Page 20 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

What the fuck was wrong with me ?

Autumn.

That’s what was wrong.

Fucking, fucking , shit .

I’d lost it. Totally melted down. And fucked up huge.

I barely made it to Autumn’s couch before my legs gave way. My ass hit the cushion, my elbows went to my knees, and I hung my head in defeat.

In shame.

Absolute shame.

What the hell had I done ?

I would’ve left if I trusted my legs not to buckle.

No, that was a goddamned lie. I would’ve left if I was a better man.

I would’ve walked out the door and never looked back.

But I couldn’t. My body revolted at the thought.

I was so fucked-up inside, my head was a jumbled mess, and my heart was black as coal.

But that bond that tethered me to Autumn was tied so tight I couldn’t break it.

The woman was completely unexpected. The emotion she conjured up startling.

“Fuck. ”

Ruthless pain invaded my mind and clogged my throat. Juliana, Violet, Autumn. They all swirled together until I couldn’t breathe.

What the fuck have I done?

What in the actual, goddamn, fuck had I done?

I never should’ve touched Autumn. No, that wasn’t it.

It wasn’t the touching and it wasn’t the sex, it was her eyes.

Those dead, dull, listless green eyes. I never should’ve looked into them.

That’s what fucked me up. Seeing the relentless pain, the raw hurt, the beauty she hid.

A kindred soul.

The very second those goddamn eyes locked onto mine, I was gone.

Like a witch, she cast her spell and refused to let me break it.

A curse that was binding us. And the worst part was I welcomed it.

I wanted it. I needed it. And the more I craved it, the shittier I felt.

It was more than guilt, beyond self-loathing.

But the truth was, she’d become my asylum. My sanctuary, my refuge.

The only time I was safe was when I was with her.

My hand fisted my hair before it came to rest on the back of my neck and I squeezed. If I could’ve strangled myself, I would’ve.

I fucked everything up .

“Declan?”

Unable to do more than lift my eyes, I glanced at Autumn, red-faced and devastated.

I did that to her.

The white bandage on her arm caught my attention, then my gaze went to her neck.

And before I could stop the memories, Autumn morphed into Juliana.

Blonde hair turned brown, Autumn’s athletic figure turned curvy.

The slice on her neck turned to bullet holes.

I didn’t protect either of them. I’d been too late.

I heard Autumn call my name but all I could see was my wife, now in my arms holding Violet as she gasped her last breaths.

Blood painted my hands—Violet and Juliana—how many times had I relived this moment?

Millions. I’d forced myself to seek the memory often.

Except when I was with Autumn. She was my haven. So wrong .

“Declan!”

I blinked and blinked again as I focused on Autumn. I’d been so lost in thought I hadn’t felt her come close. I’d missed her dropping to her knees in front of me.

“Dec,” she whispered.

The soft sound was full of misery—hurt, sadness, pain.

I did that to her.

Slowly, her hands came to my face and I tensed.

Please don’t touch me.

Gentle hands cupped my jaw and her thumb swept over my lips. And for the first time, I had Autumn. The real Autumn. Not even when I’d kissed her in the shower had she given me all of her. Unaltered, genuine, totally bare. She was equal parts beautiful and broken.

Flawed perfection.

Autumn’s brows pulled together and she swept her thumb again and that time when she smeared the wetness over my skin it registered what she was doing.

Moreover, it hit me that I was a grown man, sitting on a woman’s couch, crying like a two-year-old.

But fucking hell I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t keep the acid inside any longer.

I owed her nothing, yet I owed her everything.

The hours she’d given me, the reprieve from my living nightmare, she was the only one who could end my suffering, even if it was temporary.

“If you’ll stay, I’ll take the pain pill.” Her hands fell away and she didn’t give me a chance to answer before she stood, pulling me up with her. “I trust you, Declan. I know you’d never let anything happen to me.”

One more thing Autumn gave me that I didn’t deserve, especially after the way I’d treated her.

“Autumn—”

“You’re right. I’m in pain. I need to take something and we both need to sleep. I’ll take the pill as long as you don’t leave.”

Unable to speak, I nodded my agreement and followed her back to her room. It didn’t take her long to swallow down the two pills Kyle had left her. Then wordlessly she threw back the covers and crawled into her bed. Her gaze came back to mine expectantly and waited.

I’d been in her bed a lot the last few months, but never to sleep.

Something unpleasant stirred in my gut as I stared.

I could easily see Autumn bent over, feet on the floor spread wide for me, the upper half of her body on the mattress, my hands digging into her hips as I fucked her from behind.

I could even hear her knells of ecstasy as I took her hard, her panting, begging for more.

But no other touching, not while my cock was buried in her.

She deserved more than a hard and rough fuck while she was bent over.

She needed someone who could guide her through her pain.

Help her heal. Treat her with kindness. Love her until she forgets.

“Dec?” she called my name and it sounded very much like the plea it was.

“I promise you I won’t leave, but I think I should sleep on the couch.”

Her eyes got soft, and to my shock, she didn’t put her guard up.

“One last time. Or should I say, just this once here in my bed, sleep with me. I forgot what it was like to dream. The only time in the ten years I’ve slept deep enough to dream was when you were lying next to me in Afghanistan.

I know it’s a lot to ask. I won’t touch you.

But please, give me this one last thing and I’ll never ask for more. ”

That was a goodbye.

I should’ve been glad for it, happy she understood what was going on, but instead I felt the most paralyzing fear I’d ever felt in my life.

Worse than Juliana dying in my arms. But only part of me died that day.

The piece my daughter took would never heal, that chip from my heart was buried with her.

I didn’t feel fear when Violet died—that feeling was impossible, it was a breath I’d never catch.

What kind of man did it make me knowing Autumn’s goodbye would kill me? She’d leave and take a bigger piece when they all should’ve belonged to Juliana. I shouldn’t have had anything left to give Autumn, it all should’ve been my wife’s.

And that was the truth that weighed the heaviest. It was the hardest to swallow.

Since the day I’d met Autumn, looked into her eyes, I’d been choking on a new kind of guilt—Autumn affected me with an intensity I’d never felt, and no matter what I’d done, I couldn’t guard against it.

I couldn’t stop myself from falling for her.

So, Autumn leaving was going to bring me to my knees. She owned every part of me. And I was going to let her walk away.

Set her free and leave her to her life.

But I was going to do that tomorrow.

Tonight I was going to give her the only thing I had to give—sweet dreams.

I took off my boots and socks, but left on the rest of my clothes, turned off the lights, and got into bed.

I heard Autumn’s sigh of relief but she said nothing. She didn’t touch me, she didn’t look at me, she wasn’t even facing me. With the help of the pain medication, she fell asleep quickly.

The sun was inching its way up when I finally closed my eyes.