Page 30 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

“Babe?”

“Yeah?” Autumn answered, and gave me her eyes but continued to move the crunchy taco shell toward her mouth.

“These are spectacular.”

She smiled around a mouthful of taco, chewed, then spoke. “Thanks. Spent years getting the spices right.”

Autumn didn’t season the meat from a packet, she bought nine jars of spices and made her own. She’d also fried corn tortillas. The result was killer.

After we’d left the office, Autumn was quiet.

After some internal debate, I gave her that play.

I’d watched her fight back tears in the office, winning the battle, but I knew she was still raw.

By the time we’d hit the grocery store, she seemed to sort herself enough to engage in conversation.

All through shopping and making dinner, I’d kept it light.

No shop talk, no discussion about family, the future, Beth, Tex, or Ashaki.

“You like to cook?” I asked.

Autumn’s expression turned pensive and I hoped my simple question hadn’t shattered the easy vibe .

“I do, though I haven’t done a lot of it over the years. But when I’ve had downtime, or I’ve stayed in one place long enough to rent a place, I like to cook.”

There was a lot there and I wasn’t sure where to start, but Autumn did.

“In the beginning, I stayed in the U.S. but moved around a lot. I was learning, watching, gathering information I needed on how these men operated. I had a lot of free time then and I found cooking relaxed me. I’m not a sit still kind of person so watching TV never appealed to me.

And I like to read when I’m going to bed but other than that, I can’t just laze on the couch and pick up a book.

I didn’t have friends, so with nothing better to do with my time, I taught myself how to cook.

“Once I understood what was going on and I was ready, I worked my first target. It was then any free time I had vanished. When I wasn’t with him, I was watching.

When I wasn’t watching, I was sleeping. Rinse and repeat.

Then Ash called, asked me if I was ready for more and she started punting me jobs that took me overseas.

From then on, life just happened, I was busy all the time.

Ate when I could, carved out time to sleep, but there was no time to relax or cook. I lived and breathed my job.”

Life hadn’t just happened to Autumn. She’d worked hard to teach herself the skills she needed to stay alive in a world that most of the population didn’t know existed.

The ones who did turned a blind eye because the atrocities were so horrific, most couldn’t stomach it—the mere thought was too disturbing.

But not Autumn. She didn’t have the luxury of not knowing.

She’d survived it. And her being her meant she couldn’t turn a blind eye.

She couldn’t walk away and forget. No, Autumn Pierce, like me, like all the men I worked with, would fight.

She’d exhaust herself, put herself in danger, darken her soul, all so someone else wouldn’t have to feel the pain she did.

One of the many things I admired about her.

So, life hadn’t just happened.

She’d worked her ass off.

She’d saved lives.

And now, she was going to find time to relax. She’d damn well earned it.

But I was smart enough to keep that thought to myself.

“What’d Thad say to you?”

Autumn took a sip of her soda and it hit me how normal it felt sitting across from her eating dinner.

The last time I’d shared a meal with a woman one-on-one it had been Juliana.

I could still smell the p?o de queijos as she pulled them from the oven.

The cheesy rolls were my favorite and she made them often.

Had I known that breakfast would’ve been our last, I would’ve savored it.

I would’ve paid more attention to Violet in her high chair.

I would’ve said more. I would’ve listened harder.

I would’ve done a thousand things differently that morning.

“Declan?” Autumn called, pulling me from my musing. “Where’d you go?”

A month ago that question would’ve made my skin crawl.

It also would’ve been met with silence, and I would’ve instantly retreated into my vault of secrets.

But I couldn’t be that man anymore, not with Autumn.

This was one of those times where I needed her to be strong, to let me get the pain out so we could move on.

“I was thinking about how much I liked grocery shopping with you. How something so normal felt good. How much I enjoyed listening to you talk when you were cooking, watching you move around your kitchen at ease, smiling. Then I started thinking about us sitting here sharing a meal, and that felt normal, too. And for people like us, who spend the majority of our time rolling in filth, normal feels really fucking great. But that thought led me to think about the last time I had a meal with a woman.”

I stopped to clear my throat and build the courage to give Autumn the rest. My gaze went to hers and it was met with gentle eyes and compassion.

Not pity, just understanding. Fuck me, I liked that.

No, I loved that she knew I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.

But she understood my heartache and didn’t judge me. Yeah, she could handle the rest.

“I was thinking about breakfast the morning of Violet’s birthday.

Juliana made my favorite, p?o de queijo.

She’d set them on the table fresh out of the oven, then gave Violet more fruit and started to clean up while I ate.

