loss is worse—unimaginable.

So I held onto that information until you needed me to use it.

And, Declan, I’m telling you it’s time. None of those men will fully comprehend all that you lost, but they’ll get you through.

Shit’s about to blow up and when it does, you’re gonna need them at your back.

And when all of this is over, I suggest you carve out some time and talk to your sister.

She deserves to know about her namesake. ”

“Don’t go there,” I ground out. “My daughter’s off-limits.”

“She’s not, Declan. She existed. She’s a part of you. She’s a part of Violet and you need to talk to her.”

“That’s a fuck no, Zane. She’s been through enough. She’s happy, she has a family, and I’m not piling my shit on her.”

“You’re part of that family—”

“Drop it. Serious as fuck, Zane. Leave it alone.”

“Wake the fuck up, Dec. Before it’s too late. Before you’ve wasted your life. You got people all around you who care. Who would carry the load, walk through fire for you. Open your goddamn eyes.”

Zane disconnected and my head throbbed. For a man who was so smart, he was dumb as fuck. It was already too late. There was no life to waste because mine had ended in Brazil.

“You have a daughter?” Autumn whispered.

Fucking, fucking , Christ .

My hand automatically went to my chest and covered my tattoo. The only thing I had left of Violet. Searing pain shot through my body and pierced the hard shell around my heart.

“Don’t,” I warned.

“Don’t what?”

I turned and realized my mistake. I’d been so pissed when I came back inside the house I didn’t close the bedroom door.

“Don’t ask and don’t ever bring it up again.”

“Okay.”

Fucking, fucking , Christ .

There it was. The reason I was going to continue to be a selfish fuck.

The reason why I didn’t care if Thad was pissed.

Not a flinch, not narrowing of her eyes, no sign of hurt.

She knew. Autumn knew there were things I wouldn’t ever share and she never pushed.

When we hit a topic that one of us didn’t want to discuss, we moved on, neither of us questioned the other.

Therefore we were free to be who we were—two broken, soulless people.

And there was no guilt on either of our parts.

“I wanted to tell you my contact just called. Word is, Madeleine will be at the clinic tomorrow for a photo op.”

“Who’s your contact?”

“Ashaki Maloof.”

Jesus, I was tired of hearing that woman’s name.

“I don’t trust that woman.”

“So? I do. She’s never given me bad intel.”

What the hell ?

My phone rang and I glanced at the screen.

“We gotta take this,” I told Autumn.

“We?”

“The whole team,” I clarified.

“Tex,” I answered the call. “I’m getting the team together now.”

“Before you do that, I wanted a minute.”

“You know, too,” I sighed.

“If by know you mean I know about Juliana and Violet, yes I know.”

Another stab to my heart.

“Jesus Christ. Does anyone around here not mind their own fuckin’ business?”

“My business is to know everything there is to know,” Tex returned.

“So why are you bringing this up now?”

“Because with Autumn in play—”

I glanced at the woman in question. Blank, impassive, dead just like me.

“Not going there because there’s nowhere to go with that.”

Brooks stopped in front of the door and lifted his chin in question.

Perfect timing.

“Brooks is here, let me get the rest of the team.”

Tex mumbled something under his breath about me being a stubborn jackass. He was wrong, I wasn’t stubborn, I was right.

“It’s Tex,” I told Brooks. “He’s got intel for us. Grab the team.”

With another jerk of his chin, he left, Autumn followed, and I took a breath that did nothing to calm the throbbing in my chest.

When would the pain end? When would the day come where I could think about my baby girl and not want to crumble to the floor? Why the fuck had they been taken?