Page 26 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

My heart was thumping against my ribs, and for the first time in over ten years, I didn’t feel hollow.

For the first time, I didn’t want to be alone.

What would it feel like if I trusted him—fully and completely trust him?

He’d stayed at my house because he wanted to be close to me.

He’d follow me through the fiery pits of hell.

He was letting go of the past.

Three weeks ago he seemed pretty determined to live in the past. Something I fully understood. It was easier to spin your wheels than to face reality.

“What made you change your mind?”

“’Bout what?”

“Letting go and moving forward.”

“Thought you wanted to kiss me?”

Yeah, I wanted to do that, too, but now that I was thinking, fear had crept in.

I’d lied to Declan and told him I’d never loved anyone.

Since I’d never felt it with anyone else, I couldn’t be a hundred percent sure, but I was almost positive what I felt for him was love.

If love was a physical ache in your belly when you weren’t with the other person.

If it was gentle even when it was rough. And that got me thinking more.

“I can’t—”

“Autumn.”

“Stop snapping at me,” I snapped and he smirked. Whatever . “And stop interrupting me. What about sex?”

Declan’s eyes squinted and his body tensed. “What about it?”

In a moment of unusual embarrassment, heat hit my cheeks and I changed my mind, I didn’t want to talk about sex.

“Never mind.”

“Fearless, baby, let it all hang out. What about sex?”

“We can’t have it normal.”

“What’s normal?”

I pushed against him, needing space, but he refused to loosen his grip and my panic surged. Once again, Declan’s demeanor transformed. Gone was the alert he’d become when I brought up sex, and now standing before me was a pissed-off man, which only made my anxiety skyrocket.

“Step back.”

Shit . I hated how weak I sounded.

“Do you think I’d hurt you?”

His question didn’t register, I was trapped. Unease built and was nearing a crescendo where fight or flight would kick in. I needed him to let me go.

“Dec—”

“Answer me. Come back into this room. Into this moment. And tell me, would I ever hurt you?”

“No.”

“I can’t. You have to let me go.”

“Baby.” He softened his tone, then his hand moved to the back of my neck and his thumb pressed against my pulse point. “Touch me. ”

“What?”

“Put your hands on my chest. Touch me.”

Declan wasn’t fond of my hands on him. There had been a few times when he hadn’t minded, but in general—no. And wasn’t that the root of the sex issue? I couldn’t have him on top of me and he couldn’t stand being touched.

“Just feel, baby.”

His request had me reminiscing about the first time he’d requested to me to feel . Back to our first kiss—my first kiss.

I didn’t move fast enough for Declan. I knew this when the hand not on my neck grabbed my hand and placed it on his chest.

Solid, strong, warm.

That was Declan. He’d become my touchstone. In the months before we’d gone to Afghanistan, if my mind started to wander, all I had to do was look at him and he’d bring me back to the present.

He wanted me to be fearless? Wanted me to let it all hang out? Tell him what had me paralyzed? Fine. I’d give it to him—all the ugly parts, and the parts that were stolen from me.

“When I was young, I was close to my dad. I loved my mom and sister, but I was a daddy’s girl.

When I was thirteen a boy asked me out, my dad took me for ice cream.

Just me and him. He told me he was going to let me go on the date, that it would be my first of many, and each date, each new boy would teach me something.

They would teach me self-worth, self-respect, and self-esteem.

He told me that my time and attention was a gift that a boy needed to earn.

And if a boy needed to earn the gift of my time, he needed to work even harder for my affection.

That my body was something to be cherished and not given away.

Because there could only be one first and the firsts I had to give were also gifts.

And when I found the right person, he would cherish them, appreciate them, and work hard to get them.

“I know part of that talk was an effort to keep his thirteen-year-old daughter from becoming sexually active. But I never forgot what he said. I went on that date and held his hand. I went on many more after that. But I was saving my firsts. Not for the man I was going to marry, but the one who would respect me after I gave them. And, maybe in my fanciful mind, I would also cherish them. The older I got, the harder it became to find that man. Not many high school senior boys and college freshmen are happy to hold hands. Most at least want a kiss, some groping, and a handjob. But I never gave in—the minute a boy pushed and didn’t respect the boundaries I’d set for my body, I broke it off.

And to be honest, they weren’t broken up about it.

They wanted sex, and in their eyes, I was a tease. ”

I paused to take a breath.

Now to the hard part.