She wasn’t big on eating breakfast, but when I was home she always made me something and would sit drinking some smoothie she’d concocted.

But that morning, she didn’t sit, she busied herself around the kitchen, nervous that she’d forgotten something for the party.

I wish she would’ve sat. I wish we could’ve shared one more breakfast. I wish that I’d demanded we cancel Violet’s party.

There’re so many things I’d change about that day, but I seriously wish she would’ve sat down. ”

Autumn gave me a sad smile and asked, “Were you gone a lot?”

“Yeah. I was still with the CIA. I had assignments all over South America. That’s why we stayed in Brazil, Juliana’s family was there and she was close to them.”

“That’s good she had family close to help her while you were on assignment.”

A pang in my chest started and my hand automatically went to my chest to rub the knot.

“I feel guilty about being gone so much. I missed too much time with my daughter.”

I’d only had her for a year, and out of those three hundred and sixty-five days, I’d been gone a hundred and ninety-two.

I’d missed over half her life, days I’d never get back.

Hours I wished I had. Bedtimes, baths, tears, giggles, teething, smiles.

I’d missed them. I’d left Juliana alone, sleepless nights taking care of a newborn, and she’d never complained once.

She took my absence in stride and waited for my return.

“I think I’m jealous of the time Juliana had with Violet that I didn’t, and that fucks with my head. They’re gone and sometimes I think about all that Juliana had with Violet that I didn’t and jealousy takes over. What kind of dick does that make me?”

“That makes you a dad who loves his daughter, Declan, not a dick. Of course you’d think about that time.

I’m not sure how to cushion this, honey, but if they were alive, you’d still want that time even if you knew you had a lifetime of days ahead of you.

You’re a good dad, who didn’t want to miss a moment with his daughter but had to work.

There’s no shame in providing for your family, no shame in wanting missed hours.

That’s beautiful and you shouldn’t feel bad about wanting it. ”

“Christ,” I mumbled, and rubbed my chest hard though I didn’t need to—Autumn had loosened the tight ball of guilt wound around my heart.

“Was Juliana a good cook? And what are p?o de queijo ?” Autumn asked, butchering the pronunciation.

I appreciated what she was trying to do though I was uncertain I wanted to continue the conversation.

“You don’t need to—”

“I know I don’t need to do anything. I asked because I want to know. I asked because they’re a part of you, and if you’re mine, I get them, too. If you’re not ready to give them to me, we’ll drop it. We’re letting it all hang out. Both of us. Fearless, honey, so when you’re ready, I’m here.”

After the soft blow that felt so damn good I could hardly breathe, Autumn went back to eating. And gave me exactly what I needed—a moment alone in my thoughts without her studying me. Was I ready to give her everything? Yes. Was I emotionally capable of doing it all in one day? Fuck no.

But I could give her a little more.

“Juliana was a disaster in the kitchen but p?o de queijo is a Brazilian cheese bread. One of the few things she was good at making, but when I was home, I cooked. When I was gone, she either took Violet to her parents’ house and ate there or made herself something simple at home, normally cereal or a salad. ”

“So you’re a good cook?” Autumn grinned. “That means you’re up next. That is, if you think you can beat my tacos.”

Fucking, fucking , hell .

There it was, that right there. Letting me talk about Juliana and Violet, letting me do it how I needed to do it. Sensing that was all I could give at the moment, she’d effortlessly moved us along.

Then I remembered a conversation I had with Max not too long ago when he was working out his shit with Eva, fighting hard not to fall for her and her sons.

A battle he’d thankfully lost. But he’d pissed me off when he’d questioned me about Autumn.

And the more I thought about what I’d said, the harder it hit me.

I’d known all along I was in love with her.

And by her simply changing the topic, taking us to light-hearted banter after the heavy I’d given her, made my heart ache again.

Only, I didn’t rub the pain away, because there was no pain—only goodness.

She’s the only person who gets me. I don’t need to tell her shit because she just knows.

Not the details, not the circumstances, but she knows my loss.

She understands the demons that live inside of me because she has them, too.

She doesn’t try to fix me or talk to me because she knows what’s broken will always be broken.

She now knew the details and the circumstances. She’d understood my demons. She didn’t try to fix me, though she was. And now I knew the one untruth of what I said—we wouldn’t always be broken. Together, we could be whole. Together we wouldn’t forget, but we didn’t have to hurt.

“Woman, next time I’ll cook and rock your world.”

Autumn’s lips twisted, then they curved up into a smile, and I swear to God, when she laughed it felt like the heavens had opened and an angel had touched my soul.

Fuck yeah, we needed to laugh more.