“When I was taken, I was a virgin in every way I could be one. My first sexual experience was forced on me and my virginity was bought. My dad’s words echoed in my head while a middle-aged man took something from me in the vilest of ways.

I have never experienced normal sex. I have given myself to one man—you, but I’ve been taken by too many to count.

So I don’t know how to be with you in a normal way.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have you on top of me, or—”

“Baby,” Declan croaked, his voice infused with emotion.

“I just don’t—”

“Autumn, baby, please stop.”

My gaze lifted from the wrinkle in his tee I’d been focused on and my eyes met his.

Fierce. Protective. More red than brown. Yet soft and gentle.

“Let’s take this one step at a time, yeah?”

“But, you’re a man…”

I quickly snapped my mouth shut and bit my bottom lip when a deep, rumble emitted from Declan .

“I am a man. And being that, I’m not an animal. I can control my body’s urges. Trust me to take us where we need to go. I swear to you, I will not hurt you. I will not take what you are not offering. And in return, I will cherish what you give me. I will treasure the gift of all your firsts.”

That did it. I could no longer hold my head up and I face-planted into his chest. Declan’s arms wrapped around me and he let me sob until there were no more tears.

In other words, we stood there for a very long time.

So long, my legs started to shake. I gave him my weight and he just held me tighter.

“I’m so fucking scared,” I admitted, not lifting my head.

“So am I. But I’m more afraid of not having you. The thought of you exiting my life terrifies me. I got a lotta bad shit bottled up inside of me, Autumn. Shit I need to work out.”

“Are you gonna let me help you do that?”

“Fuck, yeah. The only way this is gonna work is if we both lay it out. I gotta trust you’re strong enough to take me on and you have to trust me to guide you to a place where you can heal.”

Damn, that felt good. I needed that, I needed him to trust me to be strong. Which meant I had to pull up my big-girl panties and stop crying like a baby.

“I’m strong, Declan, you can trust me.”

“Damn right you are.”

The ferocity in his tone gave me chills. He believed I was strong.

I couldn’t stop from smiling, I knew I had to look goofy as hell but I didn’t care.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

Top-to-toe gorgeous, sexy as all fuck. But knowing what you’ve lived through, and still you can stand in your kitchen with my arms around you, smiling up at me the way you are.

Christ, baby, there are no words to describe how goddamn stunning you are.

Better than a cool breeze on a sunny day.

My safe place, my sanctum, my harbor. We’re a beautiful mess, baby.

Together, we’ll write our future. Wherever it takes us, as long as I’m with you, I’m home. ”

“You have to stop saying stuff like that if you don’t want me sobbing into your shirt, Declan.”

“Cry all you want, Autumn, because, honey, I ain’t never gonna stop telling you what you mean to me.”

I loved that.

So in an effort not to dissolve into a blubbering mess again, I pinched my lips.

When I quelled the urge and had put in a good amount of energy to calm my emotions, I told him, “You’re beautiful, too.

The first thing I noticed about you was your eyes.

They were glowing red at the time, and your blood was trickling down your neck.

My first thought was you looked like a beast—a raiding Viking.

And since we’re being honest, I thought you were the hottest man I’d ever seen.

But it was your eyes that drew me to you. I saw something in them—”

“A kindred soul.” Declan finished my sentence and my breath caught.

“Yeah, my soul recognized yours.”

“Felt the same, Autumn, and from that day to this one, there hasn’t been a day I haven’t felt you in my chest.”

I was going to burst into tears again, I felt them coming. I couldn’t handle Declan’s honesty.

“Kiss me,” I whispered.

Dec didn’t waste any time. His head lowered, he brushed his lips against mine feather-soft, asking permission. I opened for him, then I felt his tongue glide against mine.

A world of sensations I’d never felt exploded.

The first time he’d kissed me, I was too afraid to enjoy it.

But this time, I savored every stroke. A new kind of desire built, different than the lust I’d felt for him in the past. Better, bigger, stronger.

Love and lust mingled and the combination was intoxicating. From one kiss, he made me a believer.

Declan and I could do anything.

We could go anywhere, do anything, and be anyone we wanted to be—as long as we were together.

More blocks fell, more walls cracked, more warmth seeped in.

And right then and there, with Declan’s tongue dancing with mine, I vowed to him the same. I’d break into his fortress, unlock his vault, and I’d free him from his past.

He believed in me.

I wouldn’t let him down. I wouldn’t let myself down.

This was our shot.

And I was going to be fearless.